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Dave Attell Quotes

I don’t watch reality TV. I’m cool Picture Quote #1

Jesse Joyce is a great writer Picture Quote #1

I don’t watch reality TV Picture Quote #1

I’m not a movie guy, I’m not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me Picture Quote #1

You should’ve hung out, man Picture Quote #1

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they’re both on fire - they’re exactly alike Picture Quote #1

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I’m a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it’s what I’ve been doing and it’s what I’m going to keep doing Picture Quote #1

When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me Picture Quote #1

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people ‘the cops.’ But you know, sometimes, you’ve just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school! Picture Quote #1

Sometimes. I get recognized, but I’m not really a famous famous. I’m pretty low on the showbiz totem pole - I mean, I’m no Jon or Kate plus eight. I’m just a comic, not a baby factory Picture Quote #1

I’m not the comic of the generation, I’m not even the funniest guy in my family Picture Quote #1

I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I’m not an actor though, so I don’t really have much choice in the matter Picture Quote #1

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For me, Molly Hatchet is high school. It makes me feel like I have hair and a future Picture Quote #1

Remember when you’re young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he’s just a drunk who wears a cape Picture Quote #1

I love Fear Factor, but I think they’re running out of fears. It’s only a matter of time before they’re sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C Picture Quote #1

I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I’ve discovered? I need a girlfriend Picture Quote #1

So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly ‘cause my dad used to beat me with a globe Picture Quote #1

You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel’s. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I’m saying? Because on Jack, you don’t know where you’re going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won’t be wearing any pants Picture Quote #1

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My gym has two-pound weights. If you’re using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What’s your dream? To pump up and open your mail? Picture Quote #1

If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus. Time to buy a Porsche Picture Quote #1

My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn’t really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs Picture Quote #1

I’ve never had a surprise birthday party. I’ve had every other type of surprise. I’ve had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think Picture Quote #1

For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don’t know what happened to them. That’s the crowd that I like, the ones that don’t get so offended just to be offended Picture Quote #1

Let’s say you’re in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don’t know, you have too many teeth Picture Quote #1

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I gotta quit smoking, doctor’s orders, and the drinking, court orders Picture Quote #1

Remember when you’re young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he’s just a drunk who wears a cape Picture Quote #1

I’m not a movie guy, I’m not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me Picture Quote #1

Don’t get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can’t get away Picture Quote #1

There’s a late-night scene in every town, and everyone has something going on, ... I’ve heard good stories about (Syracuse); this is a very good party town, a good drinking place. I definitely would like to come back and check it out further. Do some more research, as I call it Picture Quote #1

I love Fear Factor, but I think they’re running out of fears. It’s only a matter of time before they’re sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

I don’t watch reality TV. I’m cool (Dave Attell Quotes) Jesse Joyce is a great writer (Dave Attell Quotes) I don’t watch reality TV (Dave Attell Quotes) I’m not a movie guy, I’m not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me (Dave Attell Quotes) You should’ve hung out, man (Dave Attell Quotes) You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they’re both on fire - they’re exactly alike (Dave Attell Quotes) I’m a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it’s what I’ve been doing and it’s what I’m going to keep doing (Dave Attell Quotes) When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me (Dave Attell Quotes) Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people ‘the cops.’ But you know, sometimes, you’ve just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school! (Dave Attell Quotes) Sometimes. I get recognized, but I’m not really a famous famous. I’m pretty low on the showbiz totem pole - I mean, I’m no Jon or Kate plus eight. I’m just a comic, not a baby factory (Dave Attell Quotes) I’m not the comic of the generation, I’m not even the funniest guy in my family (Dave Attell Quotes) I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I’m not an actor though, so I don’t really have much choice in the matter (Dave Attell Quotes) For me, Molly Hatchet is high school. It makes me feel like I have hair and a future (Dave Attell Quotes) Remember when you’re young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he’s just a drunk who wears a cape (Dave Attell Quotes) I love Fear Factor, but I think they’re running out of fears. It’s only a matter of time before they’re sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C (Dave Attell Quotes) I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I’ve discovered? I need a girlfriend (Dave Attell Quotes) So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly ‘cause my dad used to beat me with a globe (Dave Attell Quotes) You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel’s. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I’m saying? Because on Jack, you don’t know where you’re going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won’t be wearing any pants (Dave Attell Quotes) My gym has two-pound weights. If you’re using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What’s your dream? To pump up and open your mail? (Dave Attell Quotes) If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus. Time to buy a Porsche. (Dave Attell Quotes) My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn’t really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs. (Dave Attell Quotes) I’ve never had a surprise birthday party. I’ve had every other type of surprise. I’ve had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think. (Dave Attell Quotes) For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don’t know what happened to them. That’s the crowd that I like, the ones that don’t get so offended just to be offended. (Dave Attell Quotes) Let’s say you’re in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don’t know, you have too many teeth. (Dave Attell Quotes) I gotta quit smoking, doctor’s orders, and the drinking, court orders (Dave Attell Quotes) Remember when you’re young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he’s just a drunk who wears a cape. (Dave Attell Quotes) I’m not a movie guy, I’m not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me. (Dave Attell Quotes) Don’t get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can’t get away. (Dave Attell Quotes) There’s a late-night scene in every town, and everyone has something going on, ... I’ve heard good stories about (Syracuse); this is a very good party town, a good drinking place. I definitely would like to come back and check it out further. Do some more research, as I call it. (Dave Attell Quotes) I love Fear Factor, but I think they’re running out of fears. It’s only a matter of time before they’re sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C. (Dave Attell Quotes)

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