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Conan OBrien Quotes
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Friendship Quotes
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Hillary Clinton is trying an entirely different approach with Iowa than the one she tried eight years ago when she lost there. She will not start speeches by saying, ‘Hello, Iowa, or Idaho, or whichever one you are.’ (Conan OBrien Quotes)
It’s April 15, tax day. The federal tax code is over 74,000 pages long. But stick with it because after page 72,000, it gets really good (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Hillary Clinton announced she’s running for president. Yesterday in Ohio, Hillary popped into a Chipotle and she ordered a burrito bowl with chips and salsa. And on her way out she said, ‘That locks down the Hispanic vote.’ (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Jeb Bush welcomed his fourth grandchild. The new Bush grandchild is happy, healthy, and will be running for president in 2048 (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Hillary Clinton is not the first woman to run for president. That title belongs to Victoria Woodhull, who ran for president in 1872. Her running mate was a young, scrappy John McCain (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Hillary Clinton is now driving from New York to Iowa. It’s been called the least-exciting spring break trip in history (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Marco Rubio announced he’s running for president. Fun fact: Marco Rubio’s wife is a former Miami Dolphins cheerleader. In other words, she knows how to generate fake enthusiasm for someone who’s not going to win (Conan OBrien Quotes)
A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy but they prefer to watch you die (Conan OBrien Quotes)
In a recent interview, Michelle Obama said that the Secret Service taught Malia how to drive. In exchange, Malia taught the Secret Service how to throw a party when her parents are away (Conan OBrien Quotes)
The campaign to put a woman on the $20 bill has narrowed the choices down to four finalists. The four finalists are Rosa Parks, Harriet Tubman, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Flo from the Progressive Insurance ads (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Election officials say that in 2016, it may be possible to vote for the president on your smartphone. Can you imagine that? With one swipe you can choose a president and at the same time tell him or her where you want to hook up (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Today was the annual Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. Usually when you see something rolling on the White House lawn it’s a drunk Secret Service agent (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Indiana’s governor is coming under fire for a new law that some people feel is anti-gay. The governor now says he is not anti-gay. Then immediately afterwards he said, ‘April Fools.’ It wasn’t his best joke (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Texas senator and tea party favorite Ted Cruz announced he’s running for president. He pledged to lead America boldly forward into the 1950s (Conan OBrien Quotes)
President Obama filled out his March Madness bracket. You can tell Obama’s mind is elsewhere because his top two picks were Israel and Iran (Conan OBrien Quotes)
The prime minister of Ireland will be celebrating St. Patrick’s Day at the White House. So finally the Secret Service agents will have a drinking buddy (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Texas Senator Ted Cruz said if elected president he would abolish the Department of Education. But not to worry. He promised to replace it with the less expensive Bureau of Book Learning (Conan OBrien Quotes)
It’s rumored that Arnold Schwarzenegger’s son is cheating on his girlfriend Miley Cyrus. After hearing about it Arnold said, ‘That’s my boy.’ (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Jeb Bush is getting his presidential campaign in gear. Last week he said he supports a path to citizenship for immigrants. He said, ‘I believe in an America where hard work and dedication can lead to any job that your brother and dad once had.’ (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Some people are saying Bill O’Reilly exaggerated his war experience in the 1980s. People became suspicious because O’Reilly said he was injured in the East Coast/West Coast rap wars (Conan OBrien Quotes)
During her Oscar acceptance speech, Patricia Arquette called for equal pay for women. Then Oprah stood up and said, ‘She’s right, I can’t live like this. I can’t take another second of this living hell.’ (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Yesterday during a speech on national security, Jeb Bush mispronounced Boko Haram and got confused between Iran and Iraq. When reached for comment, his brother George W. said, ‘He sure sounds presidentiary to me.’ (Conan OBrien Quotes)
President Obama has appointed a new head of the Secret Service. The new Secret Service director was so excited that he jumped over the White House fence for joy (Conan OBrien Quotes)
I had an amazing experience in Cuba. People there are fantastic. But I do have to say it’s very nice to be back home in front of all of you capitalist pigs (Conan OBrien Quotes)
A new report says that last year Colorado collected $44 million in marijuana taxes. Unfortunately, they can’t remember where they put it (Conan OBrien Quotes)
There’s a rumor that NBC is going to have Tom Brokaw fill in temporarily as the NBC News anchor. When asked why, a network spokesperson said, ‘Because the only other NBC person we have is Bill Cosby.’ (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Despite the Brian Williams lying scandal, NBC News led in the ratings last week. Although I should note the figures were reported by Brian Williams (Conan OBrien Quotes)
House Speaker John Boehner said the Republican Party will no longer stand in the way of gay marriage. Then Boehner said, ‘Now can I go to Elton John’s Oscar party?’ (Conan OBrien Quotes)
In a speech today, President Obama said that Michelle Obama is very strong and talented and she frequently tells him that he is wrong. As a result, Michelle Obama is now the Republican front-runner for 2016 (Conan OBrien Quotes)
The Northeast is being hit with a major snowstorm. Forecasters said they’ve haven’t seen a whiteout like this since last week’s Oscar nominations (Conan OBrien Quotes)