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Jay Leno Quotes

Postal inspectors have been given advanced warning that Publishers Clearinghouse is sending packets of laundry detergent that could be mistaken for anthrax. Oh, good timing. What genius came up with this promotion? What’s next - a ticking alarm clock? Let’s put that in a box Picture Quote #1

Nike actually has a pair of shoes called Air-Turbulence. Try getting past airline security wearing those. Might as well call them Air-Osama Picture Quote #1

Attorney General John Ashcroft said there is a new credible terrorist threat. He said everything is under control; not to panic. And then he went back to his harmonically sealed bunker Picture Quote #1

People want to say there isn’t racial profiling at the airport, but let’s be honest. If you first name is Mohammed, and your last name isn’t Ali, leave a little extra time Picture Quote #1

This is my favorite story of the week. The Republican National Committee is in trouble after spending nearly $2,000 at a bondage club in Hollywood. You know what I call a Republican that spends a lot of money in a strip club? A Democrat Picture Quote #1

Martha Stewart is now under house arrest. So she’ll go to her $40 million 153-acre estate. So she’s going from the big house to an even bigger house Picture Quote #1

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Martha Stewart was found guilty on all charges. You know what that means, stripes are in this year Picture Quote #1

American Taliban John Walker Lindh has pleaded guilty to two counts of terrorism and will face twenty years in prison. I guess that means his jihad is on ji-hold Picture Quote #1

Today the Justice Department released e-mails where Walker criticized America. In the e-mails he said he never wanted to set foot in America again. See, that’s the good part about hanging somebody. Their feet don’t touch the ground Picture Quote #1

Oliver North says he is very upset that John Walker could come back to this country and cash in on his celebrity status. He hates to see someone who did something wrong get rewarded by writing a book or getting a TV show out of it Picture Quote #1

Did you hear about this 20-year-old kid named John Walker from Northern California who was apparently fighting for the Taliban?... It didn’t take long for the TV networks to jump on this Walker thing. CBS has a new show: ‘Walker: Taliban Ranger.’ Picture Quote #1

Republicans are now saying that Dan Rather should lose his job because he misled the country with bogus information. Which is odd because the Democrats are saying the exact same thing about President Bush Picture Quote #1

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Is it me or is Bush going everywhere Kerry goes? So far in the past week, President Bush has followed John Kerry to Davenport, Iowa; New Mexico; Las Vegas; Los Angeles; and he follows him to Portland, Oregon. The only place he never followed John Kerry was Vietnam Picture Quote #1

Have you noticed how the Republicans and Democrats try to copy each other at their conventions. Like at the Democratic convention John Kerry’s daughter told a story about how he once gave CPR to her hamster. At the Republican convention the Bush girls are going to tell a story about how when their hamster was bad, their dad built them a little electric chair Picture Quote #1

President Bush fell off his mountain bike down on his ranch in Texas. A couple weeks ago, John Kerry fell off his bicycle. See, doesn’t this make you miss President Clinton? That guy, he could ride anything without falling off Picture Quote #1

Bush fell off his bike while mountain biking on his ranch over the weekend. He hit a rough spot in the trail. There’s a switch - the environment hurting Bush Picture Quote #1

President Bush fell off his bicycle this weekend and you know what was really sad? It’s a stationary bike Picture Quote #1

President Bush’s campaign is now attacking John Kerry for throwing away some of his medals to protest the Vietnam War. Bush did not have any medals to throw away, but in his defense he did have all his services records thrown out Picture Quote #1

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We ought to thank President Bush. He made it a lot easier for people to do taxes this year. No job, no income tax this year Picture Quote #1

Oscar nominations came out today. Up for best actor, Sean Penn for ‘Mystic River,’ Jude Law for ‘Cold Mountain,’ and of course, George W. Bush for ‘Iraqi Weapons of Mass Destruction.’ Picture Quote #1

So, the Phoenix Suns are wearing jerseys written in Spanish, made in China, modeled after their best player, Canadian Steve Nash. There you go. That is America Picture Quote #1

President Bush earned $400,000 for his job as president last year. That’s not really that much for being president when you think about it. But President Bush, he doesn’t do it for the money, he does it for the eight months of vacation every year Picture Quote #1

The other night, President Bush’s press conference was pre-empted by ‘American Idol.’ You know the difference between President Bush and ‘American Idol?’ See, on ‘American Idol,’ the one with the most votes wins Picture Quote #1

President Bush released his tax returns yesterday. He listed the economy as a liability. He gets to write that off Picture Quote #1

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They said that President Bush’s war in Iraq has cost the former Spanish Prime Minister his job. So President Bush isn’t losing American jobs anymore, he’s branching out to other countries Picture Quote #1

John Kerry said today he wants to debate President Bush once a month. Hey good luck, if Bush couldn’t make it to the National Guard once a month, he’s not going to show up for this Picture Quote #1

President Bush has unveiled his first campaign commercial, highlighting all of his accomplishes in office. That’s why it’s a 60-second spot Picture Quote #1

The Democrats say that President Bush doesn’t have an exit strategy for Iraq. Of course he does. If things don’t go well, he exits in November Picture Quote #1

A new poll says that if the election were held today, both John Kerry and John Edwards would beat President Bush by double digit margins. The White House is so worried about this, they’re now thinking of moving up the capture of Osama Bin Laden to next month Picture Quote #1

Some sad news, President Bush’s lapdog passed away. Gee, I didn’t even know Tony Blair was sick? Picture Quote #1

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Text Quotes

Postal inspectors have been given advanced warning that Publishers Clearinghouse is sending packets of laundry detergent that could be mistaken for anthrax. Oh, good timing. What genius came up with this promotion? What’s next - a ticking alarm clock? Let’s put that in a box (Jay Leno Quotes) Nike actually has a pair of shoes called Air-Turbulence. Try getting past airline security wearing those. Might as well call them Air-Osama (Jay Leno Quotes) Attorney General John Ashcroft said there is a new credible terrorist threat. He said everything is under control; not to panic. And then he went back to his harmonically sealed bunker (Jay Leno Quotes) People want to say there isn’t racial profiling at the airport, but let’s be honest. If you first name is Mohammed, and your last name isn’t Ali, leave a little extra time (Jay Leno Quotes) This is my favorite story of the week. The Republican National Committee is in trouble after spending nearly $2,000 at a bondage club in Hollywood. You know what I call a Republican that spends a lot of money in a strip club? A Democrat (Jay Leno Quotes) Martha Stewart is now under house arrest. So she’ll go to her $40 million 153-acre estate. So she’s going from the big house to an even bigger house (Jay Leno Quotes) Martha Stewart was found guilty on all charges. You know what that means, stripes are in this year (Jay Leno Quotes) American Taliban John Walker Lindh has pleaded guilty to two counts of terrorism and will face twenty years in prison. I guess that means his jihad is on ji-hold (Jay Leno Quotes) Today the Justice Department released e-mails where Walker criticized America. In the e-mails he said he never wanted to set foot in America again. See, that’s the good part about hanging somebody. Their feet don’t touch the ground (Jay Leno Quotes) Oliver North says he is very upset that John Walker could come back to this country and cash in on his celebrity status. He hates to see someone who did something wrong get rewarded by writing a book or getting a TV show out of it (Jay Leno Quotes) Did you hear about this 20-year-old kid named John Walker from Northern California who was apparently fighting for the Taliban?... It didn’t take long for the TV networks to jump on this Walker thing. CBS has a new show: ‘Walker: Taliban Ranger.’ (Jay Leno Quotes) Republicans are now saying that Dan Rather should lose his job because he misled the country with bogus information. Which is odd because the Democrats are saying the exact same thing about President Bush (Jay Leno Quotes) Is it me or is Bush going everywhere Kerry goes? So far in the past week, President Bush has followed John Kerry to Davenport, Iowa; New Mexico; Las Vegas; Los Angeles; and he follows him to Portland, Oregon. The only place he never followed John Kerry was Vietnam (Jay Leno Quotes) Have you noticed how the Republicans and Democrats try to copy each other at their conventions. Like at the Democratic convention John Kerry’s daughter told a story about how he once gave CPR to her hamster. At the Republican convention the Bush girls are going to tell a story about how when their hamster was bad, their dad built them a little electric chair (Jay Leno Quotes) President Bush fell off his mountain bike down on his ranch in Texas. A couple weeks ago, John Kerry fell off his bicycle. See, doesn’t this make you miss President Clinton? That guy, he could ride anything without falling off (Jay Leno Quotes) Bush fell off his bike while mountain biking on his ranch over the weekend. He hit a rough spot in the trail. There’s a switch - the environment hurting Bush (Jay Leno Quotes) President Bush fell off his bicycle this weekend and you know what was really sad? It’s a stationary bike (Jay Leno Quotes) President Bush’s campaign is now attacking John Kerry for throwing away some of his medals to protest the Vietnam War. Bush did not have any medals to throw away, but in his defense he did have all his services records thrown out (Jay Leno Quotes) We ought to thank President Bush. He made it a lot easier for people to do taxes this year. No job, no income tax this year (Jay Leno Quotes) Oscar nominations came out today. Up for best actor, Sean Penn for ‘Mystic River,’ Jude Law for ‘Cold Mountain,’ and of course, George W. Bush for ‘Iraqi Weapons of Mass Destruction.’ (Jay Leno Quotes) So, the Phoenix Suns are wearing jerseys written in Spanish, made in China, modeled after their best player, Canadian Steve Nash. There you go. That is America (Jay Leno Quotes) President Bush earned $400,000 for his job as president last year. That’s not really that much for being president when you think about it. But President Bush, he doesn’t do it for the money, he does it for the eight months of vacation every year (Jay Leno Quotes) The other night, President Bush’s press conference was pre-empted by ‘American Idol.’ You know the difference between President Bush and ‘American Idol?’ See, on ‘American Idol,’ the one with the most votes wins (Jay Leno Quotes) President Bush released his tax returns yesterday. He listed the economy as a liability. He gets to write that off (Jay Leno Quotes) They said that President Bush’s war in Iraq has cost the former Spanish Prime Minister his job. So President Bush isn’t losing American jobs anymore, he’s branching out to other countries (Jay Leno Quotes) John Kerry said today he wants to debate President Bush once a month. Hey good luck, if Bush couldn’t make it to the National Guard once a month, he’s not going to show up for this (Jay Leno Quotes) President Bush has unveiled his first campaign commercial, highlighting all of his accomplishes in office. That’s why it’s a 60-second spot (Jay Leno Quotes) The Democrats say that President Bush doesn’t have an exit strategy for Iraq. Of course he does. If things don’t go well, he exits in November (Jay Leno Quotes) A new poll says that if the election were held today, both John Kerry and John Edwards would beat President Bush by double digit margins. The White House is so worried about this, they’re now thinking of moving up the capture of Osama Bin Laden to next month (Jay Leno Quotes) Some sad news, President Bush’s lapdog passed away. Gee, I didn’t even know Tony Blair was sick? (Jay Leno Quotes)

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