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Conan OBrien Quotes
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Friendship Quotes
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Life Quotes
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Text Quotes
A town in Upstate New York is being accused of being biased ‘cause they sent out absentee ballots that say ‘Barack Osama.’ Today they apologized and printed new ballots that say ‘Barack Hussein Osama.’ (Conan OBrien Quotes)
I think the best thing I ever did was, years before I got the ‘Late Night’ show, when I first got out to Los Angeles to be a television writer, the first thing I did was I signed up to take improvisational classes... And I studied that for years, and I really loved it. (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Today, you have achieved something special, something only 92 percent of Americans your age will ever know: a college diploma. That’s right, with your college diploma you now have a crushing advantage over eight percent of the work force. I’m talking about dropout losers like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerberg. (Conan OBrien Quotes)
On Fox News, Donald Trump said Obama’s birth certificate could indicate that he’s a Muslim. Trump said he doesn’t trust anyone with a foreign-sounding name, and neither does his daughter Ivanka. (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Donald Trump said that if President Obama releases his birth certificate, Trump will release his tax return. Obama said he won’t run for a second term if Trump releases that thing on his head. (Conan OBrien Quotes)
President Obama , I guess, is starting to confess to some of his anxieties. In a recent interview, President Obama said, ‘I miss being anonymous.’ He said, ‘In the old days, I could blend in with all the other Hawaiian Barack Hussein Obamas.’ (Conan OBrien Quotes)
According to a brand new report, alcohol abuse in Ireland is on the rise. Mainly because the guy who didn’t drink now does. (Conan OBrien Quotes)
After making insulting remarks about Mexicans, Donald Trump has been kicked off of NBC and Univision. On the bright side, Trump’s hair has a new show on Animal Planet. (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Even though the Olympics take place during Ramadan, some Muslim athletes said they will not fast during games. Then, after sampling the British food, they said, on second thought, fasting sounds good. (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Bob Dole is going to be appearing in a Pepsi commercial with Britney Spears. Yeah, apparently Dole says that if this doesn’t cure his erectile dysfunction, nothing will. (Conan OBrien Quotes)
It was reported today that U.S. military bases will not show ‘Brokeback Mountain.’ However, during interrogations, U.S. troops will continue to show ‘Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.’ (Conan OBrien Quotes)
A store in Houston is selling Donald Trump piñatas filled with candy. So finally something good is going to come out of Donald Trump. (Conan OBrien Quotes)
There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized. ... Your path at 22 will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42. One’s dream is constantly evolving, rising and falling, changing course. (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Gary Busey said on the Today Show yesterday that Donald Trump would make a great President. Now Trump just needs endorsements from Randy Quaid and Charlie Sheen. (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Jeb Bush cheated on his diet and had a fried Snickers bar, pork on a stick, and a beer. Jeb Bush said he ate it so at least he could see some of his numbers go up. (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Taco Bell is going to start selling nachos and chicken nuggets wrapped in a tortilla. In other words, thank God we’re going to keep Obamacare. (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Donald Trump is not running for president. This is devastating news for Trump’s supporters - all of whom are late night comedians. (Conan OBrien Quotes)
I’ll say I’m happy doing my thing. No one says ‘no comment’ anymore. (Conan OBrien Quotes)
According to a CNN poll, Trump nearly doubled his support from March. Actually, he just combed his March numbers over his current ones. (Conan OBrien Quotes)
It was reported today that the machine on board the International Space Station that turns urine into drinking water has been fixed. After hearing this, an astronaut said, ‘Wait. You mean that wasn’t lemon Tang?’ (Conan OBrien Quotes)
On Election Day, Ralph Nader will appear on the presidential ballot in only 45 states. Yeah, Nader said, this is really disappointing, I wanted to embarrass myself in all 50 states. That was the plan. (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language. (Conan OBrien Quotes)
For the first time American astronauts on the International Space Station ate vegetables grown in space. In other words, even space is getting more rain than California. (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Donald Trump is the grandson of German immigrants. Don’t worry. The last time a German guy with crazy hair took over a country, everything turned out fine. (Conan OBrien Quotes)
The AMA is urging the Federal Government not to classify marijuana as a dangerous drug and do more research. That’s what they said. It’s a big story, yeah. Yeah, that request came not only from the AMA but also from KFC. (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Obama was heckled by someone who said, ‘Don’t forget about medical marijuana.’ The Secret Service has narrowed the suspects down to everyone in L.A. (Conan OBrien Quotes)
North Korea threatened to launch a missile at South Korea. North Korea backed down after South Korea threatened to launch a sequel to ‘Gangnam Style.’ (Conan OBrien Quotes)
NBC executives say that if Donald Trump does run for president, they will not renew The Apprentice. So some good may come out of this. (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Donald Trump insisted he’s always had a great relationship with women. He said, ‘I believe a woman can be anything she wants to be, whether that’s Miss USA or Miss Universe. Either one.’ (Conan OBrien Quotes)
A European brewery has purchased Anheuser-Busch, the makers of Budweiser, for $52 billion. Which is a a shame because if they had waited until happy hour, they could have paid half that. (Conan OBrien Quotes)