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David Sedaris Quotes

There is still the outside world to contend with. A world of backfiring cars, and their human equivalents Picture Quote #1

It’s odd the things that people remember. Parents will arrange a birthday party, certain it will stick in your mind forever. You’ll have a nice time, then two years later you’ll be like, ‘There was a pony there? Really? And a clown with one leg?’ Picture Quote #1

After a few months in my parents’ basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations Picture Quote #1

I love ‘Glee.’ I cry all the time when I watch ‘Glee’ because I don’t know if it’s satire or melodrama and that makes me feel like the writing is aware of itself, and that makes it okay to cry Picture Quote #1

People ask if I miss it, but they don’t understand that American culture is so ubiquitous that there’s nothing to miss. I don’t see myself moving back. It’s not that I hate the United States. I just always thought it would be a shame not to live in a foreign country Picture Quote #1

They were nothing like the French people I had imagined. If anything, they were too kind, too generous and too knowledgable in the fields of plumbing and electricity Picture Quote #1

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In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York they tried to work things out for the sake of the apartment Picture Quote #1

At first, writing for The New Yorker was very scary to me. I couldn’t imagine anything that I would write in that typeface Picture Quote #1

Do I exaggerate? Boy, do I, and I’d do it more if I could get away with it Picture Quote #1

On a busy day twenty-two thousand people come to visit Santa, and I was told that it is an elf’s lot to remain merry in the face of torment and adversity. I promised to keep that in mind Picture Quote #1

Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit? Picture Quote #1

Perhaps the little Negro girl was holding a concealed razor blade. Maybe she was one of the troublemakers out for a fresh white scalp Picture Quote #1

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I hate you’ she said to me one afternoon. ‘I really, really hate you.’ Call me sensitive, but I couldn’t help but take it personally Picture Quote #1

Snowball just leads elves on, elves and Santas. He is playing a dangerous game Picture Quote #1

Like any normal fifth grader, I preferred my villains to be evil and stay that way, to act like Dracula rather than Frankenstein’s monster, who ruined everything by handing that peasant girl a flower. He sort of made up for it by drowning her a few minutes later, but, still, you couldn’t look at him the same way again Picture Quote #1

Standing in a two-hour line makes people worry that they’re not living in a democratic nation. People stand in line for two houres and they go over the edge Picture Quote #1

In the beginning, I was put off by the harshness of German. Someone would order a piece of cake, and it sounded as if it were an actual order, like, ‘Cut the cake and lie facedown in that ditch between the cobbler and the little girl’ Picture Quote #1

Kools and Newports were for black people and lower-class whites. Camels were for procrastinators, those who wrote bad poetry, and those who put off writing bad poetry. Merits were for sex addicts, Salems were for alcoholics, and Mores were for people who considered themselves to be outrageous but really weren’t Picture Quote #1

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The interesting thing about gay people is that you can’t really put on a wedding without them. They’re the ones who make your dress, and do the flowers and the catering. They’ve toiled in the wedding industry all these years but were never allowed to do it themselves Picture Quote #1

The walking tour guides one through the city’s various landmarks, reciting bits of information the listener might find enlightening. I learned, for example, that in the late 1500s my little neighborhood square was a popular spot for burning people alive. Now lined with a row of small shops, the tradition continues, though in a figurative rather than literal sense Picture Quote #1

People ask me, ‘Have you ever considered doing stand-up?’ To me it would be less offensive if someone asked me, ‘Have you ever considered dental implants?’ Picture Quote #1

I hated leaving a hole in the smoking world, and so I recruited someone to take my place. People have given me a lot of grief, but I’m pretty sure that after high school, this girl would have started anyway, especially if she chose the army over community college Picture Quote #1

I’ve maintained old friendships, like with people I knew in the nineteen-seventies, but have lost the knack for meeting new people. This has a lot to do with my writing schedule. I don’t want to be disturbed, and the willingness to be disturbed is, I think, part of being a good friend Picture Quote #1

I’ve never made up events, but I’ve always been a big exaggerator. It’s written on my humorist license that I’m allowed to do that Picture Quote #1

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Every so often my life will feel like a story. It doesn’t have to be a big thing; in fact, most often, it’s just the opposite Picture Quote #1

This left me alone to solve the coffee problem - a sort of catch-22, as in order to think straight I need caffeine, and in order to make that happen I need to think straight Picture Quote #1

It’s hard to love a place that’s outlawed smoking but finds it perfectly acceptable to serve raw fish in a bath of chocolate Picture Quote #1

If I’m stuck, I get up from my chair and I wash windows. Or... clean the bathroom. Or vacuum the attic. There’s always something to be done Picture Quote #1

I like high school and college writing textbooks and find them very helpful. Whenever I’m stuck and seem to have no ideas, I open one up and turn to the back. There I’ll find questions like, Have you had any experiences with an alcoholic or a sailor? Picture Quote #1

The word phobic has its place when properly used, but lately it’s been declawed by the pompous insistence that most animosity is based upon fear rather than loathing.... I hate computers. My hatred is entrenched, and I nourish it daily. I’m comfortable with it, and no community outreach program will change my mind Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

There is still the outside world to contend with. A world of backfiring cars, and their human equivalents (David Sedaris Quotes) It’s odd the things that people remember. Parents will arrange a birthday party, certain it will stick in your mind forever. You’ll have a nice time, then two years later you’ll be like, ‘There was a pony there? Really? And a clown with one leg?’ (David Sedaris Quotes) After a few months in my parents’ basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations (David Sedaris Quotes) I love ‘Glee.’ I cry all the time when I watch ‘Glee’ because I don’t know if it’s satire or melodrama and that makes me feel like the writing is aware of itself, and that makes it okay to cry (David Sedaris Quotes) People ask if I miss it, but they don’t understand that American culture is so ubiquitous that there’s nothing to miss. I don’t see myself moving back. It’s not that I hate the United States. I just always thought it would be a shame not to live in a foreign country (David Sedaris Quotes) They were nothing like the French people I had imagined. If anything, they were too kind, too generous and too knowledgable in the fields of plumbing and electricity (David Sedaris Quotes) In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York they tried to work things out for the sake of the apartment (David Sedaris Quotes) At first, writing for The New Yorker was very scary to me. I couldn’t imagine anything that I would write in that typeface (David Sedaris Quotes) Do I exaggerate? Boy, do I, and I’d do it more if I could get away with it (David Sedaris Quotes) On a busy day twenty-two thousand people come to visit Santa, and I was told that it is an elf’s lot to remain merry in the face of torment and adversity. I promised to keep that in mind (David Sedaris Quotes) Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit? (David Sedaris Quotes) Perhaps the little Negro girl was holding a concealed razor blade. Maybe she was one of the troublemakers out for a fresh white scalp (David Sedaris Quotes) I hate you’ she said to me one afternoon. ‘I really, really hate you.’ Call me sensitive, but I couldn’t help but take it personally (David Sedaris Quotes) Snowball just leads elves on, elves and Santas. He is playing a dangerous game (David Sedaris Quotes) Like any normal fifth grader, I preferred my villains to be evil and stay that way, to act like Dracula rather than Frankenstein’s monster, who ruined everything by handing that peasant girl a flower. He sort of made up for it by drowning her a few minutes later, but, still, you couldn’t look at him the same way again (David Sedaris Quotes) Standing in a two-hour line makes people worry that they’re not living in a democratic nation. People stand in line for two houres and they go over the edge (David Sedaris Quotes) In the beginning, I was put off by the harshness of German. Someone would order a piece of cake, and it sounded as if it were an actual order, like, ‘Cut the cake and lie facedown in that ditch between the cobbler and the little girl’ (David Sedaris Quotes) Kools and Newports were for black people and lower-class whites. Camels were for procrastinators, those who wrote bad poetry, and those who put off writing bad poetry. Merits were for sex addicts, Salems were for alcoholics, and Mores were for people who considered themselves to be outrageous but really weren’t (David Sedaris Quotes) The interesting thing about gay people is that you can’t really put on a wedding without them. They’re the ones who make your dress, and do the flowers and the catering. They’ve toiled in the wedding industry all these years but were never allowed to do it themselves (David Sedaris Quotes) The walking tour guides one through the city’s various landmarks, reciting bits of information the listener might find enlightening. I learned, for example, that in the late 1500s my little neighborhood square was a popular spot for burning people alive. Now lined with a row of small shops, the tradition continues, though in a figurative rather than literal sense (David Sedaris Quotes) People ask me, ‘Have you ever considered doing stand-up?’ To me it would be less offensive if someone asked me, ‘Have you ever considered dental implants?’ (David Sedaris Quotes) I hated leaving a hole in the smoking world, and so I recruited someone to take my place. People have given me a lot of grief, but I’m pretty sure that after high school, this girl would have started anyway, especially if she chose the army over community college. (David Sedaris Quotes) I’ve maintained old friendships, like with people I knew in the nineteen-seventies, but have lost the knack for meeting new people. This has a lot to do with my writing schedule. I don’t want to be disturbed, and the willingness to be disturbed is, I think, part of being a good friend. (David Sedaris Quotes) I’ve never made up events, but I’ve always been a big exaggerator. It’s written on my humorist license that I’m allowed to do that. (David Sedaris Quotes) Every so often my life will feel like a story. It doesn’t have to be a big thing; in fact, most often, it’s just the opposite. (David Sedaris Quotes) This left me alone to solve the coffee problem - a sort of catch-22, as in order to think straight I need caffeine, and in order to make that happen I need to think straight. (David Sedaris Quotes) It’s hard to love a place that’s outlawed smoking but finds it perfectly acceptable to serve raw fish in a bath of chocolate. (David Sedaris Quotes) If I’m stuck, I get up from my chair and I wash windows. Or... clean the bathroom. Or vacuum the attic. There’s always something to be done. (David Sedaris Quotes) I like high school and college writing textbooks and find them very helpful. Whenever I’m stuck and seem to have no ideas, I open one up and turn to the back. There I’ll find questions like, Have you had any experiences with an alcoholic or a sailor? (David Sedaris Quotes) The word phobic has its place when properly used, but lately it’s been declawed by the pompous insistence that most animosity is based upon fear rather than loathing.... I hate computers. My hatred is entrenched, and I nourish it daily. I’m comfortable with it, and no community outreach program will change my mind. (David Sedaris Quotes)

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