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Dave Barry Quotes

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time Picture Quote #1

Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information which is how I got a good job in journalism Picture Quote #1

Although humans tend to view sex as mainly a fun recreational activity sometimes resulting in death, in nature it is a far more serious matter Picture Quote #1

A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation’s state legislators Picture Quote #1

Today’s scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? And where does it go after it leaves the toaster? Picture Quote #1

I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse Picture Quote #1

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Hardware: This is the part of the computer that stops working when you spill beer on it Picture Quote #1

If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires Picture Quote #1

Unlike cats dogs never scratch you when you wash them. They just become very sad and try to figure out what they did wrong Picture Quote #1

Dogs love to go for rides. A dog will happily get into any vehicle going anywhere Picture Quote #1

Your federal government needs your money so that it can perform vital services for you that you would not think up yourself in a million years Picture Quote #1

It takes a minimum of six people, working in close harmony, to successfully flush a nautical toilet. That’s why those old ships carried such large crews Picture Quote #1

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He’s a boating enthusiast, although that phrase seems too weak to describe the level of his interest, kind of like describing someone as a heroin fancier Picture Quote #1

Today’s beauty ideal, strictly enforced by the media, is a person with the same level of body fat as a paper clip Picture Quote #1

I become faint and nauseous during even very minor medical procedures, such as making an appointment by phone Picture Quote #1

As a professional journalist, I have always been fascinated by people who appear to have even more spare time than I do Picture Quote #1

For the benefit of those of you who have real jobs and are not involved in the news business, I should first explain that Picture Quote #1

The best way to understand this whole issue is to look at what the government does: it takes money from some people, keeps a bunch of it, and gives the rest to other people Picture Quote #1

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Experts agree that the best type of computer for your individual needs is one that comes on the market about two days after you actually purchase some other computer Picture Quote #1

Avoid the traffic by using one of the park’s shuttle buses and view the elk rut with a park ranger Picture Quote #1

I say we scrap the current system and replace it with a system wherein you add your name to the bottom of a list, and then you send some money to the person at the top of the list, and then you... Oh, wait, that is our current system Picture Quote #1

If the security personnel do their job properly, they just might cause you to miss your plane, thereby possibly saving your life Picture Quote #1

I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around Picture Quote #1

Granted, this system is insane, but we must not let sanity stand in the way of airport security Picture Quote #1

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Funny, isn’t it? The airlines go to all that trouble to keep you from taking a gun on board, then they just hand you a dinner roll you could kill a musk ox with Picture Quote #1

Canada, as you know, is a major important nation boasting a sophisticated, cosmopolitan culture that was tragically destroyed last week by beavers Picture Quote #1

In my experience, if you go to a hospital for any reason whatsoever, including to read the gas meter, they give you a tetanus shot Picture Quote #1

Earnest is our dog. She senses instantly that something is wrong, and guided by that timeless and unerring nurturing instinct that all female dogs have, she tries to lick my ears off Picture Quote #1

The first animals to be successfully domesticated were dogs, which were a big help because they would bark all night and fetch thrown sticks, thereby freeing humans from having to perform these tedious yet vital tasks Picture Quote #1

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You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time (Dave Barry Quotes) Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information which is how I got a good job in journalism (Dave Barry Quotes) Although humans tend to view sex as mainly a fun recreational activity sometimes resulting in death, in nature it is a far more serious matter (Dave Barry Quotes) A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation’s state legislators (Dave Barry Quotes) Today’s scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? And where does it go after it leaves the toaster? (Dave Barry Quotes) I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse (Dave Barry Quotes) Hardware: This is the part of the computer that stops working when you spill beer on it (Dave Barry Quotes) If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires (Dave Barry Quotes) Unlike cats dogs never scratch you when you wash them. They just become very sad and try to figure out what they did wrong (Dave Barry Quotes) Dogs love to go for rides. A dog will happily get into any vehicle going anywhere (Dave Barry Quotes) Your federal government needs your money so that it can perform vital services for you that you would not think up yourself in a million years (Dave Barry Quotes) It takes a minimum of six people, working in close harmony, to successfully flush a nautical toilet. That’s why those old ships carried such large crews (Dave Barry Quotes) He’s a boating enthusiast, although that phrase seems too weak to describe the level of his interest, kind of like describing someone as a heroin fancier (Dave Barry Quotes) Today’s beauty ideal, strictly enforced by the media, is a person with the same level of body fat as a paper clip (Dave Barry Quotes) I become faint and nauseous during even very minor medical procedures, such as making an appointment by phone (Dave Barry Quotes) As a professional journalist, I have always been fascinated by people who appear to have even more spare time than I do (Dave Barry Quotes) For the benefit of those of you who have real jobs and are not involved in the news business, I should first explain that (Dave Barry Quotes) The best way to understand this whole issue is to look at what the government does: it takes money from some people, keeps a bunch of it, and gives the rest to other people (Dave Barry Quotes) Experts agree that the best type of computer for your individual needs is one that comes on the market about two days after you actually purchase some other computer (Dave Barry Quotes) Avoid the traffic by using one of the park’s shuttle buses and view the elk rut with a park ranger (Dave Barry Quotes) I say we scrap the current system and replace it with a system wherein you add your name to the bottom of a list, and then you send some money to the person at the top of the list, and then you... Oh, wait, that is our current system (Dave Barry Quotes) If the security personnel do their job properly, they just might cause you to miss your plane, thereby possibly saving your life (Dave Barry Quotes) I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around (Dave Barry Quotes) Granted, this system is insane, but we must not let sanity stand in the way of airport security (Dave Barry Quotes) Funny, isn’t it? The airlines go to all that trouble to keep you from taking a gun on board, then they just hand you a dinner roll you could kill a musk ox with (Dave Barry Quotes) Canada, as you know, is a major important nation boasting a sophisticated, cosmopolitan culture that was tragically destroyed last week by beavers (Dave Barry Quotes) In my experience, if you go to a hospital for any reason whatsoever, including to read the gas meter, they give you a tetanus shot (Dave Barry Quotes) Earnest is our dog. She senses instantly that something is wrong, and guided by that timeless and unerring nurturing instinct that all female dogs have, she tries to lick my ears off (Dave Barry Quotes) The first animals to be successfully domesticated were dogs, which were a big help because they would bark all night and fetch thrown sticks, thereby freeing humans from having to perform these tedious yet vital tasks (Dave Barry Quotes) English history consists largely of royal people getting their heads chopped off... Needless to say, this brand of history was a hit with our son (Dave Barry Quotes)

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