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Conan OBrien Quotes
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Friendship Quotes
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Life Quotes
Funny Quotes
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Text Quotes
Fidel Castro declared that a robot would do a better job as president than Barack Obama. After hearing this, Mitt Romney thanked Castro for his endorsement (Conan OBrien Quotes)
People are saying that Rick Perry is really tough because he has executed over 200 people. And that was just while he was on vacation in Florida (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Rick Perry dropped out of the presidential race. When asked what went wrong, Perry said, I guess America is not ready to elect a dumb guy from Texas. But in time (Conan OBrien Quotes)
In response to criticism of its treatment of killer whales, Sea World said it will build them a larger habitat. When asked for comment, killer whales said, ‘Hey, you know what’s a larger habitat?’ THE OCEAN (Conan OBrien Quotes)
In an interview, former vice-presidential candidate Paul Ryan said he does not have a racist bone in his body. However, he admitted he has three sexist bones and his spine is homophobic (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Yesterday the IRS announced that obese Americans are entitled to certain tax breaks. Apparently, under the new rules, you’re allowed to claim two or more chins as dependents (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Howard Dean came in a disappointing third place. Afterwards Dean said ‘Iowa is behind me and now I look forward to screaming at voters in New Hampshire.’ (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Arnold Schwarzenegger has hired billionaire Warren Buffett as his senior economic advisor. And not to be outdone Gary Coleman announced his senior economic adviser will be Thurston Howell the Third (Conan OBrien Quotes)
California has gone insane. According to the latest poll, Arnold Schwarzenegger is leading in California’s governor’s race by 34 points. You can tell that Governor Gray Davis is worried because he spent all day yesterday working on his pecs (Conan OBrien Quotes)
In Iraq, four American soldiers have been arrested and charged with stealing a million dollars cash. After hearing about it the Fox network announced plans for a new reality show called ‘GI Joe Millionaire.’ (Conan OBrien Quotes)
The White House says they will release the Osama bin Laden death photo. Better yet, they’re doing it on a set of limited edition commemorative plates (Conan OBrien Quotes)
President Bush got an early Christmas gift. This week, President Bush was chosen as ‘Person of the Year’ by Time magazine. Not only that, Martha Stewart was chosen as person of the year by Doing Time magazine (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Tough times for Martha Stewart. Yesterday, Martha Stewart reported to her parole officer and had to take a mandatory urine test for cocaine and marijuana. Martha was found to be drug-free and her urine was found to be a lovely yellow saffron (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Earlier today, the jury at the Martha Stewart trial reached a verdict. Martha was found guilty on all charges. In a related story, there’s a huge sale at K-Mart (Conan OBrien Quotes)
This is serious, if Martha gets the maximum sentence on all counts, she could serve 20 years in prison. Of course, you have to take off time off for good behavior, which means 20 years in prison (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Earlier today Martha Stewart issued a statement saying ‘I am innocent and will fight to clear my name.’ Yeah, Martha then said ‘I look forward to the day when people stop thinking I am guilty and get back to thinking I am cold and arrogant.’ (Conan OBrien Quotes)
The corporate scandals are getting bigger and bigger. In a speech on Wall Street, President Bush spoke out on corporate responsibility, and he warned executives not to cook the books. Afterwards, Martha Stewart said the correct term was to saute the books (Conan OBrien Quotes)
NBC is making a movie about Martha Stewart that will cover the recent stock scandal. They are thinking of calling it ‘The Road To Extradition.’ (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Presidential candidate Donald Trump had a meeting with Ted Cruz. He said he does not know why he agreed to fly to New York to meet Ted Cruz and then he promised to bring that kind of leadership to the Oval Office (Conan OBrien Quotes)
The Obama administration announced a deal with Iran that would prevent the Iranians from making a nuclear weapon. In exchange, we’re giving the Iranians Netflix (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Iran is celebrating the nuclear deal. The Iranians are going crazy. They’re drinking non-alcoholic champagne and thinking about dancing. That’s how excited they are (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Donald Trump announced today he is running for president of the United States. Traditionally that means six more weeks of comedy (Conan OBrien Quotes)
President Bush delivered a commencement speech at a university in Wisconsin. A very inspirational speech. Apparently Bush told the students, ‘You can do anything in life if your parents work hard enough.’ (Conan OBrien Quotes)
I like being tested. I get as scared as anyone. But the feeling of putting yourself on the line, betting on your talent and having it work; that’s the most exhilarating feeling in the world (Conan OBrien Quotes)
This Thursday, Barack Obama is gonna give his acceptance speech, and reportedly it’s going to include performances by Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen. Yeah. And they say Obama’s not black enough! (Conan OBrien Quotes)
According to a recent survey, kids are receiving an average of 40 cents less from the tooth fairy. That’s right, the economy is so bad that even make-believe people are feeling the pinch. (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Vanity Fair magazine reports that former President Clinton and Al Gore haven’t spoken to each other since George W. Bush’s inauguration. Not only that, Bill and his wife, Hillary, haven’t spoken since Richard Nixon’s inauguration. (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Don’t be cynical; it leads nowhere. If you work hard, and are kind, amazing things will happen to you. (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California’s schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me. (Conan OBrien Quotes)
There’s good random, and there’s bad random. There’s good silly and there’s bad silly, and you’ve gotta know the difference. (Conan OBrien Quotes)