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Dave Barry Quotes

For the benefit of those of you who have real jobs and are not involved in the news business, I should first explain that . . Picture Quote #1

Technology is constantly improving our lives. Look at the cellular telephone. Just ten years ago, virtually nobody was able to get into a car crash caused by trying to steer and dial at the same time; today, people do this all the time Picture Quote #1

I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems Picture Quote #1

Teenagers are bored. By everything. Show a teenager an actual volcanic eruption, in progress, featuring giant billowing clouds of smoke, hot rocks raining from the sky, lava flows destroying entire villages, etc., and the teenager, eyebrows arched with sarcasm, will look at you and say, Gee, this is swell, then return to the rental car, turn on his portable CD player, and listen to a band called Stomach Contents Picture Quote #1

You can’t have a bad time at Disney World. It’s not allowed. They have hidden electronic surveillance cameras everywhere, and if they catch you failing to laugh with childlike wonder, they lock you inside a costume representing a beloved Disney character such as Goofy and make you walk about in the Florida heat getting grabbed and leaped on by violently excited children until you have learned your lesson Picture Quote #1

Classical music gradually lost popularity because it is too complicated: you need twenty-five or thirty skilled musicians just to hum it properly. So people began to develop regular music Picture Quote #1

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Normal person’s weekly chore list: 1. clean kitchen. 2. clean bathroom. 3. clean entire rest of domicile. cleaning impaired person’s weekly chore list: 1. don’t get peanut butter on sheets Picture Quote #1

Kakimi chertyami oni viigrali holodnuyu voinu?This translates roughly to: How the hell did these people win the Cold War? Picture Quote #1

When preparing your return, you should be sure to avoid common mistakes. The two most common taxpayer mistakes, states the IRS booklet, are (1) failure to include a current address, and (2) failure to be a large industry that gives humongous contributions to key tax-law-writing congresspersons Picture Quote #1

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically Picture Quote #1

The other major kind of computer is the Apple, which I do not recommend, because it is a wuss-o-rama New-Age computer you basically just plug in and use Picture Quote #1

The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, people without lives. We don’t care. We have each other Picture Quote #1

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I grew up in the Southwest Bronx. Father an accountant, mother a schoolteacher. Brother was six years older, which explains why I gobbled crystal meth at 12, smoked hashish at 13, and was shooting smack at 17, which explains how I got Hepatitis C, which was the basis of my first book, which was a humor book about dying Picture Quote #1

I guess libertarianism is always considered so weird and fringe that people assume that you’re in the closet if you don’t go around talking about it Picture Quote #1

The way this country deals with drugs is just not funny. What a waste of everyone’s time and effort. What a waste of a lot of people’s lives Picture Quote #1

I never stop running. I’m not one of the weenies who drop out just because the electoral college votes. I’m still in the race. I’m an extremely corrupt candidate and I stress that in case anybody in our reading audience is interested in sending me money Picture Quote #1

Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table Picture Quote #1

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Never try to put all the chemicals in the entire world in your body at the same time Picture Quote #1

Genes are little items that are found in every living thing except Sen. Alfonse D’Amato Picture Quote #1

Every year, hundreds of thousands of people try their hand at this demanding profession (humor columnist). After a few months, almost all of them have given up and gone back to the ninth grade Picture Quote #1

I’m reading Team of Rivals’’ I’ll probably ending up reading a bunch of books about the Civil War. But I think my all-time favorite book about the war is the novel, The Killer Angels’’ by Michael Shaara Picture Quote #1

Are we ever going to have a federal tax system that regular people can understand? Picture Quote #1

Men’s magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women’s magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman’s body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women Picture Quote #1

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Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor’s garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one Picture Quote #1

The problem with winter sports is that -- follow me closely here -- they generally take place in winter Picture Quote #1

I have seen women walk right past a TV set with a football game on and - this always amazes me - not stop to watch, even if the TV is showing replays of what we call a good hit, which is a tackle that causes at least one major internal organ to actually fly out of a player’s body Picture Quote #1

Some [soccer] players suffer four or five fatal injuries per game. That’s how tough they are Picture Quote #1

We travel because, no matter how comfortable we are at home, there’s a part of us that wants - that needs - to see new vistas, take new tours, obtain new entrees, introduce new bacteria into our intestinal tracts, learn new words for transfusion, and have all the other travel adventures that make us want to French-kiss our doormats when we finally get home Picture Quote #1

This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes to get a beer Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

For the benefit of those of you who have real jobs and are not involved in the news business, I should first explain that . . . (Dave Barry Quotes) Technology is constantly improving our lives. Look at the cellular telephone. Just ten years ago, virtually nobody was able to get into a car crash caused by trying to steer and dial at the same time; today, people do this all the time. (Dave Barry Quotes) I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems. (Dave Barry Quotes) Teenagers are bored. By everything. Show a teenager an actual volcanic eruption, in progress, featuring giant billowing clouds of smoke, hot rocks raining from the sky, lava flows destroying entire villages, etc., and the teenager, eyebrows arched with sarcasm, will look at you and say, Gee, this is swell, then return to the rental car, turn on his portable CD player, and listen to a band called Stomach Contents. (Dave Barry Quotes) You can’t have a bad time at Disney World. It’s not allowed. They have hidden electronic surveillance cameras everywhere, and if they catch you failing to laugh with childlike wonder, they lock you inside a costume representing a beloved Disney character such as Goofy and make you walk about in the Florida heat getting grabbed and leaped on by violently excited children until you have learned your lesson. (Dave Barry Quotes) Classical music gradually lost popularity because it is too complicated: you need twenty-five or thirty skilled musicians just to hum it properly. So people began to develop regular music. (Dave Barry Quotes) Normal person’s weekly chore list: 1. clean kitchen. 2. clean bathroom. 3. clean entire rest of domicile. cleaning impaired person’s weekly chore list: 1. don’t get peanut butter on sheets. (Dave Barry Quotes) Kakimi chertyami oni viigrali holodnuyu voinu?This translates roughly to: How the hell did these people win the Cold War? (Dave Barry Quotes) When preparing your return, you should be sure to avoid common mistakes. The two most common taxpayer mistakes, states the IRS booklet, are (1) failure to include a current address, and (2) failure to be a large industry that gives humongous contributions to key tax-law-writing congresspersons. (Dave Barry Quotes) Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically. (Dave Barry Quotes) The other major kind of computer is the Apple, which I do not recommend, because it is a wuss-o-rama New-Age computer you basically just plug in and use. (Dave Barry Quotes) The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, people without lives. We don’t care. We have each other... (Dave Barry Quotes) I grew up in the Southwest Bronx. Father an accountant, mother a schoolteacher. Brother was six years older, which explains why I gobbled crystal meth at 12, smoked hashish at 13, and was shooting smack at 17, which explains how I got Hepatitis C, which was the basis of my first book, which was a humor book about dying. (Dave Barry Quotes) I guess libertarianism is always considered so weird and fringe that people assume that you’re in the closet if you don’t go around talking about it. (Dave Barry Quotes) The way this country deals with drugs is just not funny. What a waste of everyone’s time and effort. What a waste of a lot of people’s lives. (Dave Barry Quotes) I never stop running. I’m not one of the weenies who drop out just because the electoral college votes. I’m still in the race. I’m an extremely corrupt candidate and I stress that in case anybody in our reading audience is interested in sending me money. (Dave Barry Quotes) Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table (Dave Barry Quotes) English history consists largely of royal people getting their heads chopped off...Needless to say, this brand of history was a hit with our son. (Dave Barry Quotes) Never try to put all the chemicals in the entire world in your body at the same time (Dave Barry Quotes) Genes are little items that are found in every living thing except Sen. Alfonse D’Amato. (Dave Barry Quotes) Every year, hundreds of thousands of people try their hand at this demanding profession (humor columnist). After a few months, almost all of them have given up and gone back to the ninth grade. (Dave Barry Quotes) I’m reading Team of Rivals’’ I’ll probably ending up reading a bunch of books about the Civil War. But I think my all-time favorite book about the war is the novel, The Killer Angels’’ by Michael Shaara. (Dave Barry Quotes) Are we ever going to have a federal tax system that regular people can understand? (Dave Barry Quotes) Men’s magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women’s magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman’s body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women. (Dave Barry Quotes) Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor’s garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one. (Dave Barry Quotes) The problem with winter sports is that -- follow me closely here -- they generally take place in winter. (Dave Barry Quotes) I have seen women walk right past a TV set with a football game on and - this always amazes me - not stop to watch, even if the TV is showing replays of what we call a good hit, which is a tackle that causes at least one major internal organ to actually fly out of a player’s body. (Dave Barry Quotes) Some [soccer] players suffer four or five fatal injuries per game. That’s how tough they are. (Dave Barry Quotes) We travel because, no matter how comfortable we are at home, there’s a part of us that wants - that needs - to see new vistas, take new tours, obtain new entrees, introduce new bacteria into our intestinal tracts, learn new words for transfusion, and have all the other travel adventures that make us want to French-kiss our doormats when we finally get home. (Dave Barry Quotes) This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes to get a beer. (Dave Barry Quotes)

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