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George Carlin Quotes

Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help Picture Quote #1

Regarding jam sessions: Jazz musicians are the only workers I can think of who are willing to put in a full shift for pay and then go somewhere else and continue to work for free Picture Quote #1

We spend the early years feeding our brains with information and the latter half trying not to think about it all Picture Quote #1

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense! Picture Quote #1

If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party Picture Quote #1

I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions Picture Quote #1

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Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it Picture Quote #1

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired Picture Quote #1

Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time Picture Quote #1

Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers Picture Quote #1

One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict Picture Quote #1

The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash Picture Quote #1

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Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying Picture Quote #1

Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky Picture Quote #1

I also survived circumcision, a barbaric practice designed to remind you as early as possible that your genitals are not your own Picture Quote #1

O. J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers Picture Quote #1

Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone’s eyes out Picture Quote #1

When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber Picture Quote #1

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They mention that it’s a nonstop flight. Well, I must say I don’t care for that sort of thing. Call me old fashioned, but I insist that my flight stop. Preferably at an airport Picture Quote #1

And this should go without saying. That’s why I’m going to say it: Drinking and driving don’t mix. Do your drinking early in the morning and get it out of the way. Then go driving while the visibility is still good Picture Quote #1

I hope we’re not just human garbage drifting toward a big sewer. But I think so Picture Quote #1

As far as I’m concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that’s worth believing Picture Quote #1

Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far Picture Quote #1

The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time Picture Quote #1

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I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking after it! An then.. hitting it again! Picture Quote #1

You’re all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won’t happen when you’d like; generally, it’s an inconvenience Picture Quote #1

I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect Picture Quote #1

I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out Picture Quote #1

As you swim the river of live, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path Picture Quote #1

You know why we’re good at it? Because we get a lot of practice. This country is only 200 years old, and already we’ve had ten major wars. We average a major war every twenty years. So we’re good at it! Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help (George Carlin Quotes) Regarding jam sessions: Jazz musicians are the only workers I can think of who are willing to put in a full shift for pay and then go somewhere else and continue to work for free (George Carlin Quotes) We spend the early years feeding our brains with information and the latter half trying not to think about it all (George Carlin Quotes) Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense! (George Carlin Quotes) If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party (George Carlin Quotes) I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions (George Carlin Quotes) Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it (George Carlin Quotes) One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired (George Carlin Quotes) Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time (George Carlin Quotes) Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers (George Carlin Quotes) One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict (George Carlin Quotes) The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash (George Carlin Quotes) Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying (George Carlin Quotes) Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky (George Carlin Quotes) I also survived circumcision, a barbaric practice designed to remind you as early as possible that your genitals are not your own (George Carlin Quotes) O. J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers (George Carlin Quotes) Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone’s eyes out (George Carlin Quotes) When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber (George Carlin Quotes) They mention that it’s a nonstop flight. Well, I must say I don’t care for that sort of thing. Call me old fashioned, but I insist that my flight stop. Preferably at an airport (George Carlin Quotes) And this should go without saying. That’s why I’m going to say it: Drinking and driving don’t mix. Do your drinking early in the morning and get it out of the way. Then go driving while the visibility is still good (George Carlin Quotes) I hope we’re not just human garbage drifting toward a big sewer. But I think so (George Carlin Quotes) As far as I’m concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that’s worth believing (George Carlin Quotes) Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far (George Carlin Quotes) The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time (George Carlin Quotes) I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking after it! An then.. hitting it again! (George Carlin Quotes) You’re all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won’t happen when you’d like; generally, it’s an inconvenience (George Carlin Quotes) I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect (George Carlin Quotes) I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out (George Carlin Quotes) As you swim the river of live, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path (George Carlin Quotes) You know why we’re good at it? Because we get a lot of practice. This country is only 200 years old, and already we’ve had ten major wars. We average a major war every twenty years. So we’re good at it! (George Carlin Quotes)

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