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Emo Philips Quotes

When I was young, my father had a serious heart attack. He survived, but we lost our house and car. Under the Canadian Medicare system, though, we would have kept the house and car and would have just had to pay the inheritance tax Picture Quote #1

Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It’s like the original violins were made in Cremona and there’s never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat Picture Quote #1

I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there’s nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home Picture Quote #1

Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together Picture Quote #1

Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it’s on December 25th Picture Quote #1

When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas Picture Quote #1

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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code Picture Quote #1

There’s a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin’s theory of evolution - ‘Why didn’t I think of that?’ Picture Quote #1

They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo Picture Quote #1

I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother’s passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping pills. So I called the paramedics, and they pumped his stomach, and I think he’s learned his lesson: you know, never to take my last two sleeping pills Picture Quote #1

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me Picture Quote #1

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him Picture Quote #1

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My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid...and her nose was shot off by French soldiers Picture Quote #1

Probably the worst time in a person’s life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it’s been a pretty good day Picture Quote #1

I went into the gas station, said, Fill ‘er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy Picture Quote #1

My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets Picture Quote #1

Recently, I’ve ventured into the mammal family - so that’s good for my sex life Picture Quote #1

My sister married a German. He complained he couldn’t get a good bagel back home. I said: ‘Well, whose fault is that?’ Picture Quote #1

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Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It’s sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household Picture Quote #1

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites Picture Quote #1

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator Picture Quote #1

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing Picture Quote #1

Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps Picture Quote #1

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me Picture Quote #1

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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him Picture Quote #1

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy Picture Quote #1

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories? Picture Quote #1

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back Picture Quote #1

My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets Picture Quote #1

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

When I was young, my father had a serious heart attack. He survived, but we lost our house and car. Under the Canadian Medicare system, though, we would have kept the house and car and would have just had to pay the inheritance tax. (Emo Philips Quotes) Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It’s like the original violins were made in Cremona and there’s never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat. (Emo Philips Quotes) I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there’s nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home. (Emo Philips Quotes) Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together. (Emo Philips Quotes) Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it’s on December 25th. (Emo Philips Quotes) When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas. (Emo Philips Quotes) I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code. (Emo Philips Quotes) There’s a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin’s theory of evolution - ‘Why didn’t I think of that?’ (Emo Philips Quotes) They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo. (Emo Philips Quotes) I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother’s passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping pills. So I called the paramedics, and they pumped his stomach, and I think he’s learned his lesson: you know, never to take my last two sleeping pills. (Emo Philips Quotes) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. (Emo Philips Quotes) I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him. (Emo Philips Quotes) My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid...and her nose was shot off by French soldiers. (Emo Philips Quotes) Probably the worst time in a person’s life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it’s been a pretty good day. (Emo Philips Quotes) I went into the gas station, said, Fill ‘er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy. (Emo Philips Quotes) My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets. (Emo Philips Quotes) Recently, I’ve ventured into the mammal family - so that’s good for my sex life (Emo Philips Quotes) My sister married a German. He complained he couldn’t get a good bagel back home. I said: ‘Well, whose fault is that?’ (Emo Philips Quotes) Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It’s sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household. (Emo Philips Quotes) He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites (Emo Philips Quotes) I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator (Emo Philips Quotes) My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing (Emo Philips Quotes) Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps (Emo Philips Quotes) I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me (Emo Philips Quotes) I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him (Emo Philips Quotes) I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy (Emo Philips Quotes) Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories? (Emo Philips Quotes) You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back (Emo Philips Quotes) My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets (Emo Philips Quotes) I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this (Emo Philips Quotes)

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