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Jon Stewart Quotes

We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry Picture Quote #1

It’s great having Bruce Springsteen on my show. We have so much in common! We’re both from New Jersey, just from different neighborhoods. Sort of like how Martin Luther King and Margaret Mitchell both came from Atlanta. But from different neighborhoods Picture Quote #1

In fourteen hundred ninety-two Columbus sailed the ocean blue and discovered America. Now, some have argued Columbus actually discovered the West Indies, or that Norsemen had discovered America centuries earlier, or that you really can’t get credit for discovering a land already populated by indigenous people with a developed civilization. Those people are communists. Columbus discovered America Picture Quote #1

Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of ‘s.’ I suppose you could say ‘Merry Christmas’ and ‘Happy New Year,’ but you probably have sh*t to do Picture Quote #1

Don’t confuse [Father’s Day] with Valentine’s Day, and here’s why. Boy, will you creep him out. I can just tell you from last year, uh, even if they do like chocolate, they don’t want it from their son Picture Quote #1

You know what’s really frightening? You (Jon Stewart) actually have an influence on this presidential election. That is scary, but it’s true. You’ve got stoned slackers watching your dopey show every night and they can vote Picture Quote #1

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Happy Valentine’s Day! And if this is news to you, my guess is you’re probably alone. Valentine’s Day is often times a, well, it’s a manufactured day that really doesn’t mean anything Picture Quote #1

Welcome to The Daily Show, I’m John Oliver. Jon Stewart is still not here. He is currently living out a live-action Lord of the Rings role-playing experience deep in the New Zealand wilderness Picture Quote #1

Democrats do have a historic race going. Hillary Clinton vs. Barack Obama. Normally, when you see a black man or a woman president an asteroid is about to hit the Statue of Liberty Picture Quote #1

If it turns out that President Barack Obama can make a deal with the most intransigent, hard-line, unreasonable, totalitarian mullahs in the world but not with Republicans? Maybe he’s not the problem Picture Quote #1

Imagine Jon Stewart if he gave a damn. He’s like Howard Zinn after 12 beers Picture Quote #1

President Bush announced his new economic plan. The centerpiece was a proposed repeal of the dividend tax on stocks, a boon that could be worth millions of dollars to average Americans. Well, average stock-owning Americans. Technically, Americans who own a significant amount of shares in dividend-dealing companies. Well, rich people, that’s what I’m trying to say. They’re going to do really well with this Picture Quote #1

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Glenn Beck does have a dream. Unfortunately, it’s the kind of dream you have when you eat four pepperoni hot pockets right before bed Picture Quote #1

So Fox News is the voice of America and Obama is Stalin? Oh my God! I guess that makes me Yakov Smirnoff Picture Quote #1

We’re Jews. When you look at our pubic hair, it should look like Ewoks should be in there Picture Quote #1

Corporations are the only reason the tax code is so complicated in the first place. Those off-shore loopholes didn’t get carved out by poor people Picture Quote #1

Washington is rigged for the big guys - and no person has more consistently called them out for it than Jon Stewart. Good luck, Jon! Picture Quote #1

Child: Why on this night do we eat Hot Fudge Sundaes? Adult: To remind us that being Jewish is like having your birthday every day!! Plus they’re delicious! Picture Quote #1

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Capote, of course, addressed very similar themes to Good Night and Good Luck. Both films are about determined journalists defying obstacles in a relentless pursuit of the truth. Needless to say, both are period pieces Picture Quote #1

Attorney General John Ashcroft bid farewell to the Justice Department with a goodbye address. The voluntary resignation came as a bit of a disappointment to the attorney general, who had hoped to be raptured out of office Picture Quote #1

Please explain to me why John Kerry sounds more dickish telling the truth than Bush sounds when he’s lying. How is that possible? Picture Quote #1

Senator John McCain, who spent over five years in a Vietnamese POW camp, publicly releases 1,000 pages of medical records. Now people are left with only open nagging questions: what kind of freak has 1,000 pages of medical records? Picture Quote #1

Throughout his life, General Wesley Clark has stood up to some tough opponents. He battled the Viet Cong, and went toe-to-toe with Slobodan Milosevic. But today the retired four-star general capitulated to the fiercest enemy he’s ever confronted: the American voter Picture Quote #1

Analysis of President Bush’s tax plan has revealed that several elaborate tricks and gimmicks were used to make it look like a $1.35 trillion cut, but in reality it’s going to be closer to costing $1.8 trillion. Critics claim it’s math so fuzzy, you have to squint to see our nation’s future of subsistence farming and post-apocalyptic roving motorcycle gangs Picture Quote #1

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Much of John Kerry’s recent surge has come at the expense of Howard Dean. The situation reflected in his hot new bumper sticker, ‘Dated Dean, Married Kerry.’ It’s cute and a lot more tasteful than the alternative version, ‘Dated Dean, Married Kerry, Finger-Banged Kucinich.’ Picture Quote #1

Ralph Nader choose the man with whom to share the responsibility of running a distant third, California activist Peter Camejo. You may remember that Camejo ran for president in 1976 on the Socialist Workers Party ticket. Actually, you might only remember that if you run a lesbian, vegetarian, bookstore Picture Quote #1

The press is our immune system. If it overreacts to everything, we eventually get sicker Picture Quote #1

The Oscars is the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party Picture Quote #1

Poor Al Gore. Global warming completely debunked via the very internet you invented Picture Quote #1

That’s the beauty of our show. Comedy or politics. We’re sort of a mix. A space age polymer of both. A synthetic comedy-like material Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry (Jon Stewart Quotes) It’s great having Bruce Springsteen on my show. We have so much in common! We’re both from New Jersey, just from different neighborhoods. Sort of like how Martin Luther King and Margaret Mitchell both came from Atlanta. But from different neighborhoods (Jon Stewart Quotes) In fourteen hundred ninety-two Columbus sailed the ocean blue and discovered America. Now, some have argued Columbus actually discovered the West Indies, or that Norsemen had discovered America centuries earlier, or that you really can’t get credit for discovering a land already populated by indigenous people with a developed civilization. Those people are communists. Columbus discovered America (Jon Stewart Quotes) Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of ‘s.’ I suppose you could say ‘Merry Christmas’ and ‘Happy New Year,’ but you probably have sh*t to do (Jon Stewart Quotes) Don’t confuse [Father’s Day] with Valentine’s Day, and here’s why. Boy, will you creep him out. I can just tell you from last year, uh, even if they do like chocolate, they don’t want it from their son (Jon Stewart Quotes) You know what’s really frightening? You (Jon Stewart) actually have an influence on this presidential election. That is scary, but it’s true. You’ve got stoned slackers watching your dopey show every night and they can vote (Jon Stewart Quotes) Happy Valentine’s Day! And if this is news to you, my guess is you’re probably alone. Valentine’s Day is often times a, well, it’s a manufactured day that really doesn’t mean anything (Jon Stewart Quotes) Welcome to The Daily Show, I’m John Oliver. Jon Stewart is still not here. He is currently living out a live-action Lord of the Rings role-playing experience deep in the New Zealand wilderness (Jon Stewart Quotes) Democrats do have a historic race going. Hillary Clinton vs. Barack Obama. Normally, when you see a black man or a woman president an asteroid is about to hit the Statue of Liberty (Jon Stewart Quotes) If it turns out that President Barack Obama can make a deal with the most intransigent, hard-line, unreasonable, totalitarian mullahs in the world but not with Republicans? Maybe he’s not the problem (Jon Stewart Quotes) Imagine Jon Stewart if he gave a damn. He’s like Howard Zinn after 12 beers (Jon Stewart Quotes) President Bush announced his new economic plan. The centerpiece was a proposed repeal of the dividend tax on stocks, a boon that could be worth millions of dollars to average Americans. Well, average stock-owning Americans. Technically, Americans who own a significant amount of shares in dividend-dealing companies. Well, rich people, that’s what I’m trying to say. They’re going to do really well with this (Jon Stewart Quotes) Glenn Beck does have a dream. Unfortunately, it’s the kind of dream you have when you eat four pepperoni hot pockets right before bed (Jon Stewart Quotes) So Fox News is the voice of America and Obama is Stalin? Oh my God! I guess that makes me Yakov Smirnoff (Jon Stewart Quotes) We’re Jews. When you look at our pubic hair, it should look like Ewoks should be in there (Jon Stewart Quotes) Corporations are the only reason the tax code is so complicated in the first place. Those off-shore loopholes didn’t get carved out by poor people (Jon Stewart Quotes) Washington is rigged for the big guys - and no person has more consistently called them out for it than Jon Stewart. Good luck, Jon! (Jon Stewart Quotes) Child: Why on this night do we eat Hot Fudge Sundaes? Adult: To remind us that being Jewish is like having your birthday every day!! Plus they’re delicious! (Jon Stewart Quotes) Capote, of course, addressed very similar themes to Good Night and Good Luck. Both films are about determined journalists defying obstacles in a relentless pursuit of the truth. Needless to say, both are period pieces (Jon Stewart Quotes) Attorney General John Ashcroft bid farewell to the Justice Department with a goodbye address. The voluntary resignation came as a bit of a disappointment to the attorney general, who had hoped to be raptured out of office (Jon Stewart Quotes) Please explain to me why John Kerry sounds more dickish telling the truth than Bush sounds when he’s lying. How is that possible? (Jon Stewart Quotes) Senator John McCain, who spent over five years in a Vietnamese POW camp, publicly releases 1,000 pages of medical records. Now people are left with only open nagging questions: what kind of freak has 1,000 pages of medical records? (Jon Stewart Quotes) Throughout his life, General Wesley Clark has stood up to some tough opponents. He battled the Viet Cong, and went toe-to-toe with Slobodan Milosevic. But today the retired four-star general capitulated to the fiercest enemy he’s ever confronted: the American voter (Jon Stewart Quotes) Analysis of President Bush’s tax plan has revealed that several elaborate tricks and gimmicks were used to make it look like a $1.35 trillion cut, but in reality it’s going to be closer to costing $1.8 trillion. Critics claim it’s math so fuzzy, you have to squint to see our nation’s future of subsistence farming and post-apocalyptic roving motorcycle gangs (Jon Stewart Quotes) Much of John Kerry’s recent surge has come at the expense of Howard Dean. The situation reflected in his hot new bumper sticker, ‘Dated Dean, Married Kerry.’ It’s cute and a lot more tasteful than the alternative version, ‘Dated Dean, Married Kerry, Finger-Banged Kucinich.’ (Jon Stewart Quotes) Ralph Nader choose the man with whom to share the responsibility of running a distant third, California activist Peter Camejo. You may remember that Camejo ran for president in 1976 on the Socialist Workers Party ticket. Actually, you might only remember that if you run a lesbian, vegetarian, bookstore (Jon Stewart Quotes) The press is our immune system. If it overreacts to everything, we eventually get sicker (Jon Stewart Quotes) The Oscars is the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party (Jon Stewart Quotes) Poor Al Gore. Global warming completely debunked via the very internet you invented (Jon Stewart Quotes) That’s the beauty of our show. Comedy or politics. We’re sort of a mix. A space age polymer of both. A synthetic comedy-like material (Jon Stewart Quotes)

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