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Demetri Martin Quotes

It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted Picture Quote #1

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you Picture Quote #1

The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak Picture Quote #1

I like stand-up. But I’d also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there’s people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary Picture Quote #1

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything Picture Quote #1

I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A’s Picture Quote #1

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I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn’t motivate me enough. So I’m going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, ‘Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?’ ‘I don’t know, but he’s been yelling, ‘help’ for like 20 minutes. He’s getting a good workout Picture Quote #1

A lot of people like lollipops. I don’t like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don’t need a handle. Just give me the candy Picture Quote #1

After going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term ‘happily ever after’ lived reasonably well for a while Picture Quote #1

The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy Picture Quote #1

Stand-up is like a row boat: it’s fun and romantic when you’re choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it’s not as enjoyable; that’s survival Picture Quote #1

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down Picture Quote #1

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When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads Picture Quote #1

I can move objects with my mind... if I use my hands! Picture Quote #1

I always try to just be honest... As opposed to artifice or manipulation Picture Quote #1

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly Picture Quote #1

I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks Picture Quote #1

Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them Picture Quote #1

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I like digital cameras, because they enable you to reminisce immediately Picture Quote #1

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom Picture Quote #1

A lot of people like lollipops. I don’t like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don’t need a handle. Just give me the candy Picture Quote #1

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive Picture Quote #1

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters Picture Quote #1

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I’m swimming, sometimes I’m not sure which one it is Picture Quote #1

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My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal Picture Quote #1

Usually my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it Picture Quote #1

I’d love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I’m proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that Picture Quote #1

Palindromes are the number one conversation stopper, like party killer, I think I’ve ever seen Picture Quote #1

To be creative, first I need to be really organized. If my apartment’s messy I need to clean it. It’s like before you start doing your homework or studying for a test, you have to have a clean room Picture Quote #1

I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted (Demetri Martin Quotes) Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you. (Demetri Martin Quotes) The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak. (Demetri Martin Quotes) I like stand-up. But I’d also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there’s people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary. (Demetri Martin Quotes) I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything. (Demetri Martin Quotes) I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A’s. (Demetri Martin Quotes) I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn’t motivate me enough. So I’m going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, ‘Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?’ ‘I don’t know, but he’s been yelling, ‘help’ for like 20 minutes. He’s getting a good workout. (Demetri Martin Quotes) A lot of people like lollipops. I don’t like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don’t need a handle. Just give me the candy. (Demetri Martin Quotes) After going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term ‘happily ever after’ lived reasonably well for a while. (Demetri Martin Quotes) The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy. (Demetri Martin Quotes) Stand-up is like a row boat: it’s fun and romantic when you’re choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it’s not as enjoyable; that’s survival. (Demetri Martin Quotes) Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. (Demetri Martin Quotes) When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads. (Demetri Martin Quotes) I can move objects with my mind... if I use my hands! (Demetri Martin Quotes) I always try to just be honest... As opposed to artifice or manipulation (Demetri Martin Quotes) The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly (Demetri Martin Quotes) I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks (Demetri Martin Quotes) Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them (Demetri Martin Quotes) I like digital cameras, because they enable you to reminisce immediately (Demetri Martin Quotes) But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom (Demetri Martin Quotes) A lot of people like lollipops. I don’t like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don’t need a handle. Just give me the candy (Demetri Martin Quotes) A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive (Demetri Martin Quotes) If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters (Demetri Martin Quotes) Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I’m swimming, sometimes I’m not sure which one it is (Demetri Martin Quotes) My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal (Demetri Martin Quotes) Usually my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it (Demetri Martin Quotes) I’d love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I’m proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that (Demetri Martin Quotes) Palindromes are the number one conversation stopper, like party killer, I think I’ve ever seen (Demetri Martin Quotes) To be creative, first I need to be really organized. If my apartment’s messy I need to clean it. It’s like before you start doing your homework or studying for a test, you have to have a clean room (Demetri Martin Quotes) I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be (Demetri Martin Quotes)

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