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Dave Barry Quotes

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light Picture Quote #1

Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights Picture Quote #1

The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals Picture Quote #1

Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them Picture Quote #1

Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spiderwebs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests Picture Quote #1

Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals Picture Quote #1

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A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call Picture Quote #1

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11 Picture Quote #1

I’ve gained a few pounds around the middle. The only lower body garments I own that still fit me comfortably are towels Picture Quote #1

As long as humanity has been human, it has looked toward the heavens and dreamed that some day, some way, there would be giant federal contracts involved Picture Quote #1

For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball Picture Quote #1

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible Picture Quote #1

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Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough Picture Quote #1

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person Picture Quote #1

If it weren’t for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers Picture Quote #1

Guys care about sports teams. I’m not talking about simply rooting; I’m talking about a relationship that guys develop, a commitment to a sport team that guys take way more seriously than, for example, wedding vows Picture Quote #1

2. The instant the doors open, you want to push forward as hard as possible, in an effort to get onto the train without letting anybody off. This is very important. If anybody does get off, it is legal to tackle him and drag him back on Picture Quote #1

Normal person’s weekly chore list: 1. clean kitchen. 2. clean bathroom. 3. clean entire rest of domicile. cleaning impaired person’s weekly chore list: 1. don’t get peanut butter on sheets Picture Quote #1

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He felt a momentary pang of regret that he had not spent more time with his beloved wife. But it passed when he remembered that the reason he’d gone to sea in the first place was that he had never really liked his beloved wife Picture Quote #1

I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes Picture Quote #1

When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer Picture Quote #1

You can, legally, possibly hit and kill a fellow golfer with a ball, and there will not be a lot of trouble because the other golfers will refuse to stop and be witnesses because they will want to keep playing Picture Quote #1

Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor’s garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one Picture Quote #1

Americans who travel abroad for the first time are often shocked to discover that, despite all the progress that has been made in the last 30 years, many foreign people still speak in foreign languages Picture Quote #1

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Your guess is as good as mine. Better probably, because you haven’t had four beers Picture Quote #1

Talking about golf is always boring. Playing golf can be interesting, but not the part where you try to hit the little ball; only the part where you drive the cart Picture Quote #1

I hate rap music, which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person who was supposed to provide them with a melody never showed up Picture Quote #1

I, alone, could never have produced this book. I say this mainly in case there are lawsuits Picture Quote #1

There are a number of people without whom I could not have written this book, but I hope you don’t hold that against them. They are all fine people, and they had no idea how it would turn out Picture Quote #1

Dating means doing a lot of fun things you will never do again if you get married. The fun stops with marriage because you're trying to save money for when you split up your property Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

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Text Quotes

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light (Dave Barry Quotes) Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights (Dave Barry Quotes) The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals (Dave Barry Quotes) Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them (Dave Barry Quotes) Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spiderwebs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests (Dave Barry Quotes) Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals (Dave Barry Quotes) A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call (Dave Barry Quotes) There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11 (Dave Barry Quotes) I’ve gained a few pounds around the middle. The only lower body garments I own that still fit me comfortably are towels (Dave Barry Quotes) As long as humanity has been human, it has looked toward the heavens and dreamed that some day, some way, there would be giant federal contracts involved (Dave Barry Quotes) For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball (Dave Barry Quotes) My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible (Dave Barry Quotes) Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough (Dave Barry Quotes) A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person (Dave Barry Quotes) If it weren’t for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers (Dave Barry Quotes) Guys care about sports teams. I’m not talking about simply rooting; I’m talking about a relationship that guys develop, a commitment to a sport team that guys take way more seriously than, for example, wedding vows (Dave Barry Quotes) 2. The instant the doors open, you want to push forward as hard as possible, in an effort to get onto the train without letting anybody off. This is very important. If anybody does get off, it is legal to tackle him and drag him back on (Dave Barry Quotes) Normal person’s weekly chore list: 1. clean kitchen. 2. clean bathroom. 3. clean entire rest of domicile. cleaning impaired person’s weekly chore list: 1. don’t get peanut butter on sheets (Dave Barry Quotes) He felt a momentary pang of regret that he had not spent more time with his beloved wife. But it passed when he remembered that the reason he’d gone to sea in the first place was that he had never really liked his beloved wife (Dave Barry Quotes) I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes (Dave Barry Quotes) When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer (Dave Barry Quotes) You can, legally, possibly hit and kill a fellow golfer with a ball, and there will not be a lot of trouble because the other golfers will refuse to stop and be witnesses because they will want to keep playing (Dave Barry Quotes) Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor’s garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one (Dave Barry Quotes) Americans who travel abroad for the first time are often shocked to discover that, despite all the progress that has been made in the last 30 years, many foreign people still speak in foreign languages (Dave Barry Quotes) Your guess is as good as mine. Better probably, because you haven’t had four beers (Dave Barry Quotes) Talking about golf is always boring. Playing golf can be interesting, but not the part where you try to hit the little ball; only the part where you drive the cart (Dave Barry Quotes) I hate rap music, which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person who was supposed to provide them with a melody never showed up (Dave Barry Quotes) I, alone, could never have produced this book. I say this mainly in case there are lawsuits (Dave Barry Quotes) There are a number of people without whom I could not have written this book, but I hope you don’t hold that against them. They are all fine people, and they had no idea how it would turn out (Dave Barry Quotes) Dating means doing a lot of fun things you will never do again if you get married. The fun stops with marriage because you're trying to save money for when you split up your property (Dave Barry Quotes)

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