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Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

What I don’t understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders Picture Quote #1

What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they’re trophies. What do you need it for after you read it? Picture Quote #1

According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy Picture Quote #1

I’m in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people’s feelings Picture Quote #1

Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? Picture Quote #1

If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they’re going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge? Picture Quote #1

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We want to do a lot of stuff; we’re not in great shape. We didn’t get a good night’s sleep. We’re a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup Picture Quote #1

I have no plants in my house. They won’t live for me. Some of them don’t even wait to die, they commit suicide Picture Quote #1

It reminds me of like this pathetic friend that everybody had when they were a little kid who would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend. That’s what the library is. A government funded pathetic friend Picture Quote #1

Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it’s always, who’s responsible for this? Picture Quote #1

I didn’t know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it’s a musical Picture Quote #1

Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that’s heavy. That’s like an hour Picture Quote #1

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The peak of being a fan is a hotdog and a beer and a seat at the game. There’s nothing above that. Nothing above it Picture Quote #1

Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will always trade sleep for sex Picture Quote #1

I think that you think that a certain something is not all that it could be, when, in fact, it is all that it should be, and more! Picture Quote #1

You don’t even really need a place. But you feel like you’re doing something. That is what coffee is. And that is one of the geniuses of the new coffee culture Picture Quote #1

What’s the point of dating without games? How do you know if you’re winning or losing? Picture Quote #1

Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body. We just want the body Picture Quote #1

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I was the best man at the wedding... If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him? Picture Quote #1

Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry Picture Quote #1

The big advantage of a book is that it’s very easy to rewind. Close it and you’re right back at the beginning Picture Quote #1

I can’t go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers? Picture Quote #1

Having a 2 year old is like having a blender that you don’t have the top for Picture Quote #1

There is no such thing as an attention span. There is only the quality of what you are viewing. This whole idea of an attention span is, I think, a misnomer. People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them Picture Quote #1

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Twitter is good. Why say a lot to a few people when you can say virtually nothing to everyone? Picture Quote #1

Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven’t been in a car since 1965 Picture Quote #1

We got the hot fudge on the bottom... that allows you to control the fudge distribution while you’re eating your ice cream Picture Quote #1

It’s hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything Picture Quote #1

Of course, everyone wants to be healthy. The amusing thing is no one’s really sure how to do it Picture Quote #1

Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

What I don’t understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they’re trophies. What do you need it for after you read it? (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) I’m in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people’s feelings (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they’re going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge? (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) We want to do a lot of stuff; we’re not in great shape. We didn’t get a good night’s sleep. We’re a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) I have no plants in my house. They won’t live for me. Some of them don’t even wait to die, they commit suicide (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) It reminds me of like this pathetic friend that everybody had when they were a little kid who would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend. That’s what the library is. A government funded pathetic friend (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it’s always, who’s responsible for this? (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) I didn’t know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it’s a musical (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that’s heavy. That’s like an hour (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) The peak of being a fan is a hotdog and a beer and a seat at the game. There’s nothing above that. Nothing above it (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will always trade sleep for sex (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) I think that you think that a certain something is not all that it could be, when, in fact, it is all that it should be, and more! (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) You don’t even really need a place. But you feel like you’re doing something. That is what coffee is. And that is one of the geniuses of the new coffee culture (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) What’s the point of dating without games? How do you know if you’re winning or losing? (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body. We just want the body (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) I was the best man at the wedding... If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him? (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) The big advantage of a book is that it’s very easy to rewind. Close it and you’re right back at the beginning (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) I can’t go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers? (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) Having a 2 year old is like having a blender that you don’t have the top for (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) There is no such thing as an attention span. There is only the quality of what you are viewing. This whole idea of an attention span is, I think, a misnomer. People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) Twitter is good. Why say a lot to a few people when you can say virtually nothing to everyone? (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven’t been in a car since 1965 (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) We got the hot fudge on the bottom... that allows you to control the fudge distribution while you’re eating your ice cream (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) It’s hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) Of course, everyone wants to be healthy. The amusing thing is no one’s really sure how to do it (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes)

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