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Gilbert Gottfried Quotes

I’m known for my slightly inappropriate remarks Picture Quote #1

What do Japanese Jews love to eat? Hebrew National Tsunami Picture Quote #1

In real life I’m a tall, blond Christian Picture Quote #1

I’m eventually gonna take the Daryl Hannah parts Picture Quote #1

One thing I can take credit for, along with the rest of show business, is when the red ribbons were out, we cured AIDS. Any advancements that came towards fighting AIDS were not done by scientists or doctors - it was people with little ribbons on their lapels Picture Quote #1

I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell Picture Quote #1

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My Bubbie lived to 104, which is probably a little too old to consider a ripe old age, because she had already started to turn. I still say she died young Picture Quote #1

I have always felt comedy and tragedy are roommates. If you look up comedy and tragedy, you will find a very old picture of two masks. One mask is tragedy. It looks like its crying. The other mask is comedy. It looks like its laughing. Nowadays, we would say, How tasteless and insensitive. A comedy mask is laughing at a tragedy mask Picture Quote #1

My family originally lived in Brooklyn. Our first apartment was a little place above my father and uncle’s hardware store in Coney Island. Now, don’t get the impression that we were surrounded by merry-go-rounds, roller coasters and Ferris wheels. Nope, this was a little side street Picture Quote #1

I’m one of those people, in any country I’m in, if somebody could just put me in a car or a bus, I’ll look out the window and say, ‘OK, there’s the Tower of London, there’s Buckingham Palace, there’s Big Ben,’ and if it all takes about five minutes, perfect. I’ve seen all of it and I can go home Picture Quote #1

I used to go to the Improvisation Comedy Club every night in Times Square. How I didn’t get killed in that area either means that 1) God is watching over me or 2) I am so insignificant to God that he didn’t bother having me killed Picture Quote #1

I remember being at the premiere of ‘Beverly Hills Cop II’ and the tremendous reaction from the crowd outside, then going to a party at a hotel afterwards where the speakers were blasting ‘Shakedown,’ a song from the movie. That felt like a show biz moment to me Picture Quote #1

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I guess if they ever do a remake of ‘Sophie’s Choice,’ I could play the Meryl Streep part. I’ve got to work on my Polish accent. Maybe I’ll be the definitive King Lear one day. You know, if they ever feel that King Lear should be more Jewy Picture Quote #1

A landlord is showing a couple around an apartment. The husband looks up and says, ‘Wait a minute. This apartment doesn’t have a ceiling.’ The landlord answers, ‘That’s OK. The people upstairs don’t walk around that much.’ Picture Quote #1

I always wish the hotels were like they are in movies and TV shows, where if you’re in Paris, right outside your window is the Eiffel Tower. In Egypt, the pyramids are right there. In the movies, every hotel has a monument right outside your window. My hotel rooms overlook the garbage dumpster in the back alley Picture Quote #1

When you watch Robin Williams, you can see a lot of Jonathan Winters. Robin is the first one to admit that; he worshiped Jonathan Winters Picture Quote #1

Reality TV has totally destroyed soap operas. They’re gone. They used to be the biggest thing in the world - they’re gone Picture Quote #1

I’d like to have a kid, but I’d probably get a Frank Sinatra Jr. instead of a Gilbert Gottfried Jr. I’d totally screw up like that Picture Quote #1

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At the Last Supper how come no one sat on the other side of the table? See, I think originally there were people sitting on the other side but those were the people going, You know, the air conditioning hits me right on the back on the neck Picture Quote #1

Some comedians tell nice jokes that you can tell to your kids. Some use bad words - they work ‘blue.’ If you don’t want to hear a joke that’s blue, you shouldn’t go to a comedy club where a comedian who makes blue jokes is performing Picture Quote #1

I was Jewish, through and through, although in our house that didn’t mean a whole lot. We never went to synagogue. I never had a Bar Mitzvah. We didn’t keep kosher or observe the Sabbath. In fact, I’m not so sure I would have known what the Sabbath looked like if it passed me on the street, so how could I observe it? Picture Quote #1

I just don’t accept midgets as human beings. There’s only so much political correctness I can accept Picture Quote #1

A lot of people who claim they’re political comedians are just comedians who have opinions. But they stop being funny the minute they give their opinions Picture Quote #1

Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn’t have the best eye for detail - and, for a Jew, he doesn’t have the best eye for retail, either Picture Quote #1

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With Katrina, it’s almost like the sequel that doesn’t live up to the original. It’s certainly a shocking event and a tragedy, but somehow as a big event it doesn’t seem to carry as much weight with the public as 9/11 did Picture Quote #1

You can say ass, but you can’t say asshole. That’s why I always cringe when a character in a TV show refers to someone as an ass. Unless you’re British, calling someone an ass really doesn’t work. But those are the rules of television. You can be a dirtbag, but not a scumbag Picture Quote #1

I was the class podiatrist. I never made it to class clown. I wasn’t funny enough. I would examine feet and prescribe and ointment. It was a sad childhood Picture Quote #1

The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I’ve given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever Picture Quote #1

Any misfortune that happens to another person is funny. If it happens to someone else and not me, it’s very funny Picture Quote #1

The joy of the roasts is to watch people get hurt and offended, and then have to laugh to pretend they’re a good sport Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

I’m known for my slightly inappropriate remarks (Gilbert Gottfried Quotes) What do Japanese Jews love to eat? Hebrew National Tsunami (Gilbert Gottfried Quotes) In real life I’m a tall, blond Christian (Gilbert Gottfried Quotes) I’m eventually gonna take the Daryl Hannah parts (Gilbert Gottfried Quotes) One thing I can take credit for, along with the rest of show business, is when the red ribbons were out, we cured AIDS. Any advancements that came towards fighting AIDS were not done by scientists or doctors - it was people with little ribbons on their lapels (Gilbert Gottfried Quotes) I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell (Gilbert Gottfried Quotes) My Bubbie lived to 104, which is probably a little too old to consider a ripe old age, because she had already started to turn. I still say she died young (Gilbert Gottfried Quotes) I have always felt comedy and tragedy are roommates. If you look up comedy and tragedy, you will find a very old picture of two masks. One mask is tragedy. It looks like its crying. The other mask is comedy. It looks like its laughing. Nowadays, we would say, How tasteless and insensitive. A comedy mask is laughing at a tragedy mask (Gilbert Gottfried Quotes) My family originally lived in Brooklyn. Our first apartment was a little place above my father and uncle’s hardware store in Coney Island. Now, don’t get the impression that we were surrounded by merry-go-rounds, roller coasters and Ferris wheels. Nope, this was a little side street (Gilbert Gottfried Quotes) I’m one of those people, in any country I’m in, if somebody could just put me in a car or a bus, I’ll look out the window and say, ‘OK, there’s the Tower of London, there’s Buckingham Palace, there’s Big Ben,’ and if it all takes about five minutes, perfect. I’ve seen all of it and I can go home (Gilbert Gottfried Quotes) I used to go to the Improvisation Comedy Club every night in Times Square. How I didn’t get killed in that area either means that 1) God is watching over me or 2) I am so insignificant to God that he didn’t bother having me killed (Gilbert Gottfried Quotes) I remember being at the premiere of ‘Beverly Hills Cop II’ and the tremendous reaction from the crowd outside, then going to a party at a hotel afterwards where the speakers were blasting ‘Shakedown,’ a song from the movie. That felt like a show biz moment to me (Gilbert Gottfried Quotes) I guess if they ever do a remake of ‘Sophie’s Choice,’ I could play the Meryl Streep part. I’ve got to work on my Polish accent. Maybe I’ll be the definitive King Lear one day. You know, if they ever feel that King Lear should be more Jewy (Gilbert Gottfried Quotes) A landlord is showing a couple around an apartment. The husband looks up and says, ‘Wait a minute. This apartment doesn’t have a ceiling.’ The landlord answers, ‘That’s OK. The people upstairs don’t walk around that much.’ (Gilbert Gottfried Quotes) I always wish the hotels were like they are in movies and TV shows, where if you’re in Paris, right outside your window is the Eiffel Tower. In Egypt, the pyramids are right there. In the movies, every hotel has a monument right outside your window. My hotel rooms overlook the garbage dumpster in the back alley (Gilbert Gottfried Quotes) When you watch Robin Williams, you can see a lot of Jonathan Winters. Robin is the first one to admit that; he worshiped Jonathan Winters (Gilbert Gottfried Quotes) Reality TV has totally destroyed soap operas. They’re gone. They used to be the biggest thing in the world - they’re gone (Gilbert Gottfried Quotes) I’d like to have a kid, but I’d probably get a Frank Sinatra Jr. instead of a Gilbert Gottfried Jr. I’d totally screw up like that (Gilbert Gottfried Quotes) At the Last Supper how come no one sat on the other side of the table? See, I think originally there were people sitting on the other side but those were the people going, You know, the air conditioning hits me right on the back on the neck. (Gilbert Gottfried Quotes) Some comedians tell nice jokes that you can tell to your kids. Some use bad words - they work ‘blue.’ If you don’t want to hear a joke that’s blue, you shouldn’t go to a comedy club where a comedian who makes blue jokes is performing. (Gilbert Gottfried Quotes) I was Jewish, through and through, although in our house that didn’t mean a whole lot. We never went to synagogue. I never had a Bar Mitzvah. We didn’t keep kosher or observe the Sabbath. In fact, I’m not so sure I would have known what the Sabbath looked like if it passed me on the street, so how could I observe it? (Gilbert Gottfried Quotes) I just don’t accept midgets as human beings. There’s only so much political correctness I can accept. (Gilbert Gottfried Quotes) A lot of people who claim they’re political comedians are just comedians who have opinions. But they stop being funny the minute they give their opinions. (Gilbert Gottfried Quotes) Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn’t have the best eye for detail - and, for a Jew, he doesn’t have the best eye for retail, either. (Gilbert Gottfried Quotes) With Katrina, it’s almost like the sequel that doesn’t live up to the original. It’s certainly a shocking event and a tragedy, but somehow as a big event it doesn’t seem to carry as much weight with the public as 9/11 did. (Gilbert Gottfried Quotes) You can say ass, but you can’t say asshole. That’s why I always cringe when a character in a TV show refers to someone as an ass. Unless you’re British, calling someone an ass really doesn’t work. But those are the rules of television. You can be a dirtbag, but not a scumbag. (Gilbert Gottfried Quotes) I was the class podiatrist. I never made it to class clown. I wasn’t funny enough. I would examine feet and prescribe and ointment. It was a sad childhood. (Gilbert Gottfried Quotes) The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I’ve given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever. (Gilbert Gottfried Quotes) Any misfortune that happens to another person is funny. If it happens to someone else and not me, it’s very funny. (Gilbert Gottfried Quotes) The joy of the roasts is to watch people get hurt and offended, and then have to laugh to pretend they’re a good sport. (Gilbert Gottfried Quotes)

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