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Henny Youngman Quotes

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did Picture Quote #1

I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange Picture Quote #1

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well Picture Quote #1

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea Picture Quote #1

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport Picture Quote #1

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad; but New York City? Picture Quote #1

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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays Picture Quote #1

When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays Picture Quote #1

I call my lawyer and say, ‘Can I ask you two questions?’ He says, ‘What’s the second question?’ Picture Quote #1

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated! Picture Quote #1

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn’t come in until half-past five Picture Quote #1

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me Picture Quote #1

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My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself Picture Quote #1

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars’ worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it Picture Quote #1

My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement Picture Quote #1

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won’t let me plug it in Picture Quote #1

My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him Picture Quote #1

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months Picture Quote #1

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Hollywood called me, asking me, How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett? $50,000 They called back, How about $20,000? I said, I’ll pay it! Picture Quote #1

I’ve got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn’t too bad Picture Quote #1

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate Picture Quote #1

We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better, and she couldn’t have done worse Picture Quote #1

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to Picture Quote #1

A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe! Picture Quote #1

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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way Picture Quote #1

A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out Picture Quote #1

I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange Picture Quote #1

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost weight, but can she climb a tree Picture Quote #1

Have I got a mother-in-law. She’s so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock Picture Quote #1

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did (Henny Youngman Quotes) I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange (Henny Youngman Quotes) A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well (Henny Youngman Quotes) My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea (Henny Youngman Quotes) Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport (Henny Youngman Quotes) My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad; but New York City? (Henny Youngman Quotes) Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays (Henny Youngman Quotes) When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays (Henny Youngman Quotes) I call my lawyer and say, ‘Can I ask you two questions?’ He says, ‘What’s the second question?’ (Henny Youngman Quotes) This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated! (Henny Youngman Quotes) I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn’t come in until half-past five (Henny Youngman Quotes) I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me (Henny Youngman Quotes) My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself (Henny Youngman Quotes) Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars’ worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it (Henny Youngman Quotes) My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement (Henny Youngman Quotes) I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won’t let me plug it in (Henny Youngman Quotes) My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him (Henny Youngman Quotes) A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. (Henny Youngman Quotes) Hollywood called me, asking me, How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett? $50,000 They called back, How about $20,000? I said, I’ll pay it! (Henny Youngman Quotes) I’ve got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn’t too bad (Henny Youngman Quotes) She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. (Henny Youngman Quotes) We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better, and she couldn’t have done worse. (Henny Youngman Quotes) The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. (Henny Youngman Quotes) A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe! (Henny Youngman Quotes) When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman Quotes) A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out. (Henny Youngman Quotes) I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange. (Henny Youngman Quotes) My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost weight, but can she climb a tree. (Henny Youngman Quotes) Have I got a mother-in-law. She’s so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock. (Henny Youngman Quotes) Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room. (Henny Youngman Quotes)

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