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David Letterman Quotes
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Friendship Quotes
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Text Quotes
The FCC has delayed the decision on the Time/Warner Comcast merger. So how do you think those folks like being put on hold? (David Letterman Quotes)
Kim Jong Un shaved his eyebrows and got his hair sticking right up. How would you like the leader of your country looking like Lady Gaga? Even Dennis Rodman told him he looks weird (David Letterman Quotes)
The Academy Awards are passed out on Sunday. It’s voted by members of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences. Or as I call them, 50 shades of white (David Letterman Quotes)
Sunday is the Academy Awards. Every time an actor says, ‘I didn’t expect this,’ Ruth Bader Ginsburg will do a shot (David Letterman Quotes)
Do you know who is ready to go with the presidential campaign? Jeb Bush. Jeb already has plans to end the war in Iraq that his brother started. All he needs is a hot tub time machine (David Letterman Quotes)
One of the dogs in the competition, a Portuguese Water Dog, is related to President Obama’s dog, Bo. But they only see each other at funerals and weddings (David Letterman Quotes)
Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush has released all of his emails. I’d like to release all of my emails. I’ve got nothing but emails about low-cost funerals and Viagra (David Letterman Quotes)
Mitt Romney is not going to be running for president. So you know what that means. We are getting closer and closer to ‘President Trump.’ (David Letterman Quotes)
I like Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy who comes with the picture frame (David Letterman Quotes)
Mitt Romney is not going to run for president. Mitt said it’s time for fresh faces. So that’s good news for Bruce Jenner (David Letterman Quotes)
In the last 48 hours King Abdullah from Saudi Arabia passed away. I have a moral dilemma. The king passed away three or four days ago. Is it too soon to hit on Queen Latifah? (David Letterman Quotes)
Mitt Romney is running for president again. That will be attempt No. 3. Well, everybody needs a hobby. He’s almost certainly running, and I’m almost certainly retiring, so I don’t care (David Letterman Quotes)
Paul Ryan announced that after a lot of thought, and talking it over with family and friends, that he is not going to run for president in 2016. I’m telling you, this announcement sent shock waves through no one (David Letterman Quotes)
Congratulations to Ohio State, your new college football champions. Coach Urban Meyer may be the greatest football coach of all time. Don’t confuse him with New York Mayor Bill de Blasio. That’s urban quagmire (David Letterman Quotes)
Happy birthday to evil North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. He gathered family and friends together and celebrated by executing a few close friends (David Letterman Quotes)
Here in New York City, it’s cold. It’s so cold the Republicans want to use the Keystone Pipeline to deliver soup (David Letterman Quotes)
Today was opening day for the new Congress in Washington. And Vice President Joe Biden swore in the new batch of White House fence jumpers (David Letterman Quotes)
Kim Jong Un’s sister got married. That sounds like another Seth Rogen movie, doesn’t it? (David Letterman Quotes)
The Russian economy is tanking. It’s gotten so bad that today Vladimir Putin had to pawn his stolen Super Bowl ring. And Putin will finance his next invasion on Kickstarter (David Letterman Quotes)
Economists believe there are three reasons why the Russian economy is doing so poorly. One, economic sanctions are working. Number two, low-price oil. And number three, Lindsay Lohan has quit drinking vodka (David Letterman Quotes)
Those North Korean hackers are at it again. Earlier today they leaked Santa’s naughty list (David Letterman Quotes)
Guess who’s running for president? Jeb Bush. Jeb was governor of Florida and he speaks fluent Spanish, which raises the question: What language did his brother speak? What was that? (David Letterman Quotes)
The new CIA torture report is 6 million pages long. It’s almost as long as a George Clooney pre-nup (David Letterman Quotes)
Prince William and Kate Middleton are in New York City. We have got to do something about immigration (David Letterman Quotes)
The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade has new balloons this year including the Pillsbury Doughboy balloon and the first openly gay balloon. Also the Thomas Tank Engine balloon, and they even have the Ebola nurse balloon (David Letterman Quotes)
We thought New York City was home to 8 million rats. Turns out, that’s a little high. The actual number is 2 million rats. That explains the light turnout for the midterm elections (David Letterman Quotes)
Once you’re president, you can’t go anywhere without causing trouble. President Obama shows up in China, he’s chewing gum, they go crazy. A big stink because the president’s chewing gum. And you think, the Chinese are so easygoing about human rights. What’s the problem? (David Letterman Quotes)
Child labor, not a problem. Censorship, not a problem. Torture, not a problem. Chewing gum in China - oh, my God! You better not be over here chewing gum (David Letterman Quotes)
Here in New York City you can now walk around smoking weed and all they will do if they see you is write you a ticket. Unfortunately, the ticket will be to a Jets game (David Letterman Quotes)
President Obama is in China. Also in China is evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin. They’re both in China at the same time. It’s like running into your ex-girlfriend on vacation (David Letterman Quotes)