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Conan OBrien Quotes
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Friendship Quotes
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Text Quotes
A new report just came out that says President Obama has mentioned Jesus Christ in more speeches than President Bush did. Can you believe that? Still, neither has used the phrase ‘Oh God, oh God,’ more than President Clinton (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Today, former President Bill Clinton met with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il and convinced him to release two American journalists that have been jailed since March. Isn’t that great? This is big, yeah. Or as Clinton calls it, another Asian happy ending (Conan OBrien Quotes)
In the press this week, NBC has been calling me every name in the book. In fact, they think I’m such an idiot they now want me to run the network (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Barry Bonds in the news. Yesterday Barry Bonds’ agent said that Bonds could hit as many as 1,000 home runs. And the agent admitted he’s on more drugs than Barry Bonds (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Arnold Schwarzenegger is in trouble after tapes surfaced of him saying negative things about other Republicans. Actually the Schwarzenegger tapes surfaced last year, but they weren’t deciphered until this week (Conan OBrien Quotes)
The British government has urged its citizens to abstain from alcohol at least two days a week. Or to make it easier to remember, whenever they brush their teeth (Conan OBrien Quotes)
George Clooney says he’s had sex with too many women to ever run for office. He was immediately made Prime Minister of Italy (Conan OBrien Quotes)
People looking into Barack Obama’s campaign contributions say that Obama may have received $3.3 million from abroad. Yeah. It turns out that broad is Oprah Winfrey (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Nietzsche famously said, ‘Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.’ What he failed to stress is that it ALMOST kills you (Conan OBrien Quotes)
A comic book publisher says he’s trying to increase voter turnout in the presidential election by publishing comic books about John McCain and Barack Obama. Yeah, the publisher said that the election comic books are targeted at first-time voters and long-time virgins (Conan OBrien Quotes)
It was reported today that Michelle Obama wants her mother to move into the White House with them. Yeah, this is expected to be the first time Barack uses his veto power (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Oprah Winfrey just announced that she’s planning to attend Barack Obama’s inauguration. Oprah says she’s very excited to see Obama become the second-most powerful person in the world (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Possible controversy for the Obama campaign. Republicans are now accusing Barack Obama’s campaign of voter fraud, because some of the people they’ve registered sound like they have fake names. Apparently, the fakest-sounding name is Barack Obama (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Time magazine has selected their person of the year. Guess what, it’s President-elect Barack Obama. Yeah, ironically, Ebony magazine announced their person of the year, and it’s Ed Begley Jr (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Summer is a drag because even normal people become obsessed with their bodies. A bad bathing suit can humiliate you more tan anything else in life (Conan OBrien Quotes)
A new survey reveals that women would rather give up sex than give up the remote control for the TV. Men, on the other hand, would be willing to have sex with the remote for the TV (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Toyota has announced it will start integrating Microsoft technology into their vehicles. It’s perfect for the person who wants a car that crashes every ten minutes (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Martha Stewart showed up at Manhattan FBI Headquarters to have her finger prints taken and pose for a mug shot. Then Martha explained how to get ink off your fingers using seltzer water and lemon juice (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Some McDonald’s restaurants are taking reservations on Valentine’s Day. They are getting a lot of tables for one (Conan OBrien Quotes)
I think in future people will take television in eyedrop form. All media will be in eyedrops (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Lindsey Graham is now the seventh Republican running for president. If you’re keeping score, that’s basically one Republican candidate for every two Republican voters (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Over the weekend, Vladimir Putin scored eight goals during a hockey game. It happened just after he had the goalie executed (Conan OBrien Quotes)
A new report reveals that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie spent over $82,000 on food at NFL games. Christie said, ‘Hey, both of those games went into overtime.’ (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Today Secretary of State John Kerry visited the small African nation of Djibouti. Or to use the official diplomatic term, he made a Djibouti call (Conan OBrien Quotes)
The birth certificate of the royal baby lists her parents’ occupations as being ‘the prince and princess of the United Kingdom.’ It says that under occupation, which I guess sounds better than ‘unemployed.’ (Conan OBrien Quotes)
North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un reportedly has had 15 of his top officials executed. So the lesson here is when Kim Jong Un comes to work with a new haircut, you tell him, ‘Looking good, Un.’ (Conan OBrien Quotes)
A new presidential poll reveals that Democrats have the edge among voters under 30. The good news for Republicans is that there’s only six people under 30 who actually vote (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Prince William’s pregnant wife, Kate Middleton, is past her due date. Doctors may have to induce labor. To speed up the birth, doctors have been telling the baby, ‘Come on out. You will never have to work a day in your life.’ (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Tax day was yesterday. And marijuana growers are complaining that they can’t write off a single expense thanks to federal laws. Well, apparently someone tried to claim the Phish tour as his home office and that’s not going to happen (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Hillary Clinton is making income inequality a central theme in her campaign. Yeah, for example, today she pointed out that her husband makes $300 million a year. She has to get by on $200 million a year, and that’s not fair (Conan OBrien Quotes)