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Bill Maher Quotes

I wouldn’t touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use parts of the animal that the Chinese can’t figure out how to make into a belt? -timecode 1:11:10 Picture Quote #1

Rush Limbaugh, who has made a career preaching that anybody who does drugs has got to go right to jail - do not pass go, no questions asked, right to jail - gets caught doing thirty oxycontin a day. Thirty oxycontin?! Do you have any idea how high that is?! I don’t, and I’ve been pretty high! Picture Quote #1

Religion, it stops people from thinking because they think all the answers are in that one book; it impedes progress; it justifies crazy people. Flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative Picture Quote #1

What is with this campy fixation on all things Ronald Reagan? they talk about him the way gay people talk about Barbra Streisand. I think they just want him on a stamp so they can lick his ass. I think they only named an airport after him so they can say, I’m coming into Reagan! Picture Quote #1

It’s so childish, greatest country in the world. It’s like saying, I have the best wife in the world. Not just the one best suited for me, the best wife in the world. and if you could have my wife, you’d kill your wife Picture Quote #1

Now, I’m no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional opinion, George Bush is a paranoid schizophrenic Picture Quote #1

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Stop saying athletes do it for the love of the game. They do it for the love of their 32-room mansion with the live shark tank in the living room. If pro sports paid minimum wage, Shaquille O’Neal would be a bouncer at Scores, and Anna Kournikova would be a mail-order bride from Minsk Picture Quote #1

The NRA made an ad saying that Obama is elitist because his kids have armed guards. Yeah, that crazy Obama thinking his kids need special protection. I love the NRA accusing anyone of being paranoid. It’s like a septic tank saying, ‘You need a mint.’ Picture Quote #1

That’s what American democracy has come down to at these town hall meetings: old people and gun nuts, which is a terrible combination. I heard somebody yell ‘AK-47!’ and a lady yelled, ‘Bingo!’ Picture Quote #1

The Dalai Lama visited the White House and told the President that he could teach him to find a higher state of consciousness. Then after talking to Bush for a few minutes, he said, ‘You know what? Let’s just grab lunch.’ Picture Quote #1

Republicans have become the party of red, white and blue rose colored glasses. By drowning out criticism with USA! USA!, they prevent this country from healing itself where it needs healing, and that is the opposite of Country First Picture Quote #1

There is no debate here, just scientists and non-scientists. And since the subject is science, the non-scientists don’t get a vote Picture Quote #1

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Mitt Romney, who is on record saying that he would not waste money going after bin Laden, and on record saying he would not violate Pakistan’s border to get bin Laden, this week said, ‘Of course I would have gotten bin Laden.’ Even his Etch-A-Sketch went, seriously? Picture Quote #1

Newt Gingrich was campaigning at a zoo this week and he was bitten by a penguin. Newt Gingrich is always campaigning at zoos. Mitt Romney once did a photo op at a zoo. That was a big mistake, because he stood next to the chameleon, and HE changed colors Picture Quote #1

New Jersey Mayor Corey Booker last night personally rescued a woman from a burning building. Or as Fox News reported it, ‘black man loots house, steals white woman.’ Picture Quote #1

Republicans stand by their convictions. Stupid, ignorant, world-destroying convictions based on disproven economic fantasies and ancient books full of primitive morality and magic people. But convictions, nonetheless Picture Quote #1

Hey birthers, wanna hear my theory? My theory was that Obama was born in America and you were born with the umbilical cord around your neck Picture Quote #1

Being politicians, they all got to sharing their personal stories. Obama talked about his mother’s battle with cancer. Harry Reid talked about a kid with a cleft palate. And John McCain told how he once carried a brain dead woman through an entire campaign Picture Quote #1

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I do miss George Bush. Compared to these teabaggers and the people who are pandering to them, he looks like a professor Picture Quote #1

We’ve created over 200,000 jobs every month this year. Hasn’t happened in 17 years. I guess my first question is, when do the Republicans stop calling it ‘Obama’s economy’? Picture Quote #1

To those people who say, ‘My father is alive because of animal experimentation,’ I say, ‘Yeah, well, good for you. This dog died so your father could live.’ Sorry, but I am just not behind that kind of trade-off Picture Quote #1

Oh, America! I could never leave you! You’re like my dog, dumb as a post but you make me laugh! Picture Quote #1

George Bush says, ‘Gore’s book needs a lot of explaining.’ Of course, Bush says that about every book Picture Quote #1

Rick Santorum doesn’t like sex. He doesn’t like the pill. He really doesn’t like condoms. He said if men are going to pull something on to prevent procreation, nothing works better that a sweater vest Picture Quote #1

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When I hear from people that religion doesn’t hurt anything, I say really? Well besides wars, the crusades, the inquisitions, 9-11, ethnic cleansing, the suppression of women, the suppression of homosexuals, fatwas, honor killings, suicide bombings, arranged marriages to minors, human sacrifice, burning witches, and systematic sex with children, I have a few little quibbles. And I forgot blowing up girl schools in Afghanistan Picture Quote #1

Doctors said that the test most commonly used to screen for colon cancer doesn’t go far enough. They’re recommending a procedure that involves photographing the entire colon. I say, don’t vie CBS an idea for another reality show Picture Quote #1

A Republican Congressman, Rep. Chris Lee, was caught flirting with a woman trolling for dates on Craigslist and sent her a shirtless photo of himself. He lied about his age and his marital status. He said he was 39 and divorced. He’s 46 and married, though being a Republican congressman, I’m guessing he’s really 60 and gay Picture Quote #1

Down in Texas, Rick Perry announced he will not run for reelection. He said ‘I executed one last woman, that fertilizer plant exploded, I returned abortions to back alleys where it belongs, my work here is done.’ I think that’s what he said, he was chewing a crayon Picture Quote #1

New Rule: Someone must x-ray my stomach to see if the Peeps I ate on Easter are still in there, intact and completely undigested. And I’m not talking about this past Easter. I’m talking about the last time I celebrated Easter, in 1962 Picture Quote #1

When it comes to religion, we’re not two sides of the same coin, and you don’t get to put your unreason up on the same shelf with my reason. Your stuff has to go over there, on the shelf with Zeus and Thor and the Kraken, with the stuff that is not evidence-based, stuff that religious people never change their mind about, no matter what happens Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

I wouldn’t touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use parts of the animal that the Chinese can’t figure out how to make into a belt? -timecode 1:11:10 (Bill Maher Quotes) Rush Limbaugh, who has made a career preaching that anybody who does drugs has got to go right to jail - do not pass go, no questions asked, right to jail - gets caught doing thirty oxycontin a day. Thirty oxycontin?! Do you have any idea how high that is?! I don’t, and I’ve been pretty high! (Bill Maher Quotes) Religion, it stops people from thinking because they think all the answers are in that one book; it impedes progress; it justifies crazy people. Flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative (Bill Maher Quotes) What is with this campy fixation on all things Ronald Reagan? they talk about him the way gay people talk about Barbra Streisand. I think they just want him on a stamp so they can lick his ass. I think they only named an airport after him so they can say, I’m coming into Reagan! (Bill Maher Quotes) It’s so childish, greatest country in the world. It’s like saying, I have the best wife in the world. Not just the one best suited for me, the best wife in the world. and if you could have my wife, you’d kill your wife (Bill Maher Quotes) Now, I’m no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional opinion, George Bush is a paranoid schizophrenic (Bill Maher Quotes) Stop saying athletes do it for the love of the game. They do it for the love of their 32-room mansion with the live shark tank in the living room. If pro sports paid minimum wage, Shaquille O’Neal would be a bouncer at Scores, and Anna Kournikova would be a mail-order bride from Minsk (Bill Maher Quotes) The NRA made an ad saying that Obama is elitist because his kids have armed guards. Yeah, that crazy Obama thinking his kids need special protection. I love the NRA accusing anyone of being paranoid. It’s like a septic tank saying, ‘You need a mint.’ (Bill Maher Quotes) That’s what American democracy has come down to at these town hall meetings: old people and gun nuts, which is a terrible combination. I heard somebody yell ‘AK-47!’ and a lady yelled, ‘Bingo!’ (Bill Maher Quotes) The Dalai Lama visited the White House and told the President that he could teach him to find a higher state of consciousness. Then after talking to Bush for a few minutes, he said, ‘You know what? Let’s just grab lunch.’ (Bill Maher Quotes) Republicans have become the party of red, white and blue rose colored glasses. By drowning out criticism with USA! USA!, they prevent this country from healing itself where it needs healing, and that is the opposite of Country First (Bill Maher Quotes) There is no debate here, just scientists and non-scientists. And since the subject is science, the non-scientists don’t get a vote (Bill Maher Quotes) Mitt Romney, who is on record saying that he would not waste money going after bin Laden, and on record saying he would not violate Pakistan’s border to get bin Laden, this week said, ‘Of course I would have gotten bin Laden.’ Even his Etch-A-Sketch went, seriously? (Bill Maher Quotes) Newt Gingrich was campaigning at a zoo this week and he was bitten by a penguin. Newt Gingrich is always campaigning at zoos. Mitt Romney once did a photo op at a zoo. That was a big mistake, because he stood next to the chameleon, and HE changed colors (Bill Maher Quotes) New Jersey Mayor Corey Booker last night personally rescued a woman from a burning building. Or as Fox News reported it, ‘black man loots house, steals white woman.’ (Bill Maher Quotes) Republicans stand by their convictions. Stupid, ignorant, world-destroying convictions based on disproven economic fantasies and ancient books full of primitive morality and magic people. But convictions, nonetheless (Bill Maher Quotes) Hey birthers, wanna hear my theory? My theory was that Obama was born in America and you were born with the umbilical cord around your neck (Bill Maher Quotes) Being politicians, they all got to sharing their personal stories. Obama talked about his mother’s battle with cancer. Harry Reid talked about a kid with a cleft palate. And John McCain told how he once carried a brain dead woman through an entire campaign (Bill Maher Quotes) I do miss George Bush. Compared to these teabaggers and the people who are pandering to them, he looks like a professor (Bill Maher Quotes) We’ve created over 200,000 jobs every month this year. Hasn’t happened in 17 years. I guess my first question is, when do the Republicans stop calling it ‘Obama’s economy’? (Bill Maher Quotes) To those people who say, ‘My father is alive because of animal experimentation,’ I say, ‘Yeah, well, good for you. This dog died so your father could live.’ Sorry, but I am just not behind that kind of trade-off (Bill Maher Quotes) Oh, America! I could never leave you! You’re like my dog, dumb as a post but you make me laugh! (Bill Maher Quotes) George Bush says, ‘Gore’s book needs a lot of explaining.’ Of course, Bush says that about every book (Bill Maher Quotes) Rick Santorum doesn’t like sex. He doesn’t like the pill. He really doesn’t like condoms. He said if men are going to pull something on to prevent procreation, nothing works better that a sweater vest (Bill Maher Quotes) When I hear from people that religion doesn’t hurt anything, I say really? Well besides wars, the crusades, the inquisitions, 9-11, ethnic cleansing, the suppression of women, the suppression of homosexuals, fatwas, honor killings, suicide bombings, arranged marriages to minors, human sacrifice, burning witches, and systematic sex with children, I have a few little quibbles. And I forgot blowing up girl schools in Afghanistan (Bill Maher Quotes) Doctors said that the test most commonly used to screen for colon cancer doesn’t go far enough. They’re recommending a procedure that involves photographing the entire colon. I say, don’t vie CBS an idea for another reality show (Bill Maher Quotes) A Republican Congressman, Rep. Chris Lee, was caught flirting with a woman trolling for dates on Craigslist and sent her a shirtless photo of himself. He lied about his age and his marital status. He said he was 39 and divorced. He’s 46 and married, though being a Republican congressman, I’m guessing he’s really 60 and gay (Bill Maher Quotes) Down in Texas, Rick Perry announced he will not run for reelection. He said ‘I executed one last woman, that fertilizer plant exploded, I returned abortions to back alleys where it belongs, my work here is done.’ I think that’s what he said, he was chewing a crayon (Bill Maher Quotes) New Rule: Someone must x-ray my stomach to see if the Peeps I ate on Easter are still in there, intact and completely undigested. And I’m not talking about this past Easter. I’m talking about the last time I celebrated Easter, in 1962 (Bill Maher Quotes) When it comes to religion, we’re not two sides of the same coin, and you don’t get to put your unreason up on the same shelf with my reason. Your stuff has to go over there, on the shelf with Zeus and Thor and the Kraken, with the stuff that is not evidence-based, stuff that religious people never change their mind about, no matter what happens (Bill Maher Quotes)

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