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Demetri Martin Quotes

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades Picture Quote #1

I’m always excited to try something I haven’t done Picture Quote #1

I never set out to do a sketch show Picture Quote #1

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron Picture Quote #1

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies Picture Quote #1

Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal Picture Quote #1

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How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray Picture Quote #1

My policy is no stone throwing regardless of housing situation Picture Quote #1

I think they named the orange before the carrot Picture Quote #1

If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find Picture Quote #1

To me, comedy is a game Picture Quote #1

A power nap, is when you sleep on someone who’s weaker than you Picture Quote #1

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Clowns have no respect for pie Picture Quote #1

Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee Picture Quote #1

But what I was going to say was, I just figured I’m going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me Picture Quote #1

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’ Picture Quote #1

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said ‘Happy Birthday’ on it. I didn’t want to waste it so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it Picture Quote #1

Stand-up is like a row boat: it’s fun and romantic when you’re choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it’s not as enjoyable; that’s survival Picture Quote #1

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The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who’s really funny for a cartoonist, obviously Picture Quote #1

I am a comedian but it’s usually not a compliment to be called a prop comedian but I guess I sometimes use props. And I always confuse humorist with comedian. That’s strange Picture Quote #1

Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there’s something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two Picture Quote #1

My original goal was just to do stand-up but then I became interested in films - writing a film, shooting one someday, and getting to act in them Picture Quote #1

For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I’d come home and go to church and everybody would say, ‘Oh, my God. Demetri, you’re working at the White House.’ Picture Quote #1

I like to use ‘I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter’ on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable Picture Quote #1

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I like women, but you can’t always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog’s name and then I asked, ‘Does he bite?’ And she said, ‘No.’ And I said, ‘So how does he eat?’ Liar! Picture Quote #1

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, ‘Looks like you’re writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you’ll get more money.’ Picture Quote #1

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: ‘Hope I don’t get chased today.’ ‘Be nice to people in sneakers.’ Picture Quote #1

A lot of people don’t like bumper stickers. I don’t mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It’s like a little sign that says ‘Hey, let’s never hang out.’ Picture Quote #1

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you’d be like, ‘huh? What the hell is this?’ But if it’s in a fruit basket you’re like, ‘this is nice!’ Picture Quote #1

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. ‘Hey, man, what are you playing?’ ‘Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I’m performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!’ Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades (Demetri Martin Quotes) I’m always excited to try something I haven’t done (Demetri Martin Quotes) I never set out to do a sketch show (Demetri Martin Quotes) Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron (Demetri Martin Quotes) Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies (Demetri Martin Quotes) Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal (Demetri Martin Quotes) How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray (Demetri Martin Quotes) My policy is no stone throwing regardless of housing situation (Demetri Martin Quotes) I think they named the orange before the carrot (Demetri Martin Quotes) If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find (Demetri Martin Quotes) To me, comedy is a game (Demetri Martin Quotes) A power nap, is when you sleep on someone who’s weaker than you (Demetri Martin Quotes) Clowns have no respect for pie (Demetri Martin Quotes) Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee (Demetri Martin Quotes) But what I was going to say was, I just figured I’m going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me (Demetri Martin Quotes) I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’ (Demetri Martin Quotes) I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said ‘Happy Birthday’ on it. I didn’t want to waste it so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it (Demetri Martin Quotes) Stand-up is like a row boat: it’s fun and romantic when you’re choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it’s not as enjoyable; that’s survival (Demetri Martin Quotes) The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who’s really funny for a cartoonist, obviously (Demetri Martin Quotes) I am a comedian but it’s usually not a compliment to be called a prop comedian but I guess I sometimes use props. And I always confuse humorist with comedian. That’s strange (Demetri Martin Quotes) Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there’s something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two (Demetri Martin Quotes) My original goal was just to do stand-up but then I became interested in films - writing a film, shooting one someday, and getting to act in them (Demetri Martin Quotes) For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I’d come home and go to church and everybody would say, ‘Oh, my God. Demetri, you’re working at the White House.’ (Demetri Martin Quotes) I like to use ‘I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter’ on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable (Demetri Martin Quotes) I like women, but you can’t always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog’s name and then I asked, ‘Does he bite?’ And she said, ‘No.’ And I said, ‘So how does he eat?’ Liar! (Demetri Martin Quotes) I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, ‘Looks like you’re writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you’ll get more money.’ (Demetri Martin Quotes) I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: ‘Hope I don’t get chased today.’ ‘Be nice to people in sneakers.’ (Demetri Martin Quotes) A lot of people don’t like bumper stickers. I don’t mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It’s like a little sign that says ‘Hey, let’s never hang out.’ (Demetri Martin Quotes) I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you’d be like, ‘huh? What the hell is this?’ But if it’s in a fruit basket you’re like, ‘this is nice!’ (Demetri Martin Quotes) I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. ‘Hey, man, what are you playing?’ ‘Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I’m performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!’ (Demetri Martin Quotes)

1 2 3 4 5 6 - 8