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George Carlin Quotes

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? Picture Quote #1

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions Picture Quote #1

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood Picture Quote #1

Religion is like a pair of shoes.... Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes Picture Quote #1

I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie Picture Quote #1

Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture Picture Quote #1

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I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore Picture Quote #1

The symphony orchestra had played poorly, so the conductor was in a bad mood. That night he beat his wife - because the music hadn't been beautiful enough Picture Quote #1

I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better Picture Quote #1

You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble Picture Quote #1

And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me Picture Quote #1

Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet Picture Quote #1

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I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full blown sociopath Picture Quote #1

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family Picture Quote #1

When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. If you're born in America you get a front row seat Picture Quote #1

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be Picture Quote #1

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? Picture Quote #1

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward Picture Quote #1

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As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up Picture Quote #1

They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles Picture Quote #1

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid Picture Quote #1

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions Picture Quote #1

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? Picture Quote #1

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight? Picture Quote #1

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The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes Picture Quote #1

So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today Picture Quote #1

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share Picture Quote #1

No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you're screwed because it's all fixed and rigged. There is a club and you ain't in it Picture Quote #1

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff Picture Quote #1

Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (George Carlin Quotes) The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions (George Carlin Quotes) I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood (George Carlin Quotes) Religion is like a pair of shoes.... Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes (George Carlin Quotes) I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie (George Carlin Quotes) Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture (George Carlin Quotes) I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore (George Carlin Quotes) The symphony orchestra had played poorly, so the conductor was in a bad mood. That night he beat his wife - because the music hadn't been beautiful enough (George Carlin Quotes) I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better (George Carlin Quotes) You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble (George Carlin Quotes) And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me (George Carlin Quotes) Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet (George Carlin Quotes) I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full blown sociopath (George Carlin Quotes) So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family (George Carlin Quotes) When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. If you're born in America you get a front row seat (George Carlin Quotes) Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be (George Carlin Quotes) I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? (George Carlin Quotes) Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward (George Carlin Quotes) As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up (George Carlin Quotes) They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles (George Carlin Quotes) Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid (George Carlin Quotes) I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions (George Carlin Quotes) If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? (George Carlin Quotes) Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight? (George Carlin Quotes) The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes (George Carlin Quotes) So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today (George Carlin Quotes) I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share (George Carlin Quotes) No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you're screwed because it's all fixed and rigged. There is a club and you ain't in it (George Carlin Quotes) Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff (George Carlin Quotes) Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money (George Carlin Quotes)

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