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David Letterman Quotes

Have you folks been following the controversy with John Kerry and his service in Vietnam and the Swift Boat campaign? It all took place in Vietnam and now it just won’t go away. I was thinking about this - if John Kerry had just ducked the war like everybody else he wouldn’t have this trouble Picture Quote #1

John Kerry told Tom Ridge he was too busy to receive a Homeland Security briefing. I thought that was odd, since you’re not supposed to ignore terrorist threats until after you become president Picture Quote #1

John Kerry says that foreign leaders want him to be president, but that he can’t name the foreign leaders. That’s all right, President Bush can’t name them either Picture Quote #1

Newt Gingrich had a horrible week in the Iowa caucuses. Only 13 percent of his ex-wives voted for him Picture Quote #1

Mitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals Picture Quote #1

The first presidential debate was down in Florida. Residents spent all day putting plywood on their televisions Picture Quote #1

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Probably the most fun I’ve ever had, actually, acting. Because it was the perfect extension of the stuff that I’d started to do on Late Night With David Letterman, and when I look back on all my work, it was probably the best possible incarnation of Chris Elliott, of me Picture Quote #1

I gotta tell you, I do not envy whoever they try to put in David Letterman’s chair. Folks those are some huge shoes to fill, and some really big pants Picture Quote #1

Did you folks see President Bush’s State of the Union Address? How about that surprise announcement? Howard Dean has been captured and he’s in the hands of interrogators Picture Quote #1

Did you see Howard Dean ranting and raving? Here’s a little tip Howard - cut back on the Red Bull Picture Quote #1

Howard Dean was endorsed by former Vice President Al Gore and now he is getting advice from Al Gore. And I’m thinking, who better to give advice than the guy who couldn’t even get elected with the most votes? Picture Quote #1

Al Gore has endorsed Howard Dean for president. That’s pretty fitting, the guy that didn’t beat Bush endorsing the guy who won’t beat Bush Picture Quote #1

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Presidential candidate Howard Dean is now being attacked for dodging the draft. I never knew this about the guy - but now I know this guy is presidential material Picture Quote #1

In a recent interview, Howard Dean admitted that he used to drink and smoke pot. So, now all he needs to put him over the top is a sex scandal Picture Quote #1

The latest polls show that Arnold Schwarzenegger is trailing Lieutenant Governor Cruz Bustamante in the polls. That’s insane. I mean, think about it, this guy Cruz Bustamante has never even been in a movie Picture Quote #1

There’s already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans Picture Quote #1

The president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the Gulf. And I’m thinking, good luck. They can’t even clean up their gas station restrooms Picture Quote #1

How about that oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico. And you know, the oil slick is going everywhere. So the next time somebody lands on the Hudson, it won’t be that big a deal Picture Quote #1

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The oil spill is getting bad. There is so much oil and tar now in the Gulf of Mexico, Cubans can now walk to Miami Picture Quote #1

Have you been following the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Or as we call it now, the Dead Sea Picture Quote #1

Bad news, it’s going to be a huge environmental disaster, the oil rig down there in the Gulf of Mexico. The good news is they think now that the oil spill will be diluted by the melting ice caps Picture Quote #1

Osama bin Laden has ten look-alikes to fool us Americans. Ten look-alikes, and he’s married to five of them Picture Quote #1

We’re learning more about Osama bin Laden. His father was married 16 times, and he has five wives. I think we’re getting to the root of his intense anger. And they say bin Laden never spends the night in the same place twice. No, wait a minute, that’s Clinton Picture Quote #1

Now there are reports that Osama bin Laden would like to commit suicide on television. This is the kind of lead-in I have been praying for every since I came to CBS. Bin Laden is planning a televised suicide or, as I call it, hosting the Academy Awards Picture Quote #1

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Public service announcement: In case of a terrorist attack, bottled water and duct tape are not going to do a damn thing. So do what Homeland Security Dir. Tom Ridge does: Get really drunk, and pick up a hooker Picture Quote #1

I just heard George W. Bush’s new plan for airline security. From here on out, every plane will now have its own hockey dad Picture Quote #1

Did you hear about this genius that got on a plane and set fire to his feet? Turns out he had bombs in his shoes and the problem all started when the flight attendants asked him nicely to extinguish his feet. He was wearing exploding sneakers. The new Nike Air-Jihads! Picture Quote #1

When Martha gets out she’ll be under house arrest in her big $40 million mansion in Bedford. Boy, that’ll teach her. She’s only allowed out of the house for doctors visits, grocery shopping, or to dump more stock Picture Quote #1

But down in Florida in the early voting, there were computer glitches, confusing ballots, long lines and chaos. And when President Bush heard about this, he said, ‘Mission accomplished!’ Picture Quote #1

Political pundits are saying President George W. Bush has made gains in two key states: dazed and confused Picture Quote #1

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Have you folks been following the controversy with John Kerry and his service in Vietnam and the Swift Boat campaign? It all took place in Vietnam and now it just won’t go away. I was thinking about this - if John Kerry had just ducked the war like everybody else he wouldn’t have this trouble (David Letterman Quotes) John Kerry told Tom Ridge he was too busy to receive a Homeland Security briefing. I thought that was odd, since you’re not supposed to ignore terrorist threats until after you become president (David Letterman Quotes) John Kerry says that foreign leaders want him to be president, but that he can’t name the foreign leaders. That’s all right, President Bush can’t name them either (David Letterman Quotes) Newt Gingrich had a horrible week in the Iowa caucuses. Only 13 percent of his ex-wives voted for him (David Letterman Quotes) Mitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals (David Letterman Quotes) The first presidential debate was down in Florida. Residents spent all day putting plywood on their televisions (David Letterman Quotes) Probably the most fun I’ve ever had, actually, acting. Because it was the perfect extension of the stuff that I’d started to do on Late Night With David Letterman, and when I look back on all my work, it was probably the best possible incarnation of Chris Elliott, of me (David Letterman Quotes) I gotta tell you, I do not envy whoever they try to put in David Letterman’s chair. Folks those are some huge shoes to fill, and some really big pants (David Letterman Quotes) Did you folks see President Bush’s State of the Union Address? How about that surprise announcement? Howard Dean has been captured and he’s in the hands of interrogators (David Letterman Quotes) Did you see Howard Dean ranting and raving? Here’s a little tip Howard - cut back on the Red Bull (David Letterman Quotes) Howard Dean was endorsed by former Vice President Al Gore and now he is getting advice from Al Gore. And I’m thinking, who better to give advice than the guy who couldn’t even get elected with the most votes? (David Letterman Quotes) Al Gore has endorsed Howard Dean for president. That’s pretty fitting, the guy that didn’t beat Bush endorsing the guy who won’t beat Bush (David Letterman Quotes) Presidential candidate Howard Dean is now being attacked for dodging the draft. I never knew this about the guy - but now I know this guy is presidential material (David Letterman Quotes) In a recent interview, Howard Dean admitted that he used to drink and smoke pot. So, now all he needs to put him over the top is a sex scandal (David Letterman Quotes) The latest polls show that Arnold Schwarzenegger is trailing Lieutenant Governor Cruz Bustamante in the polls. That’s insane. I mean, think about it, this guy Cruz Bustamante has never even been in a movie (David Letterman Quotes) There’s already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans (David Letterman Quotes) The president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the Gulf. And I’m thinking, good luck. They can’t even clean up their gas station restrooms (David Letterman Quotes) How about that oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico. And you know, the oil slick is going everywhere. So the next time somebody lands on the Hudson, it won’t be that big a deal (David Letterman Quotes) The oil spill is getting bad. There is so much oil and tar now in the Gulf of Mexico, Cubans can now walk to Miami (David Letterman Quotes) Have you been following the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Or as we call it now, the Dead Sea (David Letterman Quotes) Bad news, it’s going to be a huge environmental disaster, the oil rig down there in the Gulf of Mexico. The good news is they think now that the oil spill will be diluted by the melting ice caps (David Letterman Quotes) Osama bin Laden has ten look-alikes to fool us Americans. Ten look-alikes, and he’s married to five of them (David Letterman Quotes) We’re learning more about Osama bin Laden. His father was married 16 times, and he has five wives. I think we’re getting to the root of his intense anger. And they say bin Laden never spends the night in the same place twice. No, wait a minute, that’s Clinton (David Letterman Quotes) Now there are reports that Osama bin Laden would like to commit suicide on television. This is the kind of lead-in I have been praying for every since I came to CBS. Bin Laden is planning a televised suicide or, as I call it, hosting the Academy Awards (David Letterman Quotes) Public service announcement: In case of a terrorist attack, bottled water and duct tape are not going to do a damn thing. So do what Homeland Security Dir. Tom Ridge does: Get really drunk, and pick up a hooker (David Letterman Quotes) I just heard George W. Bush’s new plan for airline security. From here on out, every plane will now have its own hockey dad (David Letterman Quotes) Did you hear about this genius that got on a plane and set fire to his feet? Turns out he had bombs in his shoes and the problem all started when the flight attendants asked him nicely to extinguish his feet. He was wearing exploding sneakers. The new Nike Air-Jihads! (David Letterman Quotes) When Martha gets out she’ll be under house arrest in her big $40 million mansion in Bedford. Boy, that’ll teach her. She’s only allowed out of the house for doctors visits, grocery shopping, or to dump more stock (David Letterman Quotes) But down in Florida in the early voting, there were computer glitches, confusing ballots, long lines and chaos. And when President Bush heard about this, he said, ‘Mission accomplished!’ (David Letterman Quotes) Political pundits are saying President George W. Bush has made gains in two key states: dazed and confused (David Letterman Quotes)

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