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Dave Barry Quotes

The central point of this final chapter is that - follow my logic carefully here - unless you die, you will continue to get older. (It’s insights like this that separate the professional book author from the person with a real job.) Picture Quote #1

Software is usually accompanied by documentation in the form of big fat scary manuals that nobody ever reads. In fact, for the past five years most of the manuals shipped with software products have actually been copies of Stephen King’s The Stand with new covers pasted on Picture Quote #1

What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good grammar. For example, I could say: Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow, painful death in North America, or Without good grammar, the United States would have lost World War II Picture Quote #1

We’re deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right in his bowl full of jelly Picture Quote #1

In more than 20 years of opening beers with guys, I have NEVER seen the Swedish Bikini Team show up. Almost always, the teams that show up in beer drinking situations consist of guys who have been playing league softball and smell like bus seats Picture Quote #1

Millions of Americans own dogs, because they are good-natured, simple, and easily amused. I am referring here to the Americans. The dogs are not exactly Mensa members either, but they definitely make better pets than tropical fish Picture Quote #1

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On behalf of the newspaper industry I wish to announce some changes we’re making to serve you better. When I say ‘serve you better,’’ I mean ‘increase our profits.’ We newspapers are very big on profits these days. We’re a business, just like any other business, except that we employ English majors Picture Quote #1

Speaking of food, English cuisine has received a lot of unfair criticism over the years, but the truth is that it can be a very pleasant surprise to the connoisseur of severely overcooked livestock organs served in lukewarm puddles of congealed grease. England manufactures most of the world’s airline food, as well as all the food you ever ate in your junior-high-school cafeteria Picture Quote #1

What’s happened to marriage? The wedding-industrial complex. Brides get swept up in this world of obsession - it has to be your perfect day Picture Quote #1

Sign at a Kentucky appliance store: Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work Picture Quote #1

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers Picture Quote #1

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’ Picture Quote #1

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Shawn’s (Shawn Weatherly - former beauty queen) acting ability is such that she could not convey the concept of falling if your pushed her off a cliff Picture Quote #1

The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs Picture Quote #1

But from the perspective of the aging parent, there is no major difference between four and fifteen, except that when your child is four, his motoring privileges are restricted to little toy Fisher-Price vehicles which are unlikely (although I would not totally rule it out in America) to sue you Picture Quote #1

Motto of the U.S. airline industry - We’re Hoping to Have a Motto Announcement in About an Hour Picture Quote #1

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy Picture Quote #1

Today’s beauty ideal, strictly enforced by the media, is a person with the same level of body fat as a paper clip Picture Quote #1

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This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat content Picture Quote #1

As a professional journalist, I am always looking for new ways to get paid for being motionless Picture Quote #1

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep Picture Quote #1

I can’t recall a story that played out exactly as I’d expected it to. That’s one of the thrills of journalism - being surprised, and learning new stuff, but it also poses the biggest challenge to a writer’s character Picture Quote #1

I was a young person once, shortly after the polar ice caps retreated, and I distinctly recall believing that virtually all adults were clueless goobers Picture Quote #1

When I say ‘serve you better,’ I mean ‘increase our profits.’ We newspapers are very big on profits these days Picture Quote #1

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I watched as an extremely nerdy exhibitor - I’m talking about a guy who makes Bill Gates look like Brad Pitt Picture Quote #1

Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions Picture Quote #1

I bought Windows 2.0, Windows 3.0, Windows 3.1415926, Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows ME, Windows RSVP, The Best of Windows, Windows Strikes Back, Windows Does Dallas, and Windows Let’s All Buy Bill Gates a House the Size of Vermont Picture Quote #1

As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would interfere with flight Picture Quote #1

When I was a kid, I thought history was the most boring subject of all. I shouldn’t blame my teachers; I should blame me, but I’ll blame them Picture Quote #1

As sensitive and broad-minded humans, we must never allow ourselves to be in any way judgmental of the religious practices of other people, even when these people clearly are raving space loons Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

The central point of this final chapter is that - follow my logic carefully here - unless you die, you will continue to get older. (It’s insights like this that separate the professional book author from the person with a real job.) (Dave Barry Quotes) Software is usually accompanied by documentation in the form of big fat scary manuals that nobody ever reads. In fact, for the past five years most of the manuals shipped with software products have actually been copies of Stephen King’s The Stand with new covers pasted on (Dave Barry Quotes) What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good grammar. For example, I could say: Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow, painful death in North America, or Without good grammar, the United States would have lost World War II (Dave Barry Quotes) We’re deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right in his bowl full of jelly (Dave Barry Quotes) In more than 20 years of opening beers with guys, I have NEVER seen the Swedish Bikini Team show up. Almost always, the teams that show up in beer drinking situations consist of guys who have been playing league softball and smell like bus seats (Dave Barry Quotes) Millions of Americans own dogs, because they are good-natured, simple, and easily amused. I am referring here to the Americans. The dogs are not exactly Mensa members either, but they definitely make better pets than tropical fish (Dave Barry Quotes) On behalf of the newspaper industry I wish to announce some changes we’re making to serve you better. When I say ‘serve you better,’’ I mean ‘increase our profits.’ We newspapers are very big on profits these days. We’re a business, just like any other business, except that we employ English majors (Dave Barry Quotes) Speaking of food, English cuisine has received a lot of unfair criticism over the years, but the truth is that it can be a very pleasant surprise to the connoisseur of severely overcooked livestock organs served in lukewarm puddles of congealed grease. England manufactures most of the world’s airline food, as well as all the food you ever ate in your junior-high-school cafeteria (Dave Barry Quotes) What’s happened to marriage? The wedding-industrial complex. Brides get swept up in this world of obsession - it has to be your perfect day (Dave Barry Quotes) Sign at a Kentucky appliance store: Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work (Dave Barry Quotes) The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers (Dave Barry Quotes) If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’ (Dave Barry Quotes) Shawn’s (Shawn Weatherly - former beauty queen) acting ability is such that she could not convey the concept of falling if your pushed her off a cliff (Dave Barry Quotes) The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs. (Dave Barry Quotes) But from the perspective of the aging parent, there is no major difference between four and fifteen, except that when your child is four, his motoring privileges are restricted to little toy Fisher-Price vehicles which are unlikely (although I would not totally rule it out in America) to sue you. (Dave Barry Quotes) Motto of the U.S. airline industry - We’re Hoping to Have a Motto Announcement in About an Hour. (Dave Barry Quotes) When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. (Dave Barry Quotes) Today’s beauty ideal, strictly enforced by the media, is a person with the same level of body fat as a paper clip. (Dave Barry Quotes) This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat content. (Dave Barry Quotes) As a professional journalist, I am always looking for new ways to get paid for being motionless (Dave Barry Quotes) Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep. (Dave Barry Quotes) I can’t recall a story that played out exactly as I’d expected it to. That’s one of the thrills of journalism - being surprised, and learning new stuff, but it also poses the biggest challenge to a writer’s character. (Dave Barry Quotes) I was a young person once, shortly after the polar ice caps retreated, and I distinctly recall believing that virtually all adults were clueless goobers. (Dave Barry Quotes) When I say ‘serve you better,’ I mean ‘increase our profits.’ We newspapers are very big on profits these days. (Dave Barry Quotes) I watched as an extremely nerdy exhibitor - I’m talking about a guy who makes Bill Gates look like Brad Pitt ... (Dave Barry Quotes) Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions. (Dave Barry Quotes) I bought Windows 2.0, Windows 3.0, Windows 3.1415926, Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows ME, Windows RSVP, The Best of Windows, Windows Strikes Back, Windows Does Dallas, and Windows Let’s All Buy Bill Gates a House the Size of Vermont. (Dave Barry Quotes) As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would interfere with flight (Dave Barry Quotes) When I was a kid, I thought history was the most boring subject of all. I shouldn’t blame my teachers; I should blame me, but I’ll blame them. (Dave Barry Quotes) As sensitive and broad-minded humans, we must never allow ourselves to be in any way judgmental of the religious practices of other people, even when these people clearly are raving space loons. (Dave Barry Quotes)

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 - 13