|

|

Advertisements

Doug Stanhope Quotes

If you have a good product. You don’t need to advertise. You’ve done drugs? Did you ever see them advertised? Picture Quote #1

What if I don’t want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don’t want to be led Picture Quote #1

Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America Picture Quote #1

If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can’t pelt them with poop Picture Quote #1

Abortion is green! I think its irrefutable, but people don’t want to hear that. For most people, having children is an instinctual, natural desire and the last thing they want to do is believe that it has any detrimental side, or if they do believe it, they think it’s different for them because they live in a gated community or whatever the reason Picture Quote #1

I do good things in my life, too. It’s just that none of them are funny Picture Quote #1

Advertisements

Jesus died for your sins. I’m doing it for your mere entertainment dollar Picture Quote #1

Even your religious friends do not want to hear about God during a medical diagnosis Picture Quote #1

Right at the end of the big wall of vibrators, $29.95, big rubber fist. Thirty bucks! Just in time for mothers day Picture Quote #1

I’m just funnier when I’m drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt Picture Quote #1

Everybody’s angry. They’ve got nothing to be angry at, so they’re angry about nothing Picture Quote #1

What ever happened to freak shows? Back in the twenties when elephant man was born at least he had a job waiting for him Picture Quote #1

Advertisements

Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases; it doesn’t count cos it’s not really dangerous and it’s too easy to get Picture Quote #1

High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography Picture Quote #1

Canada, the drinking age is 18, that’s unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them Picture Quote #1

There’s no such thing as addiction, there’s only things that you enjoy doing more than life Picture Quote #1

I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week Picture Quote #1

Courts and camps are the only places to learn the world in Picture Quote #1

Advertisements

Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life Picture Quote #1

Race, Religion, Ethnic Pride, Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you have never met Picture Quote #1

Here’s the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name Picture Quote #1

Controversial issues are always more interesting but I don’t create material about a subject I have opinion on just because it’s controversial. The most fun is having a point of view that the audience is generally against and presenting an argument that challenges their thinking Picture Quote #1

My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn’t afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny? Picture Quote #1

When I used to drive on the road from L. A., one time in Arizona we went off-road to see what weird little towns are around. Loved Bisbee Picture Quote #1

Advertisements

There’s a lot of meth [in Bisbee]. So there’s an ex-cop-car Tahoe and a BE DRUG FREE van parked right in front of my house Picture Quote #1

Excess in moderation: don’t drink a few beers every day after work, wait ‘till the end of the month and drink all the beers at once Picture Quote #1

It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security Picture Quote #1

If I have to be a monotheist, y’know pick one, I’m picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions Picture Quote #1

People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience Picture Quote #1

I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasn’t particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention Picture Quote #1

1 2 3

Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

Advertisements

Text Quotes

If you have a good product. You don’t need to advertise. You’ve done drugs? Did you ever see them advertised? (Doug Stanhope Quotes) What if I don’t want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don’t want to be led. (Doug Stanhope Quotes) Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America. (Doug Stanhope Quotes) If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can’t pelt them with poop (Doug Stanhope Quotes) Abortion is green! I think its irrefutable, but people don’t want to hear that. For most people, having children is an instinctual, natural desire and the last thing they want to do is believe that it has any detrimental side, or if they do believe it, they think it’s different for them because they live in a gated community or whatever the reason... (Doug Stanhope Quotes) I do good things in my life, too. It’s just that none of them are funny. (Doug Stanhope Quotes) Jesus died for your sins. I’m doing it for your mere entertainment dollar. (Doug Stanhope Quotes) Even your religious friends do not want to hear about God during a medical diagnosis (Doug Stanhope Quotes) Right at the end of the big wall of vibrators, $29.95, big rubber fist. Thirty bucks! Just in time for mothers day. (Doug Stanhope Quotes) I’m just funnier when I’m drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt. (Doug Stanhope Quotes) Everybody’s angry. They’ve got nothing to be angry at, so they’re angry about nothing. (Doug Stanhope Quotes) What ever happened to freak shows? Back in the twenties when elephant man was born at least he had a job waiting for him. (Doug Stanhope Quotes) Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases; it doesn’t count cos it’s not really dangerous and it’s too easy to get. (Doug Stanhope Quotes) High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography (Doug Stanhope Quotes) Canada, the drinking age is 18, that’s unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them. (Doug Stanhope Quotes) There’s no such thing as addiction, there’s only things that you enjoy doing more than life. (Doug Stanhope Quotes) I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week. (Doug Stanhope Quotes) Courts and camps are the only places to learn the world in (Doug Stanhope Quotes) Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life. (Doug Stanhope Quotes) Race, Religion, Ethnic Pride, Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you have never met (Doug Stanhope Quotes) Here’s the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name (Doug Stanhope Quotes) Controversial issues are always more interesting but I don’t create material about a subject I have opinion on just because it’s controversial. The most fun is having a point of view that the audience is generally against and presenting an argument that challenges their thinking (Doug Stanhope Quotes) My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn’t afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny? (Doug Stanhope Quotes) When I used to drive on the road from L. A., one time in Arizona we went off-road to see what weird little towns are around. Loved Bisbee (Doug Stanhope Quotes) There’s a lot of meth [in Bisbee]. So there’s an ex-cop-car Tahoe and a BE DRUG FREE van parked right in front of my house (Doug Stanhope Quotes) Excess in moderation: don’t drink a few beers every day after work, wait ‘till the end of the month and drink all the beers at once. (Doug Stanhope Quotes) It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security. (Doug Stanhope Quotes) If I have to be a monotheist, y’know pick one, I’m picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions. (Doug Stanhope Quotes) People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience (Doug Stanhope Quotes) I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasn’t particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention. (Doug Stanhope Quotes)

1 2 3