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Joan Rivers Quotes

And since we’re all adults here, let’s be brutally honest-most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they’re weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window Picture Quote #1

The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven’t seen one Academy Award voter with a tampon in her purse Picture Quote #1

I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it’s like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth Picture Quote #1

I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black Picture Quote #1

I think Hillary Clinton’s style is perfect. Perfect. You don’t notice what she’s wearing, you notice the woman Picture Quote #1

Mel Gibson’s father doesn’t think there was a Holocaust? Great. I don’t think there’s a movie. We’re even Picture Quote #1

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My cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception Picture Quote #1

[On plastic surgery:] My motto is: ‘Anything that can be lifted should be lifted. Anything that falls should be caught. And try to catch any falling stuff before it hits the ground Picture Quote #1

I could never be in a cult. For starters, they never accessorize properly. David Koresh had no fashion sense, Jim Jones wore leisure suits, and I don’t care how charismatic Osama bin Laden was, an AK-47 and an insulin drip do not take the place of drop earrings or a well-placed brooch Picture Quote #1

Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age Picture Quote #1

Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn’t. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm full of children. I think she got them at Costco Picture Quote #1

All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I’ll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband Picture Quote #1

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Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear Picture Quote #1

Valentine’s Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts Picture Quote #1

Show business can be an addiction. ... An audience would laugh at me one night, and I would chase that high for another three months Picture Quote #1

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would’ve been nice if he was there for the conception Picture Quote #1

My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken Picture Quote #1

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive Picture Quote #1

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Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I’m unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I’m angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I’m very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something Picture Quote #1

I never dwell on what happened. You can’t change it. Move forward. Don’t waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It’s over. Done. Move forward Picture Quote #1

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I’m being funny, but I’m reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we’re going down the tube Picture Quote #1

I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ - they sent it back and said, we don’t believe it Picture Quote #1

My mother loved entertaining, and I’ve followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays Picture Quote #1

Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head Picture Quote #1

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My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake Picture Quote #1

Sure I do a lot of jokes about Anne Frank. But when you do those jokes, it makes people remember what happened to her. That process of bringing her story back doesn’t have to be a serious one. What I say is all nonsense, but it helps to keep her memory alive Picture Quote #1

My mother told me ‘man on top, woman underneath.’ For years my husband and I slept in bunk beds Picture Quote #1

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds Picture Quote #1

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things Picture Quote #1

When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now...once he opened the car door for me in the last four years - we were on the freeway at the time Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

And since we’re all adults here, let’s be brutally honest-most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they’re weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window (Joan Rivers Quotes) The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven’t seen one Academy Award voter with a tampon in her purse (Joan Rivers Quotes) I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it’s like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth (Joan Rivers Quotes) I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black (Joan Rivers Quotes) I think Hillary Clinton’s style is perfect. Perfect. You don’t notice what she’s wearing, you notice the woman (Joan Rivers Quotes) Mel Gibson’s father doesn’t think there was a Holocaust? Great. I don’t think there’s a movie. We’re even (Joan Rivers Quotes) My cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception (Joan Rivers Quotes) [On plastic surgery:] My motto is: ‘Anything that can be lifted should be lifted. Anything that falls should be caught. And try to catch any falling stuff before it hits the ground (Joan Rivers Quotes) I could never be in a cult. For starters, they never accessorize properly. David Koresh had no fashion sense, Jim Jones wore leisure suits, and I don’t care how charismatic Osama bin Laden was, an AK-47 and an insulin drip do not take the place of drop earrings or a well-placed brooch (Joan Rivers Quotes) Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age. (Joan Rivers Quotes) Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn’t. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm full of children. I think she got them at Costco. (Joan Rivers Quotes) All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I’ll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband. (Joan Rivers Quotes) Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear. (Joan Rivers Quotes) Valentine’s Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts. (Joan Rivers Quotes) Show business can be an addiction. ... An audience would laugh at me one night, and I would chase that high for another three months. (Joan Rivers Quotes) Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would’ve been nice if he was there for the conception. (Joan Rivers Quotes) My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken. (Joan Rivers Quotes) I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive. (Joan Rivers Quotes) Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I’m unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I’m angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I’m very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something. (Joan Rivers Quotes) I never dwell on what happened. You can’t change it. Move forward. Don’t waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It’s over. Done. Move forward. (Joan Rivers Quotes) Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I’m being funny, but I’m reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we’re going down the tube. (Joan Rivers Quotes) I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ - they sent it back and said, we don’t believe it. (Joan Rivers Quotes) My mother loved entertaining, and I’ve followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays. (Joan Rivers Quotes) Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head. (Joan Rivers Quotes) My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake. (Joan Rivers Quotes) Sure I do a lot of jokes about Anne Frank. But when you do those jokes, it makes people remember what happened to her. That process of bringing her story back doesn’t have to be a serious one. What I say is all nonsense, but it helps to keep her memory alive. (Joan Rivers Quotes) My mother told me ‘man on top, woman underneath.’ For years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. (Joan Rivers Quotes) I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. (Joan Rivers Quotes) Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things. (Joan Rivers Quotes) When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now...once he opened the car door for me in the last four years - we were on the freeway at the time. (Joan Rivers Quotes)

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