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David Letterman Quotes

New York City subways are now getting high speed Internet. How about some high speed subway trains? Picture Quote #1

Here’s my problem. On Valentine’s Day the flowers are wilting and so am I Picture Quote #1

In pop culture news, Lady Gaga got married. And yes, she was wearing white meat Picture Quote #1

Donald Trump is on the show tonight. Donald is a big man, I think 230 pounds -- 235 with cologne Picture Quote #1

You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and Kim Jong Un had him executed. I remember the same thing happened when a guy used Martha Stewart’s personal lemon zester Picture Quote #1

A guy in Pennsylvania was arrested because he was drunk in his golf cart going from bar to bar. So they arrested him. I said: Wait a minute. Isn’t that golf? Picture Quote #1

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Do you remember when you found out there was no Santa Claus? I was so upset I didn’t think I’d be able to do the show Picture Quote #1

Congratulations to Chelsea Clinton. Over the weekend, she gave birth to a baby girl. The baby girl will not confirm or deny whether she’s running in 2056 Picture Quote #1

President Bush says he now wants to simplify the tax code. Only those in the blue states will pay Picture Quote #1

Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew is coming. You drink it, you get a combination of type 1 and type 2 diabetes Picture Quote #1

Fifteen years ago tomorrow I had open heart surgery, a quintuple bypass surgery. Thanks to all of my doctors. Because of them, in 15 years of life I’ve been able to experience, well, acid reflux, short-term memory loss, and erectile dysfunction. Thanks for all your work. It’s great to be alive Picture Quote #1

There was a flight from Cleveland to New York City with just two people on board. There hasn’t been two people on an airplane since the Wright brothers Picture Quote #1

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I’m so excited for my son. On Christmas morning I want to see his face, to be there when he opens the gifts. I want the see what my assistants got him for Christmas Picture Quote #1

You can now buy a pack of beer containing 99 cans. A 99-can pack of beer. Who says America has lost its competitive edge? Picture Quote #1

Security here in New York City is still very tight. Hookers in Times Square now are demanding two forms of fake ID Picture Quote #1

Meryl Streep is on the program tonight. I like to throw her a little work whenever I can Picture Quote #1

It turns out that President Obama has acid reflux. He had a sore throat, went to the hospital, and they diagnosed it as acid reflux. Talk about irony -- it’s not covered by Obamacare Picture Quote #1

I’ll be honest with you. It’s beginning to look like I’m not going to get ‘The Tonight Show.’ Picture Quote #1

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Tomorrow is our final show. That is unless it rains, and then there will be a rain delay. We’ll probably make it up in a doubleheader around Labor Day Picture Quote #1

Bill Murray is on the show tonight. Next week I’ll be Goggling ‘foods that improve prostate health.’ Picture Quote #1

Unusual weather for New York City. Today it was 68 and foggy. No, wait a minute, that’s me. I’m sorry, that’s me Picture Quote #1

Holyfield won the fight. It’s not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy Picture Quote #1

Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential hopeful, boxed former heavyweight champion of the world Evander Holyfield for charity. It was a horrible moment when Romney bit off Holyfield’s other ear Picture Quote #1

The new ‘Mad Max’ movie takes place in a post-apocalyptic world. I have a small part in ‘Mad Max.’ I play the old geezer who remembers what steak tasted like Picture Quote #1

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By accident Jeb Bush announced that he was running for president. And then he said, ‘No, not yet. OK, I made a mistake.’ And then later in the day, by accident, he called Hillary and congratulated her Picture Quote #1

George Clooney is on the program tonight. Next week at this time I will be in a hardware store watching them mix paint Picture Quote #1

Last night we had Bill Clinton, the former president. Security was as tight as Governor Christie’s yoga pants Picture Quote #1

I have nothing against the North Koreans but this Kim Jong Un has got a screw loose. A member of his cabinet, his security minister, nods off, falls sleep. We’ve all done it. Kim Jong Un takes the guy out and has him executed, just for just falling asleep. Oh, and he was also deflating footballs Picture Quote #1

Former President Bill Clinton is on the program tonight. He says that while his wife runs for president, he would like to stay out of the limelight. Well, he’s certainly come to the right place. He’ll be fine here Picture Quote #1

Bill Clinton may in fact be moving back into the White House. And coincidentally I’m thinking about moving back into my mother’s house Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

New York City subways are now getting high speed Internet. How about some high speed subway trains? (David Letterman Quotes) Here’s my problem. On Valentine’s Day the flowers are wilting and so am I (David Letterman Quotes) In pop culture news, Lady Gaga got married. And yes, she was wearing white meat (David Letterman Quotes) Donald Trump is on the show tonight. Donald is a big man, I think 230 pounds -- 235 with cologne (David Letterman Quotes) You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and Kim Jong Un had him executed. I remember the same thing happened when a guy used Martha Stewart’s personal lemon zester (David Letterman Quotes) A guy in Pennsylvania was arrested because he was drunk in his golf cart going from bar to bar. So they arrested him. I said: Wait a minute. Isn’t that golf? (David Letterman Quotes) Do you remember when you found out there was no Santa Claus? I was so upset I didn’t think I’d be able to do the show (David Letterman Quotes) Congratulations to Chelsea Clinton. Over the weekend, she gave birth to a baby girl. The baby girl will not confirm or deny whether she’s running in 2056 (David Letterman Quotes) President Bush says he now wants to simplify the tax code. Only those in the blue states will pay (David Letterman Quotes) Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew is coming. You drink it, you get a combination of type 1 and type 2 diabetes (David Letterman Quotes) Fifteen years ago tomorrow I had open heart surgery, a quintuple bypass surgery. Thanks to all of my doctors. Because of them, in 15 years of life I’ve been able to experience, well, acid reflux, short-term memory loss, and erectile dysfunction. Thanks for all your work. It’s great to be alive (David Letterman Quotes) There was a flight from Cleveland to New York City with just two people on board. There hasn’t been two people on an airplane since the Wright brothers (David Letterman Quotes) I’m so excited for my son. On Christmas morning I want to see his face, to be there when he opens the gifts. I want the see what my assistants got him for Christmas (David Letterman Quotes) You can now buy a pack of beer containing 99 cans. A 99-can pack of beer. Who says America has lost its competitive edge? (David Letterman Quotes) Security here in New York City is still very tight. Hookers in Times Square now are demanding two forms of fake ID (David Letterman Quotes) Meryl Streep is on the program tonight. I like to throw her a little work whenever I can (David Letterman Quotes) It turns out that President Obama has acid reflux. He had a sore throat, went to the hospital, and they diagnosed it as acid reflux. Talk about irony -- it’s not covered by Obamacare (David Letterman Quotes) I’ll be honest with you. It’s beginning to look like I’m not going to get ‘The Tonight Show.’ (David Letterman Quotes) Tomorrow is our final show. That is unless it rains, and then there will be a rain delay. We’ll probably make it up in a doubleheader around Labor Day (David Letterman Quotes) Bill Murray is on the show tonight. Next week I’ll be Goggling ‘foods that improve prostate health.’ (David Letterman Quotes) Unusual weather for New York City. Today it was 68 and foggy. No, wait a minute, that’s me. I’m sorry, that’s me (David Letterman Quotes) Holyfield won the fight. It’s not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy (David Letterman Quotes) Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential hopeful, boxed former heavyweight champion of the world Evander Holyfield for charity. It was a horrible moment when Romney bit off Holyfield’s other ear (David Letterman Quotes) The new ‘Mad Max’ movie takes place in a post-apocalyptic world. I have a small part in ‘Mad Max.’ I play the old geezer who remembers what steak tasted like (David Letterman Quotes) By accident Jeb Bush announced that he was running for president. And then he said, ‘No, not yet. OK, I made a mistake.’ And then later in the day, by accident, he called Hillary and congratulated her (David Letterman Quotes) George Clooney is on the program tonight. Next week at this time I will be in a hardware store watching them mix paint (David Letterman Quotes) Last night we had Bill Clinton, the former president. Security was as tight as Governor Christie’s yoga pants (David Letterman Quotes) I have nothing against the North Koreans but this Kim Jong Un has got a screw loose. A member of his cabinet, his security minister, nods off, falls sleep. We’ve all done it. Kim Jong Un takes the guy out and has him executed, just for just falling asleep. Oh, and he was also deflating footballs (David Letterman Quotes) Former President Bill Clinton is on the program tonight. He says that while his wife runs for president, he would like to stay out of the limelight. Well, he’s certainly come to the right place. He’ll be fine here (David Letterman Quotes) Bill Clinton may in fact be moving back into the White House. And coincidentally I’m thinking about moving back into my mother’s house (David Letterman Quotes)

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