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Demetri Martin Quotes

I love women, but I feel like you can’t trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog’s name. Then I said, ‘Does he bite?’ She said, ‘No.’ And I said, ‘Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?’ Liar Picture Quote #1

I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that’s to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn’t know if someone was stuttering. ‘Yes, hello I’d like some b-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries!’ and D-batteries that’s hard for foreigners. ‘Yes, I would like de batteries.’ Picture Quote #1

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ I said, ‘I am.’ Picture Quote #1

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, ‘Actual’. I’m not to scale Picture Quote #1

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word ‘dude.’ ‘Dude, these are isotopes.’ ‘Dude, we removed your kidney. You’re gonna be fine.’ ‘Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.’ Picture Quote #1

People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they’re very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they’re kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy Picture Quote #1

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Saying, ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying, ‘ I apologize.’ Except at a funeral Picture Quote #1

There’s a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, ‘Futon World.’ Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time Picture Quote #1

Whenever I’m on my computer, I don’t type ‘lol’. I type ‘lqtm’ - laugh quietly to myself. It’s more honest Picture Quote #1

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline Picture Quote #1

But long story short, I didn’t start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up Picture Quote #1

I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital Picture Quote #1

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THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait Picture Quote #1

Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher Picture Quote #1

I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman’s voice said, ‘What the hell are you doing with your life?’ Picture Quote #1

I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, ‘Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.’ The paper I used said, ‘Happy Birthday.’ I didn’t want to waste it, so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it Picture Quote #1

Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you’re vegan, you’re annoying Picture Quote #1

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either Picture Quote #1

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I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn’t ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, ‘Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It’s better when there’s a space between them.’ And that’s coming from a Greek guy Picture Quote #1

Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die Picture Quote #1

I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks. By the fourth week, I found it tedious. I got bored and grew restless. I had no other plan for a job, because from seventh grade on, I had planned on law. So I shifted my focus from classes to extracurricular activities Picture Quote #1

I love Buster Keaton and I love physical comedy when it’s done in an emotionally understated way. I just like to play it, and I need the attention Picture Quote #1

I just listen to so much music that I like the role music can play in scoring something. I’m not doing song parodies or funny songs, I’m just adding some music to my words. So it’s limited and specific, but as a performer I find it pretty enjoyable Picture Quote #1

I think a lot of people who watch TV don’t realize when they’re watch TV shows and it says ‘produced by’ and producer, producer... there are all these producers. What the hell does a producer do? It’s funny how much you have to worry about as a producer Picture Quote #1

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Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... ..DJ Abraham Lincoln Picture Quote #1

Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio Picture Quote #1

You never forget your first kiss. And that’s what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle Picture Quote #1

When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What’s it doing? It’s eating ants. DONE! Picture Quote #1

A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual Picture Quote #1

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. ‘Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you’re stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. ‘Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.’ Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

I love women, but I feel like you can’t trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog’s name. Then I said, ‘Does he bite?’ She said, ‘No.’ And I said, ‘Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?’ Liar (Demetri Martin Quotes) I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that’s to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn’t know if someone was stuttering. ‘Yes, hello I’d like some b-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries!’ and D-batteries that’s hard for foreigners. ‘Yes, I would like de batteries.’ (Demetri Martin Quotes) I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ I said, ‘I am.’ (Demetri Martin Quotes) I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, ‘Actual’. I’m not to scale (Demetri Martin Quotes) I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word ‘dude.’ ‘Dude, these are isotopes.’ ‘Dude, we removed your kidney. You’re gonna be fine.’ ‘Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.’ (Demetri Martin Quotes) People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they’re very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they’re kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy (Demetri Martin Quotes) Saying, ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying, ‘ I apologize.’ Except at a funeral (Demetri Martin Quotes) There’s a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, ‘Futon World.’ Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time (Demetri Martin Quotes) Whenever I’m on my computer, I don’t type ‘lol’. I type ‘lqtm’ - laugh quietly to myself. It’s more honest (Demetri Martin Quotes) Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline (Demetri Martin Quotes) But long story short, I didn’t start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up (Demetri Martin Quotes) I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital (Demetri Martin Quotes) THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait (Demetri Martin Quotes) Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher (Demetri Martin Quotes) I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman’s voice said, ‘What the hell are you doing with your life?’ (Demetri Martin Quotes) I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, ‘Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.’ The paper I used said, ‘Happy Birthday.’ I didn’t want to waste it, so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it (Demetri Martin Quotes) Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you’re vegan, you’re annoying (Demetri Martin Quotes) A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either (Demetri Martin Quotes) I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn’t ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, ‘Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It’s better when there’s a space between them.’ And that’s coming from a Greek guy (Demetri Martin Quotes) Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die (Demetri Martin Quotes) I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks. By the fourth week, I found it tedious. I got bored and grew restless. I had no other plan for a job, because from seventh grade on, I had planned on law. So I shifted my focus from classes to extracurricular activities (Demetri Martin Quotes) I love Buster Keaton and I love physical comedy when it’s done in an emotionally understated way. I just like to play it, and I need the attention (Demetri Martin Quotes) I just listen to so much music that I like the role music can play in scoring something. I’m not doing song parodies or funny songs, I’m just adding some music to my words. So it’s limited and specific, but as a performer I find it pretty enjoyable (Demetri Martin Quotes) I think a lot of people who watch TV don’t realize when they’re watch TV shows and it says ‘produced by’ and producer, producer... there are all these producers. What the hell does a producer do? It’s funny how much you have to worry about as a producer (Demetri Martin Quotes) Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... ..DJ Abraham Lincoln (Demetri Martin Quotes) Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio (Demetri Martin Quotes) You never forget your first kiss. And that’s what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle. (Demetri Martin Quotes) When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What’s it doing? It’s eating ants. DONE! (Demetri Martin Quotes) A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual (Demetri Martin Quotes) My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. ‘Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you’re stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. ‘Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.’ (Demetri Martin Quotes)

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