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Dave Barry Quotes
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Friendship Quotes
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Life Quotes
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Text Quotes
Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on Earth, with a top speed of 120 feet per second, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter (Dave Barry Quotes)
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above average drivers (Dave Barry Quotes)
The best baby sitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida (Dave Barry Quotes)
The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, people without lives. We don't care. We have each other (Dave Barry Quotes)
A Mission Statement is a dense slab of words that a large organization produces when it needs to establish that its workers are not just sitting around downloading Internet porn (Dave Barry Quotes)
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy (Dave Barry Quotes)
A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how we express the anxiety we feel at this knowledge (Dave Barry Quotes)
The problem is, when Oprah lost all that weight, her head didn't get any smaller. and so she looks kind of like a person carrying a balloon (Dave Barry Quotes)
I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to (Dave Barry Quotes)
The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes (Dave Barry Quotes)
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking (Dave Barry Quotes)
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza (Dave Barry Quotes)
What Dad means by see of course, is drive past at 67 miles per hour. Dad feels it is a foolish waste of valuable vacation time to get out of the car and actually go look at an attraction (Dave Barry Quotes)
Denmark (also called Norway) is best known as the original home of the prune Danish as well as the Vikings, who wore hats with horns sticking out of them, and for a very good reason: They were insane (Dave Barry Quotes)
The best way to learn Japanese is to be born as a Japanese baby, in Japan, raised by a Japanese family (Dave Barry Quotes)
Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth (Dave Barry Quotes)
What was life like in the colonies? Probably the best word to describe it would be colonial (Dave Barry Quotes)
In sports, the U. S. Open is not actually held because it's more efficient just to mail the check to Tiger Woods (Dave Barry Quotes)
The taxpayers cannot be relied upon to support performing arts such as opera. As a taxpayer, I am forced to admit that I would rather undergo a vasectomy via weed whacker than attend an opera (Dave Barry Quotes)
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment (Dave Barry Quotes)
It's income tax time again, americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta (Dave Barry Quotes)
And that's the wonderful thing about family travel: it provides you with experiences that will remain locked forever in the scar tissue of your mind (Dave Barry Quotes)
Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons (Dave Barry Quotes)
It is a good idea to shop around before you settle on a doctor. Ask about the condition of his Mercedes. Ask about the competence of his mechanic. Don't be shy! After all, you're paying for it (Dave Barry Quotes)
The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system, the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn't have to watch (Dave Barry Quotes)
There are two distinctive classes of people today, those who have personal computers, and those who have several thousand extra dollars apiece (Dave Barry Quotes)
Although Golf was originally restricted to wealthy Protestants, today its open to anybody who owns hideous clothing (Dave Barry Quotes)
Babies and other hazards of sex: how to make a tiny person in only 9 months, with tools you probably have around the home (Dave Barry Quotes)
Which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps (Dave Barry Quotes)
Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no need to involve your brain (Dave Barry Quotes)