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Demetri Martin Quotes
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Friendship Quotes
Love Quotes
Life Quotes
Funny Quotes
Motivational Quotes
Inspirational Quotes
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Text Quotes
Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I’m in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric (Demetri Martin Quotes)
When a couch potato is sliced up and then deep fried that is couch french fries (Demetri Martin Quotes)
As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress (Demetri Martin Quotes)
When I stub my toe it’s like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know (Demetri Martin Quotes)
I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a chance to be on The Daily Show, and I think Jon Stewart’s so funny... but mostly in my own comedy, I care about less relevant things. (Demetri Martin Quotes)
My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It’s nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts. (Demetri Martin Quotes)
It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the dog’s owner - and the distance you are from your car. (Demetri Martin Quotes)
To be creative, first I need to be really organized. If my apartment’s messy I need to clean it. It’s like before you start doing your homework or studying for a test, you have to have a clean room. (Demetri Martin Quotes)
A Rubik’s cube is equal to a drag queen. It’s really colorful, but I don’t wanna do it. (Demetri Martin Quotes)
A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house. (Demetri Martin Quotes)
When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry (Demetri Martin Quotes)
It’s very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you’re dead, and I’m going to say that’s got to be a letdown. (Demetri Martin Quotes)
It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator (Demetri Martin Quotes)
I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were (Demetri Martin Quotes)
A straw enables you to drink without using your wrist. A straw is your friend - until you lose eye contact with the straw. Then it will betray you and make you look like an idiot. (Demetri Martin Quotes)
Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face (Demetri Martin Quotes)
I saw a sign that said, ‘Watch for children.’ I was like, ‘That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they’re crappy kids.’ (Demetri Martin Quotes)
Halloween’s my favorite holiday because you don’t have to spend it with your family (Demetri Martin Quotes)
Villains fear me because I am unpredictable and broccoli. See what I mean? (Demetri Martin Quotes)
There’s a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger. (Demetri Martin Quotes)
There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else’s house. (Demetri Martin Quotes)
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40, 000 pieces. When you finish it, it says ‘go outside’. (Demetri Martin Quotes)
People only mention it’s a free country if they’re doing something shitty (Demetri Martin Quotes)
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance (Demetri Martin Quotes)
Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I’m swimming, sometimes I’m not sure which one it is. (Demetri Martin Quotes)
I wanna design a video game where you’d have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games. (Demetri Martin Quotes)
The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies. (Demetri Martin Quotes)
The reason you often get in comedy is because you’re not getting laid (Demetri Martin Quotes)
I’ve often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn’t like me that way. I’ve definitely done time in the friend zone. (Demetri Martin Quotes)
There’s a saying that goes, ‘People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.’ OK. How about, ‘Nobody should throw stones’? That’s crappy behavior. My policy is, ‘No stone throwing regardless of housing situation. (Demetri Martin Quotes)