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George Carlin Quotes

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away Picture Quote #1

They [the Reagan Administration] want to put street criminals in jail to make life safer for the business criminals. They’re against street crime, providing that street isn’t Wall Street Picture Quote #1

I’m thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew Picture Quote #1

Your dog thinks you’re a God. Your cat thinks the dog’s an asshole Picture Quote #1

Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell Picture Quote #1

If you had chicken at lunch and chicken at dinner, do you ever wonder if the two chickens knew each other? Picture Quote #1

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I was scared to death because for the comics of my generation, HBO specials are like the pinnacle. I’m thinking of all these unbelievable comedians I’ve seen on HBO: Chris Rock, George Carlin, Damon Wayans, Richard Pryor and Billy Crystal. I started having a panic attack seeing my name in that list of people. It was pretty overwhelming Picture Quote #1

Don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you Picture Quote #1

If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church Picture Quote #1

The Class Clown album was done totally sober. I’d realized what a hell I’d made for myself and I cleaned up completely for three months. You can hear the clarity of my thinking and of my speech on that album Picture Quote #1

War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class young men off to die. It always has been Picture Quote #1

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball Picture Quote #1

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People think life is real complicated. Actually, there’s nothing to it. Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple Picture Quote #1

If God created everything, he’s got a serious quality control problem Picture Quote #1

People always tell me Have a nice day. Well what if I don’t want to? What if I want to have a crappy day? Picture Quote #1

A crazy person doesn’t really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining Picture Quote #1

Governments don’t want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation Picture Quote #1

I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread Picture Quote #1

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People have material needs, but you don’t need a deodorant for every different day of the week. You don’t need four hundred varieties of mustard. This is what I call too many choices. There are too many choices in America Picture Quote #1

Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers Picture Quote #1

I loved George Carlin and Dean Martin. I was one of those kids who had every comedy album Picture Quote #1

The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election Picture Quote #1

In terms of coke, the only money I ever thought about was that dollar bill I had stuck up my nose Picture Quote #1

When I first heard the song Don’t worry - be happy I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with Me first Picture Quote #1

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I don’t care much about the outcome. I’d like for people to feel better and have better lives, but I don’t think that’s in the cards through political action. I think bloodshed is still the way you get dramatic change. That’ll never happen because they’ve got all the guns now. At least they’ve got the nice guns, the big ones, the ones with night vision Picture Quote #1

The women who line up at a comic’s dressing-room door are not what you’d call your class groupies Picture Quote #1

And this should go without saying. That’s why I’m going to say it: Drinking and driving don’t mix. Do your drinking early in the morning and get it out of the way. Then go driving while the visibility is still good Picture Quote #1

Because Brenda [Carlin] had a drinking problem along with the coke, she had to hit bottom first. Most alcoholics do. And for her, bottom was an automobile accident that almost landed her in jail Picture Quote #1

If you ask me, we could do with a little less motivation. - The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me. - Serial killers, stock swindlers, drug dealers, Christian Republicans Picture Quote #1

I think it would be fair and right to use some of my land and wealth for a drug-rehab center or an Indian school Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. (George Carlin Quotes) They [the Reagan Administration] want to put street criminals in jail to make life safer for the business criminals. They’re against street crime, providing that street isn’t Wall Street. (George Carlin Quotes) I’m thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew. (George Carlin Quotes) Your dog thinks you’re a God. Your cat thinks the dog’s an asshole. (George Carlin Quotes) Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell (George Carlin Quotes) If you had chicken at lunch and chicken at dinner, do you ever wonder if the two chickens knew each other? (George Carlin Quotes) I was scared to death because for the comics of my generation, HBO specials are like the pinnacle. I’m thinking of all these unbelievable comedians I’ve seen on HBO: Chris Rock, George Carlin, Damon Wayans, Richard Pryor and Billy Crystal. I started having a panic attack seeing my name in that list of people. It was pretty overwhelming. (George Carlin Quotes) Don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you. (George Carlin Quotes) If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church (George Carlin Quotes) The Class Clown album was done totally sober. I’d realized what a hell I’d made for myself and I cleaned up completely for three months. You can hear the clarity of my thinking and of my speech on that album. (George Carlin Quotes) War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class young men off to die. It always has been. (George Carlin Quotes) If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball (George Carlin Quotes) People think life is real complicated. Actually, there’s nothing to it. Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple. (George Carlin Quotes) If God created everything, he’s got a serious quality control problem (George Carlin Quotes) People always tell me Have a nice day. Well what if I don’t want to? What if I want to have a crappy day? (George Carlin Quotes) A crazy person doesn’t really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining. (George Carlin Quotes) Governments don’t want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation. (George Carlin Quotes) I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread. (George Carlin Quotes) People have material needs, but you don’t need a deodorant for every different day of the week. You don’t need four hundred varieties of mustard. This is what I call too many choices. There are too many choices in America. (George Carlin Quotes) Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers. (George Carlin Quotes) I loved George Carlin and Dean Martin. I was one of those kids who had every comedy album. (George Carlin Quotes) The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election (George Carlin Quotes) In terms of coke, the only money I ever thought about was that dollar bill I had stuck up my nose (George Carlin Quotes) When I first heard the song Don’t worry - be happy I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with Me first. (George Carlin Quotes) I don’t care much about the outcome. I’d like for people to feel better and have better lives, but I don’t think that’s in the cards through political action. I think bloodshed is still the way you get dramatic change. That’ll never happen because they’ve got all the guns now. At least they’ve got the nice guns, the big ones, the ones with night vision. (George Carlin Quotes) The women who line up at a comic’s dressing-room door are not what you’d call your class groupies. (George Carlin Quotes) And this should go without saying. That’s why I’m going to say it: Drinking and driving don’t mix. Do your drinking early in the morning and get it out of the way. Then go driving while the visibility is still good. (George Carlin Quotes) Because Brenda [Carlin] had a drinking problem along with the coke, she had to hit bottom first. Most alcoholics do. And for her, bottom was an automobile accident that almost landed her in jail. (George Carlin Quotes) If you ask me, we could do with a little less motivation. - The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me. - Serial killers, stock swindlers, drug dealers, Christian Republicans. (George Carlin Quotes) I think it would be fair and right to use some of my land and wealth for a drug-rehab center or an Indian school. (George Carlin Quotes)

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