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Jay Leno Quotes

Major league baseball has asked its players to stop tossing baseballs into the stands during games, because they say fans fight over them and they get hurt. In fact, the Florida Marlins said that's why they never hit any home runs. It's a safety issue Picture Quote #1

L.A.’s large convenience stores are so big they can accommodate up to twenty armed robbers at one time Picture Quote #1

There is a penalty for trying to knock down a cockpit door, but it’s the people who try to go from coach to 1st class they really beat up Picture Quote #1

The good news is, the stock market is closed and it can’t hurt us again until tomorrow Picture Quote #1

Nissan is designing a car that will read the driver’s mind. I already know what I’m going to do. I want a car that will read the other guy’s mind Picture Quote #1

British scientists say they have developed a super broccoli that can help fight heart disease. You know, if you want to fight heart disease, why don’t you come up with a food people will actually eat? Like a super glazed doughnut Picture Quote #1

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Gas stations are considering hiring security guards. Why are they getting security guards? We’re the ones getting robbed Picture Quote #1

The economy is so bad that bedbugs are now infesting sleeping bags and tents, because they can’t afford to stay in hotels anymore Picture Quote #1

Family planning experts are now recommending giving men vasectomy gift cards for the holidays. Talk about taking the jingle out of the bells Picture Quote #1

You could do anything in your room at college. You could smoke pot, live in a coed dorm, have a girl. But you couldn’t have a... hot plate! Picture Quote #1

Enron is now officially out of the energy business. They are now in a new business: confetti Picture Quote #1

Nineteen percent of doctors say that they’d be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments Picture Quote #1

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The circus doesn’t stop. A federal appeals court has postponed the recall election. How stupid are we? Even our recalls get recalled Picture Quote #1

More warnings issued by all branches of the government today that another terrorist attack is imminent. We’re not sure when, we’re not sure where, just that it is coming. Who is attacking us now, the cable company? Picture Quote #1

Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren’t bad people; they’re just acquaintances Picture Quote #1

There’s this big pie in show business, and you physically can’t eat the whole pie. If you give everybody a slice of pie, you will still have more than enough. The real trick is not to try to get the whole pie, but to keep the biggest slice Picture Quote #1

How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak? Picture Quote #1

At the airport if you refuse to be patted down, they arrest you. And what’s the first thing they do when they arrest you? They pat you down Picture Quote #1

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A new medical study reports that men who eat ten pizzas a week are less likely to develop prostate problems at age 50. That’s because they are usually dead by age 40 Picture Quote #1

Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution Picture Quote #1

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver Picture Quote #1

Here at work, obviously, I make the most money of anyone on the show, so I try to be the first one here and the last one to leave. I have the crummiest office. I try to balance things out, spread it around Picture Quote #1

I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give up the idea. I’m only six feet tall, so I couldn’t play basketball. I’m only 190 pounds, so I couldn’t play football, and I have 20/20 vision, so I couldn’t be a referee Picture Quote #1

Ashcroft went on to say that our way of life is being threatened by a group of radical religious fanatics who are armed and dangerous. And then he called for prayers in the schools and an end to gun control Picture Quote #1

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You know what they say when a supermodel gets pregnant? Now she’s eating for one Picture Quote #1

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they’re a bunch of liars Picture Quote #1

If you think of life as like a big pie, you can try to hold the whole pie and kill yourself trying to keep it, or you can slice it up and give some to the people around you, and you still have plenty left for yourself Picture Quote #1

I was born the day I got my license. When I was a kid, if I wanted to go somewhere and see things, you have to get in your car and actually go Picture Quote #1

If there isn’t a parking space out front or I can’t see my car from the window, we’re eating somewhere else Picture Quote #1

When you work with your hands, you learn to appreciate how easy it is to earn money talking Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

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Text Quotes

Major league baseball has asked its players to stop tossing baseballs into the stands during games, because they say fans fight over them and they get hurt. In fact, the Florida Marlins said that's why they never hit any home runs. It's a safety issue (Jay Leno Quotes) L.A.’s large convenience stores are so big they can accommodate up to twenty armed robbers at one time (Jay Leno Quotes) There is a penalty for trying to knock down a cockpit door, but it’s the people who try to go from coach to 1st class they really beat up (Jay Leno Quotes) The good news is, the stock market is closed and it can’t hurt us again until tomorrow (Jay Leno Quotes) Nissan is designing a car that will read the driver’s mind. I already know what I’m going to do. I want a car that will read the other guy’s mind (Jay Leno Quotes) British scientists say they have developed a super broccoli that can help fight heart disease. You know, if you want to fight heart disease, why don’t you come up with a food people will actually eat? Like a super glazed doughnut (Jay Leno Quotes) Gas stations are considering hiring security guards. Why are they getting security guards? We’re the ones getting robbed (Jay Leno Quotes) The economy is so bad that bedbugs are now infesting sleeping bags and tents, because they can’t afford to stay in hotels anymore (Jay Leno Quotes) Family planning experts are now recommending giving men vasectomy gift cards for the holidays. Talk about taking the jingle out of the bells (Jay Leno Quotes) You could do anything in your room at college. You could smoke pot, live in a coed dorm, have a girl. But you couldn’t have a... hot plate! (Jay Leno Quotes) Enron is now officially out of the energy business. They are now in a new business: confetti (Jay Leno Quotes) Nineteen percent of doctors say that they’d be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments (Jay Leno Quotes) The circus doesn’t stop. A federal appeals court has postponed the recall election. How stupid are we? Even our recalls get recalled (Jay Leno Quotes) More warnings issued by all branches of the government today that another terrorist attack is imminent. We’re not sure when, we’re not sure where, just that it is coming. Who is attacking us now, the cable company? (Jay Leno Quotes) Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren’t bad people; they’re just acquaintances (Jay Leno Quotes) There’s this big pie in show business, and you physically can’t eat the whole pie. If you give everybody a slice of pie, you will still have more than enough. The real trick is not to try to get the whole pie, but to keep the biggest slice (Jay Leno Quotes) How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak? (Jay Leno Quotes) At the airport if you refuse to be patted down, they arrest you. And what’s the first thing they do when they arrest you? They pat you down (Jay Leno Quotes) A new medical study reports that men who eat ten pizzas a week are less likely to develop prostate problems at age 50. That’s because they are usually dead by age 40 (Jay Leno Quotes) Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution (Jay Leno Quotes) The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver (Jay Leno Quotes) Here at work, obviously, I make the most money of anyone on the show, so I try to be the first one here and the last one to leave. I have the crummiest office. I try to balance things out, spread it around (Jay Leno Quotes) I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give up the idea. I’m only six feet tall, so I couldn’t play basketball. I’m only 190 pounds, so I couldn’t play football, and I have 20/20 vision, so I couldn’t be a referee (Jay Leno Quotes) Ashcroft went on to say that our way of life is being threatened by a group of radical religious fanatics who are armed and dangerous. And then he called for prayers in the schools and an end to gun control (Jay Leno Quotes) You know what they say when a supermodel gets pregnant? Now she’s eating for one (Jay Leno Quotes) According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they’re a bunch of liars (Jay Leno Quotes) If you think of life as like a big pie, you can try to hold the whole pie and kill yourself trying to keep it, or you can slice it up and give some to the people around you, and you still have plenty left for yourself (Jay Leno Quotes) I was born the day I got my license. When I was a kid, if I wanted to go somewhere and see things, you have to get in your car and actually go (Jay Leno Quotes) If there isn’t a parking space out front or I can’t see my car from the window, we’re eating somewhere else (Jay Leno Quotes) When you work with your hands, you learn to appreciate how easy it is to earn money talking (Jay Leno Quotes)

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