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David Letterman Quotes
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Friendship Quotes
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Text Quotes
Don’t worry about me. I plan to continue to be in show business. I have already been booked to be in a production of ‘The Sunshine Boys’ with Jay Leno (David Letterman Quotes)
Welcome to the program. My name is Dave Letterman, and tonight I’m giving my two-week notice (David Letterman Quotes)
Happy Cinco de Mayo. In honor of Cinco de Mayo, mayor Bill de Blasio is filling all New York City potholes with guacamole (David Letterman Quotes)
Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She’s here to announce her run for president (David Letterman Quotes)
The issue of gay marriage has reached the Supreme Court and observers are analyzing every detail to predict how each justice will vote. Experts say Chief Justice John Roberts is likely to rule in favor of gay marriage based on the fact that he spent Tuesday’s hearings watching the Tony Award nominations (David Letterman Quotes)
Donald Trump is talking about running for president. He hasn’t made an announcement, but I want to tell you something. The fake suspense is killing me (David Letterman Quotes)
To save energy, New York City is now dimming the lights of the skyscrapers and the skyline at night. There’s a bad side to this. If you need Batman, you have to text him (David Letterman Quotes)
Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he is sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that (David Letterman Quotes)
Mayor de Blasio wants to eliminate garbage. He believes New York City produces way too much garbage. Well, heck, forget about producing too much garbage. What about late-night talk shows? (David Letterman Quotes)
They’re talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, ‘I’m available.’ (David Letterman Quotes)
Today is Earth Day. The way I see it, as humans the very least we can do is recycle. A lot of recycling is going on this year. For example, Bushes and Clintons (David Letterman Quotes)
The Hillary team is driving around in a van. Sometimes people get those gag bumper stickers put on their van. Hillary has one on her van, and it says, ‘If this van’s rockin’, I’m deleting emails.’ (David Letterman Quotes)
Hillary Clinton is now in Iowa. She’s spending every waking minute of her day meeting ordinary people, and it’s to prepare her for a job in which she will never again meet an ordinary person (David Letterman Quotes)
It’s tax season. When I woke this morning and realized it was tax season, I said, My God, didn’t we just pay taxes last year? (David Letterman Quotes)
Hillary Clinton is running for president. This time around, she promises to be warm and approachable. Like me (David Letterman Quotes)
Kids in Washington every year have the big Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. The kids found 300 Easter eggs. They also found about 10,000 missing Hillary emails (David Letterman Quotes)
Right after the show tonight, I’m going to the New York City car show. You get to see the models that will be crashed next year by drunken Secret Service agents (David Letterman Quotes)
President Obama and his wife are going to Kenya. Donald Trump said, ‘While you’re there, pick up your birth certificate.’ (David Letterman Quotes)
It was announced that President Obama and his wife, when they’re finished in Washington, are moving to New York City. The guy just can’t get enough gridlock (David Letterman Quotes)
Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid says he will not seek re-election. Harry said he wants to spend more time with his family. As I always say, check with your family (David Letterman Quotes)
Texas Senator Ted Cruz announced he is running for president. Ted Cruz was born in Canada, his father fled to the United States from Cuba, and yet Ted Cruz is against immigration. Isn’t that odd? (David Letterman Quotes)
Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential candidate, is going to fight Evander Holyfield for charity. I hope they save some of that money for funeral expenses (David Letterman Quotes)
Everybody was upset that Vladimir Putin was missing. He was in Switzerland with his girlfriend. She had a baby in Switzerland because in Russia childbirth is not covered by Putin-care (David Letterman Quotes)
St. Patrick’s Day is the fourth biggest drinking day in America. It’s not the biggest. It’s right behind New Year’s Eve, Fourth of July, or any Secret Service party (David Letterman Quotes)
Today Mitt Romney is 68 years old. It’s kind of sad, a 68-year-old guy with no job, no future - wait a minute, that’s me (David Letterman Quotes)
Scientists have discovered a black hole that is 12 billion times the size of our sun. It’s full of Hillary Clinton emails (David Letterman Quotes)
I always liked Mitt Romney. He looks like the salesman who follows you around at Brooks Brothers (David Letterman Quotes)
Today would have been the birthday of Osama bin Laden. It makes me remember when Seal Team 6 threw him a surprise party (David Letterman Quotes)
Now in Utah if you get the death sentence, they have the firing squad. In Russia, they call that early retirement (David Letterman Quotes)
Yesterday was not only daylight saving time, but also International Women’s Day. What better way to address the issue of inequality for women than giving them a day that’s missing an hour (David Letterman Quotes)