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David Letterman Quotes
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Friendship Quotes
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Text Quotes
President Obama is in China. Today he visited the kids who make our cellphones (David Letterman Quotes)
The Democrats were crushed in the midterm elections. The Republican juggernaut pounded the Democrats, and the pundits say they will not really know what happened to the Democrats until they find the black box (David Letterman Quotes)
Here’s the plot of ‘Interstellar.’ Refugees - they’re known as Democrats - they’re looking for a new planet (David Letterman Quotes)
President Obama has two years left as president. I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets to appoint two new Kardashian husbands (David Letterman Quotes)
Yesterday was Election Day. If we have any Democrats in the audience, I’m sorry but you’re going to have to give up your seats (David Letterman Quotes)
A lot of issues were on the ballots. In New York City there was Proposition 14. That would put a ceiling on the number of late-night talk shows. And California passed Proposition 21. That would change guacamole officially to guac (David Letterman Quotes)
Tomorrow is Election Day. It’s what they call the midterm elections, and you can cut the indifference with a knife. It’s the day Americans leave work early and pretend to vote (David Letterman Quotes)
Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He didn’t win. But next year, he’ll be competing in ‘Dancing with the Stars.’ (David Letterman Quotes)
The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash (David Letterman Quotes)
Have you seen the Olympic uniforms? It’s for the American Olympic team and it’s berets. To me, nothing says America like a guy in a beret. Look at our founding fathers, they all wore berets (David Letterman Quotes)
Moammar Gadhafi was found hiding in a storm sewer with a gold-plated gun. That’s me in retirement, ladies and gentlemen (David Letterman Quotes)
So the guy who shot Gadhafi was wearing a Yankees cap. Did you see that? If he’d had a Boston Red Sox hat on he probably would have missed (David Letterman Quotes)
I don’t know what they are protesting at Occupy Wall Street but I’m on their side. But 10,000 protestors and one Porta Potty? (David Letterman Quotes)
Rick Perry is now saying he thinks that Barack Obama’s birth certificate is fake. I think Perry may have faked his driver’s license (David Letterman Quotes)
So they caught Gadhafi in a storm sewer and shot him. Or as they call it in the Middle East, an orderly transfer of power (David Letterman Quotes)
Bronco Rick Perry is the first candidate I’ve ever heard say he’s not doing well because he’s sleepy. You know, we criticized George W. Bush a lot, but there was one thing he was very disciplined about, and that was getting his full eight years of sleep (David Letterman Quotes)
Critics of the Wall Street protesters claim that they have old ideas, nothing new, and they’re never going to work. Wait a minute., that sounds like this show (David Letterman Quotes)
You know who’s also joining the Wall Street protesters? Kanye West. That’s a real good idea -- a guy with diamonds in his teeth protesting greed (David Letterman Quotes)
Arnold Schwarzenegger is now governor of California. He is a very shrewd man - he already has all of his sex scandals behind him (David Letterman Quotes)
How many people saw Arnold’s speech last night? I haven’t seen that many Kennedys in one place since their last trial (David Letterman Quotes)
Are you excited about the recall election? Arnold’s campaign has a new slogan: ‘Win one for the groper.’ (David Letterman Quotes)
I heard doctors revived a man who had been dead for 4-1/2 minutes. When they asked him what it was like being dead, he said it was like listening to Yankees announcer Phil Rizzuto during a rain delay (David Letterman Quotes)
Privately I think that I’m not really somebody who has a network television show. Celebrities are other people - Johnny Carson and Sylvester Stallone. I’m just a kid trying to make a living is the way I feel (David Letterman Quotes)
About half an hour before air time - that’s when I become hyper. I put everything else out of my mind and just let that nervous energy surge through my body. I start talking faster and louder. My confidence comes up. It’s actually a great feeling (David Letterman Quotes)
I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American (David Letterman Quotes)
John Kerry had surgery on his right shoulder this week to repair some damage. It was pretty bad, he had no feeling. It was almost like he was a Republican (David Letterman Quotes)
It looks like President Bush will be handing over power to the Iraqis by June 30th. That’s amazing and not only that, but it looks like he’ll be handing over power to the Democrats by November 2nd (David Letterman Quotes)
Are you getting a big kick out of the Enron scandal? I find this interesting that whenever a big crisis starts, people start showing up in church. So, Ken Lay shows up in church this weekend. Church officials are still looking for the collection plates (David Letterman Quotes)
John Kerry went duck hunting and he’s doing that to fulfill his campaign pledge to hunt down the ducks and kill them wherever they are! Kerry did pretty well; he came back with four ducks and three Purple Hearts (David Letterman Quotes)
John Kerry says the ‘W’ in George W. Bush stands for ‘Wrong.’ But he still can’t explain what John Kerry stands for (David Letterman Quotes)