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Greg Giraldo Quotes

Look at the insane things the Jews believe. The Jews believe that Barbra Streisand is worth $1,000 bucks a ticket Picture Quote #1

It’s hard to distinguish when I was actually struggling from when I only felt like I was struggling - which was pretty much always Picture Quote #1

George Bush says that gay people getting married would violate the sanctity of marriage. Is anybody here married? Does it feel like a gift from God to you? Picture Quote #1

The reality is I’m not this person with this driving ‘get it done’ attitude Picture Quote #1

The only reason we’re not in Iran now is because we’re going alphabetically and George Bush can’t spell Picture Quote #1

People always want to compare their dogs to having kids. That’s insulting. First of all, nobody has a dog because they were too drunk to pull out Picture Quote #1

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People come to this country from all over the world to pursue their dreams of driving a taxi or selling hot dogs or working in a sweatshop Picture Quote #1

You think they could stop putting these experts on the news with their doomsday scenarios of how the terrorists might attack us? Because you get the sense they’re coming up with ideas that these people haven’t thought of themselves Picture Quote #1

I think all gay guys should get married. I think they should have to get married. They should have to adopt kids because, actually, I’m getting tired of their happy-go-lucky lifestyle. I’ve had it with them being all happy and in shape. I could look good in denim short shorts and combat boots, too, if I had all day to do leg presses at the gym Picture Quote #1

There’s been so much talk in the news lately about illegal aliens in the workplace. When was the last time an illegal alien stole your job? Oh yeah, that dream job of the Chinese Delivery man pedaling up Broadway delivering Chinese food for 40 cents an hour, or on the back of a landscaping truck with 15 others Picture Quote #1

Americans are not gonna conserve. We’re not gonna shift to smaller cars. We can’t - we have big, fat kids Picture Quote #1

The hardest part, for real, is probably when you just don’t feel like going on stage and being funny Picture Quote #1

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A dangerous fire retardant chemical is being found in women’s breast milk. My wife’s breastfeeding, but you know, you gotta be an optimist. I’m like, well, maybe it’s making my child fireproof Picture Quote #1

I like when people give up chocolate for Lent. Ooh, just like being nailed to a cross Picture Quote #1

If being a gangster were a prerequisite to being a musician, there’d be a lot less cello music, for example Picture Quote #1

The reality is I’m not a ‘get knocked down and come back harder’ kind of guy Picture Quote #1

Some people are just really goofy kind of guitar acts, and they go out and do these colleges and start making a fortune pretty early on. And other people - I know guys who are great comics, who’ve done the Letterman show many times, who still barely pay their bills Picture Quote #1

All the evidence we need that God is angry with us is Justin Timberlake’s career Picture Quote #1

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It’s something like 70% of American adults are obese, and the rest of them are women on Ally McBeal Picture Quote #1

My advice to graduates is to stay positive. Life is short, and you’ll be dead soon Picture Quote #1

On a day-to-day basis, you get tired of waiting to be accepted. In show business, someone else has to say that you’re good or that you’re worth going to see or worth taping a show. There’s a lot of pain here. There’s a lot of pain inside. I’m a sad, crying-on-the-inside kind of clown Picture Quote #1

It’s all about self-esteem now. Build the kids’ self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves. If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who’s gonna dance in our strip-clubs? Picture Quote #1

Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there’d be a Microsoft? Picture Quote #1

Valentine’s day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine’s Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone’s like ‘Oh, happy valentine’s day!’ I even got a Valentine’s Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago! Picture Quote #1

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Some people say Larry the Cable Guy’s only successful because he’s pandering to the lowest common denominator, blatantly and not ironically exploiting people’s racist and homophobic tendencies. Don’t listen to these people, Larry. They’re just bitter and jealous and right Picture Quote #1

If they [peple] really hate you, that means you’re doing something right Picture Quote #1

Flav, you look like a skeleton wrapped in electrical tape Picture Quote #1

In catholisism we have an entire religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story Picture Quote #1

Hamilton, you’re like a walking tumor. Not exactly; it’s a big deal when you spot a tumor Picture Quote #1

Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

Look at the insane things the Jews believe. The Jews believe that Barbra Streisand is worth $1,000 bucks a ticket. (Greg Giraldo Quotes) It’s hard to distinguish when I was actually struggling from when I only felt like I was struggling - which was pretty much always. (Greg Giraldo Quotes) George Bush says that gay people getting married would violate the sanctity of marriage. Is anybody here married? Does it feel like a gift from God to you? (Greg Giraldo Quotes) The reality is I’m not this person with this driving ‘get it done’ attitude (Greg Giraldo Quotes) The only reason we’re not in Iran now is because we’re going alphabetically and George Bush can’t spell. (Greg Giraldo Quotes) People always want to compare their dogs to having kids. That’s insulting. First of all, nobody has a dog because they were too drunk to pull out. (Greg Giraldo Quotes) People come to this country from all over the world to pursue their dreams of driving a taxi or selling hot dogs or working in a sweatshop. (Greg Giraldo Quotes) You think they could stop putting these experts on the news with their doomsday scenarios of how the terrorists might attack us? Because you get the sense they’re coming up with ideas that these people haven’t thought of themselves. (Greg Giraldo Quotes) I think all gay guys should get married. I think they should have to get married. They should have to adopt kids because, actually, I’m getting tired of their happy-go-lucky lifestyle. I’ve had it with them being all happy and in shape. I could look good in denim short shorts and combat boots, too, if I had all day to do leg presses at the gym. (Greg Giraldo Quotes) There’s been so much talk in the news lately about illegal aliens in the workplace. When was the last time an illegal alien stole your job? Oh yeah, that dream job of the Chinese Delivery man pedaling up Broadway delivering Chinese food for 40 cents an hour, or on the back of a landscaping truck with 15 others. (Greg Giraldo Quotes) Americans are not gonna conserve. We’re not gonna shift to smaller cars. We can’t - we have big, fat kids. (Greg Giraldo Quotes) The hardest part, for real, is probably when you just don’t feel like going on stage and being funny. (Greg Giraldo Quotes) A dangerous fire retardant chemical is being found in women’s breast milk. My wife’s breastfeeding, but you know, you gotta be an optimist. I’m like, well, maybe it’s making my child fireproof. (Greg Giraldo Quotes) I like when people give up chocolate for Lent. Ooh, just like being nailed to a cross. (Greg Giraldo Quotes) If being a gangster were a prerequisite to being a musician, there’d be a lot less cello music, for example. (Greg Giraldo Quotes) The reality is I’m not a ‘get knocked down and come back harder’ kind of guy (Greg Giraldo Quotes) Some people are just really goofy kind of guitar acts, and they go out and do these colleges and start making a fortune pretty early on. And other people - I know guys who are great comics, who’ve done the Letterman show many times, who still barely pay their bills. (Greg Giraldo Quotes) All the evidence we need that God is angry with us is Justin Timberlake’s career (Greg Giraldo Quotes) It’s something like 70% of American adults are obese, and the rest of them are women on Ally McBeal. (Greg Giraldo Quotes) My advice to graduates is to stay positive. Life is short, and you’ll be dead soon. (Greg Giraldo Quotes) On a day-to-day basis, you get tired of waiting to be accepted. In show business, someone else has to say that you’re good or that you’re worth going to see or worth taping a show. There’s a lot of pain here. There’s a lot of pain inside. I’m a sad, crying-on-the-inside kind of clown (Greg Giraldo Quotes) It’s all about self-esteem now. Build the kids’ self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves. If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who’s gonna dance in our strip-clubs? (Greg Giraldo Quotes) Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there’d be a Microsoft? (Greg Giraldo Quotes) Valentine’s day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine’s Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone’s like ‘Oh, happy valentine’s day!’ I even got a Valentine’s Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago! (Greg Giraldo Quotes) Some people say Larry the Cable Guy’s only successful because he’s pandering to the lowest common denominator, blatantly and not ironically exploiting people’s racist and homophobic tendencies. Don’t listen to these people, Larry. They’re just bitter and jealous and right (Greg Giraldo Quotes) If they [peple] really hate you, that means you’re doing something right (Greg Giraldo Quotes) Flav, you look like a skeleton wrapped in electrical tape (Greg Giraldo Quotes) In catholisism we have an entire religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story (Greg Giraldo Quotes) Hamilton, you’re like a walking tumor. Not exactly; it’s a big deal when you spot a tumor (Greg Giraldo Quotes)