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Jimmy Carr Quotes

Say what you want about the deaf Picture Quote #1

I’m not worried about the Third World War. That’s the Third World’s Problem Picture Quote #1

I was a Christian. I didn’t want to have sex before marriage, I was a bit uptight and not very self-confident. I was a virgin until I was 26 Picture Quote #1

As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing Picture Quote #1

I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh Picture Quote #1

I go around the country and do a simple gag like, ‘The property ladder is now a snake’ and get a real laugh Picture Quote #1

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I like to write a joke without any fat on it. The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically Picture Quote #1

I was in the South of France. I saw a Brownie on a school trip. She was holding up a book. It said on the front ‘rough guide’. I thought: ‘Yeah’ she’s not a looker Picture Quote #1

I’m obsessed with TV. How wrong our parents were when they said we should only watch an hour a day. Stop wasting your time reading books Picture Quote #1

It’s so clear cut with a comedian - you have that reflex action, whereby you laugh or you don’t. And so you either love us or you simply cannot see why people are laughing Picture Quote #1

Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I’d stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room service Picture Quote #1

The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you’re just finding your feet Picture Quote #1

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They say the people most affected by the credit crunch are pensioners - well, let go of the handbag then, nanna Picture Quote #1

I don’t think it’s any coincidence that I lost my religious faith and ‘manned up’ in the same year. I was described somewhere as a lapsed Catholic, which is funny because I’m not going back! I want to achieve things rather than live life in an animalistic way Picture Quote #1

All comedians are a bit attention-seeking and I’m no different. Anyone with the audacity to want to be listened to for an hour and a half must be Picture Quote #1

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, ‘Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?’ I said, ‘All right, but we won’t get much done Picture Quote #1

I didn’t plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it’s juvenile, but that’s me Picture Quote #1

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called ‘Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking’. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian Picture Quote #1

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I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was ‘Shout For Help’ Picture Quote #1

Eighteen years since the Chernobyl disaster. Is it just me surprized? Still no superheroes! Picture Quote #1

Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that’s disappointed? Still no superheros Picture Quote #1

I think being successful in comedy is being funny and making jokes - anything beyond that is the icing on the cake Picture Quote #1

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn’t eat before you swim. She said, why not? I said, you look fat Picture Quote #1

I was a Christian. I didn’t want to have sex before marriage, I was a bit uptight and not very self-confident. I was a virgin until I was 26 Picture Quote #1

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Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, Yes, who did you think it was? Picture Quote #1

I’m not being condescending, I’m too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn’t understand Picture Quote #1

Saying that you don’t believe in magic but do believe in God is a bit like saying you don’t have sex with dogs, except labradors Picture Quote #1

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I’m wrong, but that’s a pizza Picture Quote #1

I think the idea that death is not the end, that your dog’s just gone to live on the farm, is limiting. Thoughts like that prevent you from making the most of the time that you have Picture Quote #1

I go around the country and do a simple gag like, ‘The property ladder is now a snake’ and get a real laugh Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

Say what you want about the deaf (Jimmy Carr Quotes) I’m not worried about the Third World War. That’s the Third World’s Problem (Jimmy Carr Quotes) I was a Christian. I didn’t want to have sex before marriage, I was a bit uptight and not very self-confident. I was a virgin until I was 26 (Jimmy Carr Quotes) As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing (Jimmy Carr Quotes) I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh (Jimmy Carr Quotes) I go around the country and do a simple gag like, ‘The property ladder is now a snake’ and get a real laugh (Jimmy Carr Quotes) I like to write a joke without any fat on it. The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically (Jimmy Carr Quotes) I was in the South of France. I saw a Brownie on a school trip. She was holding up a book. It said on the front ‘rough guide’. I thought: ‘Yeah’ she’s not a looker (Jimmy Carr Quotes) I’m obsessed with TV. How wrong our parents were when they said we should only watch an hour a day. Stop wasting your time reading books (Jimmy Carr Quotes) It’s so clear cut with a comedian - you have that reflex action, whereby you laugh or you don’t. And so you either love us or you simply cannot see why people are laughing (Jimmy Carr Quotes) Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I’d stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room service (Jimmy Carr Quotes) The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you’re just finding your feet (Jimmy Carr Quotes) They say the people most affected by the credit crunch are pensioners - well, let go of the handbag then, nanna (Jimmy Carr Quotes) I don’t think it’s any coincidence that I lost my religious faith and ‘manned up’ in the same year. I was described somewhere as a lapsed Catholic, which is funny because I’m not going back! I want to achieve things rather than live life in an animalistic way (Jimmy Carr Quotes) All comedians are a bit attention-seeking and I’m no different. Anyone with the audacity to want to be listened to for an hour and a half must be (Jimmy Carr Quotes) A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, ‘Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?’ I said, ‘All right, but we won’t get much done (Jimmy Carr Quotes) I didn’t plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it’s juvenile, but that’s me (Jimmy Carr Quotes) My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called ‘Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking’. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian (Jimmy Carr Quotes) I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was ‘Shout For Help’ (Jimmy Carr Quotes) Eighteen years since the Chernobyl disaster. Is it just me surprized? Still no superheroes! (Jimmy Carr Quotes) Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that’s disappointed? Still no superheros. (Jimmy Carr Quotes) I think being successful in comedy is being funny and making jokes - anything beyond that is the icing on the cake. (Jimmy Carr Quotes) I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn’t eat before you swim. She said, why not? I said, you look fat. (Jimmy Carr Quotes) I was a Christian. I didn’t want to have sex before marriage, I was a bit uptight and not very self-confident. I was a virgin until I was 26. (Jimmy Carr Quotes) Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, Yes, who did you think it was? (Jimmy Carr Quotes) I’m not being condescending, I’m too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn’t understand. (Jimmy Carr Quotes) Saying that you don’t believe in magic but do believe in God is a bit like saying you don’t have sex with dogs, except labradors. (Jimmy Carr Quotes) In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I’m wrong, but that’s a pizza. (Jimmy Carr Quotes) I think the idea that death is not the end, that your dog’s just gone to live on the farm, is limiting. Thoughts like that prevent you from making the most of the time that you have. (Jimmy Carr Quotes) I go around the country and do a simple gag like, ‘The property ladder is now a snake’ and get a real laugh. (Jimmy Carr Quotes)

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