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Craig Ferguson Quotes

Clay Aiken ran for Congress in North Carolina. But he didn’t make it. Clay Aiken is famous for coming in second in a TV popularity contest that most people got fed up with years ago. He also lost on ‘American Idol.’ Picture Quote #1

For the first time in history, Congress has 100 women in it. Congratulations. Welcome to modern times, America. It’s great having 100 women in Congress. Unless you’re in line for the congressional bathroom Picture Quote #1

Why don’t they allow professional wrestling at the Olympics? They allow pro basketball players and hockey players. Olympic pro wrestling would be awesome. The team from Mexico could wear those Mr. X masks. The French wrestler could hit his opponent with a baguette. Or perhaps just surrender Picture Quote #1

A dozen swimming events have already been completed in the Olympic competition. I wonder where they got the name ‘Speedo.’ It doesn’t sound like a bathing suit, it sounds like a breakfast cereal for meth addicts Picture Quote #1

In some countries Women’s Day is a national holiday and men give women flowers. In America Women’s Day falls on another holiday, Mardi Gras, where men give women beads in the respectful and post-feminist desire to see their naked boobies Picture Quote #1

Andy Warhol said that in the future everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Facebook is exactly like that except you’re not really famous and your 15 minutes goes on forever Picture Quote #1

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BP CEO Tony Hayward said recently, ‘No one wants this thing over more than I do. I’d like my life back.’ Tony, I’m so sorry you had your summer disrupted. I’d buy you a drink, but you’d probably spill that too and make me clean it up Picture Quote #1

I don’t drink anymore for Cinco de Mayo. I celebrate with Mexican food, or as it’s known in Mexico: ‘food.’ Picture Quote #1

Happy Cinco de Mayo. If you don’t know what that means, maybe you’re a little out of touch - or maybe you’re the governor of Arizona Picture Quote #1

It was on this day that the Bahamas declared independence. Before that they were a British colony. The British Empire lost Canada and the Bahamas, to name just a couple. Britain’s been dumped more times than Taylor Swift. But did they go writing whining songs about it? No Picture Quote #1

There are plans for a new high-speed train between Los Angeles and San Francisco. It will make the trip time 30 minutes. People in L.A. are like, Yes! And people in San Francisco are like, Yeah, sure, great. We look forward to seeing you Picture Quote #1

Larry King has been married more times than Henry the Eighth. We used to have that rhyme to keep track of them. ‘Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, survived.’ With Larry I think it goes, ‘Divorced, beheaded, divorced, escaped. Zombie, lesbian, disappeared, inflatable Picture Quote #1

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You know who sang at Rush Limbaugh’s wedding? Elton John! According to Rush, gay people can sing at weddings. Just not their own Picture Quote #1

It’s not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We’re not afraid of failure Picture Quote #1

Al Qaeda has declared war on the Somali pirates. That is awesome! Evil against evil. Like Alien versus Predator or Cheney versus his lawyer Picture Quote #1

This is my first week as an American citizen. It’s amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol Picture Quote #1

Anyway, if you needed something really dangerous, get a gun. It’s easy, it’s cheap, and it’s the American way Picture Quote #1

Pies were invented 12,000 years ago by the Egyptians. It was an easy way to preserve food that would be carried over long distances. They were like ancient Slim Jims Picture Quote #1

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You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex Picture Quote #1

Apple released the upgraded version of the iPhone 4, called the iPhone 4S. I think the S stands for suckers Picture Quote #1

A lot of people come to L.A. looking for something. What I came here for, I realize now, is to be okay with myself Picture Quote #1

Acid gave me a clinical, unblinking look at madness, and I discovered I wasn’t brave enough to be insane Picture Quote #1

Here’s a tip for all you aspiring young comics: Don’t beat up the customers. It is very difficult to get laughs from an audience when you’ve actually drawn blood from one of their number. It kills the mood Picture Quote #1

I think sometimes that people think brave means not being afraid, which of course it doesn’t mean that at all. It means that you’re afraid, but you move past that and do it anyway, do what you think is right Picture Quote #1

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When I went out on tour as Bing Hitler I would hook up with Lenny and we’d get drunk together. He was always very supportive. He was a big star and a lot of what he said to me had power and impact. Apart from that, I just like him Picture Quote #1

Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations Picture Quote #1

World War Z is out today. The big zombie movie. The trailer looks scary. You see hordes of bodies climbing and rolling over each other. It’s like Black Friday at the mall Picture Quote #1

In Los Angeles on Black Friday, a woman pepper sprayed Wal-Mart shoppers who tried to cut in line. The police acted fast by immediately hiring her to get rid of peaceful protesters outside banking institutions all across the United States Picture Quote #1

The new Pope, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, is now Pope Francis the 1st. Francis was not his first choice for a name. But the Vatican wisely talked him out of Pope Boo Boo Picture Quote #1

Justin Bieber’s tour bus was stopped by Canadian border patrol agents. And they found marijuana. The agents said Bieber was a disgrace to Canada and should never come back. Then they found the marijuana Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

Clay Aiken ran for Congress in North Carolina. But he didn’t make it. Clay Aiken is famous for coming in second in a TV popularity contest that most people got fed up with years ago. He also lost on ‘American Idol.’ (Craig Ferguson Quotes) For the first time in history, Congress has 100 women in it. Congratulations. Welcome to modern times, America. It’s great having 100 women in Congress. Unless you’re in line for the congressional bathroom (Craig Ferguson Quotes) Why don’t they allow professional wrestling at the Olympics? They allow pro basketball players and hockey players. Olympic pro wrestling would be awesome. The team from Mexico could wear those Mr. X masks. The French wrestler could hit his opponent with a baguette. Or perhaps just surrender (Craig Ferguson Quotes) A dozen swimming events have already been completed in the Olympic competition. I wonder where they got the name ‘Speedo.’ It doesn’t sound like a bathing suit, it sounds like a breakfast cereal for meth addicts (Craig Ferguson Quotes) In some countries Women’s Day is a national holiday and men give women flowers. In America Women’s Day falls on another holiday, Mardi Gras, where men give women beads in the respectful and post-feminist desire to see their naked boobies (Craig Ferguson Quotes) Andy Warhol said that in the future everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Facebook is exactly like that except you’re not really famous and your 15 minutes goes on forever (Craig Ferguson Quotes) BP CEO Tony Hayward said recently, ‘No one wants this thing over more than I do. I’d like my life back.’ Tony, I’m so sorry you had your summer disrupted. I’d buy you a drink, but you’d probably spill that too and make me clean it up (Craig Ferguson Quotes) I don’t drink anymore for Cinco de Mayo. I celebrate with Mexican food, or as it’s known in Mexico: ‘food.’ (Craig Ferguson Quotes) Happy Cinco de Mayo. If you don’t know what that means, maybe you’re a little out of touch - or maybe you’re the governor of Arizona (Craig Ferguson Quotes) It was on this day that the Bahamas declared independence. Before that they were a British colony. The British Empire lost Canada and the Bahamas, to name just a couple. Britain’s been dumped more times than Taylor Swift. But did they go writing whining songs about it? No (Craig Ferguson Quotes) There are plans for a new high-speed train between Los Angeles and San Francisco. It will make the trip time 30 minutes. People in L.A. are like, Yes! And people in San Francisco are like, Yeah, sure, great. We look forward to seeing you (Craig Ferguson Quotes) Larry King has been married more times than Henry the Eighth. We used to have that rhyme to keep track of them. ‘Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, survived.’ With Larry I think it goes, ‘Divorced, beheaded, divorced, escaped. Zombie, lesbian, disappeared, inflatable (Craig Ferguson Quotes) You know who sang at Rush Limbaugh’s wedding? Elton John! According to Rush, gay people can sing at weddings. Just not their own (Craig Ferguson Quotes) It’s not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We’re not afraid of failure. (Craig Ferguson Quotes) Al Qaeda has declared war on the Somali pirates. That is awesome! Evil against evil. Like Alien versus Predator or Cheney versus his lawyer. (Craig Ferguson Quotes) This is my first week as an American citizen. It’s amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol. (Craig Ferguson Quotes) Anyway, if you needed something really dangerous, get a gun. It’s easy, it’s cheap, and it’s the American way. (Craig Ferguson Quotes) Pies were invented 12,000 years ago by the Egyptians. It was an easy way to preserve food that would be carried over long distances. They were like ancient Slim Jims. (Craig Ferguson Quotes) You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex. (Craig Ferguson Quotes) Apple released the upgraded version of the iPhone 4, called the iPhone 4S. I think the S stands for suckers. (Craig Ferguson Quotes) A lot of people come to L.A. looking for something. What I came here for, I realize now, is to be okay with myself. (Craig Ferguson Quotes) Acid gave me a clinical, unblinking look at madness, and I discovered I wasn’t brave enough to be insane. (Craig Ferguson Quotes) Here’s a tip for all you aspiring young comics: Don’t beat up the customers. It is very difficult to get laughs from an audience when you’ve actually drawn blood from one of their number. It kills the mood. (Craig Ferguson Quotes) I think sometimes that people think brave means not being afraid, which of course it doesn’t mean that at all. It means that you’re afraid, but you move past that and do it anyway, do what you think is right. (Craig Ferguson Quotes) When I went out on tour as Bing Hitler I would hook up with Lenny and we’d get drunk together. He was always very supportive. He was a big star and a lot of what he said to me had power and impact. Apart from that, I just like him. (Craig Ferguson Quotes) Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations. (Craig Ferguson Quotes) World War Z is out today. The big zombie movie. The trailer looks scary. You see hordes of bodies climbing and rolling over each other. It’s like Black Friday at the mall. (Craig Ferguson Quotes) In Los Angeles on Black Friday, a woman pepper sprayed Wal-Mart shoppers who tried to cut in line. The police acted fast by immediately hiring her to get rid of peaceful protesters outside banking institutions all across the United States. (Craig Ferguson Quotes) The new Pope, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, is now Pope Francis the 1st. Francis was not his first choice for a name. But the Vatican wisely talked him out of Pope Boo Boo. (Craig Ferguson Quotes) Justin Bieber’s tour bus was stopped by Canadian border patrol agents. And they found marijuana. The agents said Bieber was a disgrace to Canada and should never come back. Then they found the marijuana. (Craig Ferguson Quotes)

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