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Emo Philips Quotes

People always ask me, ‘Where were you when Kennedy was shot?’ Well, I don’t have an alibi Picture Quote #1

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks Picture Quote #1

You know, at parties, people always ask, “Where were you when Kennedy was shot?” Well, I don’t have an alibi! Picture Quote #1

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them Picture Quote #1

The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow Picture Quote #1

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, ‘I’m going to mop the floor with your face.’ I said, ‘You’ll be sorry.’ He said, ‘Oh, yeah? Why?’ I said, ‘Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.’ Picture Quote #1

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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child Picture Quote #1

Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that? Picture Quote #1

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats Picture Quote #1

I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy Picture Quote #1

I don’t know if I have sexual magnetism or animal magnetism, though sometimes I’ll find a squirrel stuck to my forehead Picture Quote #1

I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend Picture Quote #1

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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life Picture Quote #1

I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, we’ve never had a democrat in the family before Picture Quote #1

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back Picture Quote #1

My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear Picture Quote #1

My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She’ll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever Picture Quote #1

Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, Why limit yourselves? Picture Quote #1

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I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn’t any gum under any of them Picture Quote #1

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there’s never any gum under any of them Picture Quote #1

My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something Picture Quote #1

They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers Picture Quote #1

I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks Picture Quote #1

When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage Picture Quote #1

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I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out Picture Quote #1

Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be Picture Quote #1

If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way Picture Quote #1

I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center Picture Quote #1

My grandmother’s brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family Picture Quote #1

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

People always ask me, ‘Where were you when Kennedy was shot?’ Well, I don’t have an alibi (Emo Philips Quotes) The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks (Emo Philips Quotes) You know, at parties, people always ask, “Where were you when Kennedy was shot?” Well, I don’t have an alibi! (Emo Philips Quotes) When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them (Emo Philips Quotes) The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow (Emo Philips Quotes) I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, ‘I’m going to mop the floor with your face.’ I said, ‘You’ll be sorry.’ He said, ‘Oh, yeah? Why?’ I said, ‘Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.’ (Emo Philips Quotes) I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child (Emo Philips Quotes) Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that? (Emo Philips Quotes) I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats. (Emo Philips Quotes) I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy. (Emo Philips Quotes) I don’t know if I have sexual magnetism or animal magnetism, though sometimes I’ll find a squirrel stuck to my forehead. (Emo Philips Quotes) I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend. (Emo Philips Quotes) You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life. (Emo Philips Quotes) I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, we’ve never had a democrat in the family before. (Emo Philips Quotes) I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back. (Emo Philips Quotes) My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear. (Emo Philips Quotes) My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She’ll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever. (Emo Philips Quotes) Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, Why limit yourselves? (Emo Philips Quotes) I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn’t any gum under any of them. (Emo Philips Quotes) I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there’s never any gum under any of them. (Emo Philips Quotes) My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something. (Emo Philips Quotes) They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers. (Emo Philips Quotes) I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks. (Emo Philips Quotes) When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage. (Emo Philips Quotes) I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out. (Emo Philips Quotes) Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be. (Emo Philips Quotes) If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way. (Emo Philips Quotes) I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center. (Emo Philips Quotes) My grandmother’s brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family. (Emo Philips Quotes) I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose. (Emo Philips Quotes)

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