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Jon Stewart Quotes

You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning Picture Quote #1

The bias of the mainstream media is toward sensationalism, conflict, and laziness Picture Quote #1

Parenthood is an amazing opportunity to be able to ruin someone from scratch Picture Quote #1

Bad jokes and gay marriage are destroying this country. But torture can save it Picture Quote #1

Wow, the entire network of anchors has been hired to be the press secretary Picture Quote #1

The danger of oppression is not just being oppressed, it’s becoming an oppressor Picture Quote #1

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You can truly grieve for every officer who’s been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach, those two ideas are not mutually exclusive. You can have great regard for law enforcement and still want them to be held to high standards Picture Quote #1

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food Picture Quote #1

Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's a series of pendulum swings Picture Quote #1

Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work? Picture Quote #1

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land Picture Quote #1

I'm too short to host a late night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement park ride. You have to be six foot two or over Picture Quote #1

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I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days Picture Quote #1

More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn't even know they had Picture Quote #1

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader Picture Quote #1

The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote... So look for Howard Stern's Private Parts to come in No. 1 Picture Quote #1

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it! Picture Quote #1

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea Picture Quote #1

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Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, britain and Spain Picture Quote #1

Little and hairy. But if want to go with smart and stylish then hey, more power to them. Good luck Picture Quote #1

I've always run by the hierarchy of If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something Picture Quote #1

You wake up and you're still a little drunk and you can't believe that hot girl from last night actually has a beard and a penis Picture Quote #1

Apparently, they say, broke his hip. I think it's not the case. I believe his hip tried to escape Picture Quote #1

Everybody thought Barack Obama was going to when he came to Washington, but, you know, the Senate seems like the place where smart people go to die Picture Quote #1

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Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard Picture Quote #1

Reform Jews are the children of Conservative Jews, or as they are sometimes known, Christians with curlier hair Picture Quote #1

1300 BC: God gives Ten Commandments to Israelites, making them His Chosen People and granting them eternal protection under Divine Law. Nothing bad ever happens to Jews again Picture Quote #1

You're on CNN. The show that leads into me is puppets making crank phone calls. What is wrong with you? Picture Quote #1

We look at, the absurdity of the system provides us the most material. and that is best served by sort of the theater of it all, you know, which, by the way, thank you both, because it's been helpful Picture Quote #1

You know what's interesting, though? You're as big a dick on your show as you are on any show Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning (Jon Stewart Quotes) The bias of the mainstream media is toward sensationalism, conflict, and laziness (Jon Stewart Quotes) Parenthood is an amazing opportunity to be able to ruin someone from scratch (Jon Stewart Quotes) Bad jokes and gay marriage are destroying this country. But torture can save it (Jon Stewart Quotes) Wow, the entire network of anchors has been hired to be the press secretary (Jon Stewart Quotes) The danger of oppression is not just being oppressed, it’s becoming an oppressor (Jon Stewart Quotes) You can truly grieve for every officer who’s been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach, those two ideas are not mutually exclusive. You can have great regard for law enforcement and still want them to be held to high standards (Jon Stewart Quotes) I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food (Jon Stewart Quotes) Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's a series of pendulum swings (Jon Stewart Quotes) Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work? (Jon Stewart Quotes) I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land (Jon Stewart Quotes) I'm too short to host a late night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement park ride. You have to be six foot two or over (Jon Stewart Quotes) I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days (Jon Stewart Quotes) More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn't even know they had (Jon Stewart Quotes) President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader (Jon Stewart Quotes) The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote... So look for Howard Stern's Private Parts to come in No. 1 (Jon Stewart Quotes) There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it! (Jon Stewart Quotes) We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea (Jon Stewart Quotes) Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, britain and Spain (Jon Stewart Quotes) Little and hairy. But if want to go with smart and stylish then hey, more power to them. Good luck (Jon Stewart Quotes) I've always run by the hierarchy of If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something (Jon Stewart Quotes) You wake up and you're still a little drunk and you can't believe that hot girl from last night actually has a beard and a penis (Jon Stewart Quotes) Apparently, they say, broke his hip. I think it's not the case. I believe his hip tried to escape (Jon Stewart Quotes) Everybody thought Barack Obama was going to when he came to Washington, but, you know, the Senate seems like the place where smart people go to die (Jon Stewart Quotes) Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard (Jon Stewart Quotes) Reform Jews are the children of Conservative Jews, or as they are sometimes known, Christians with curlier hair (Jon Stewart Quotes) 1300 BC: God gives Ten Commandments to Israelites, making them His Chosen People and granting them eternal protection under Divine Law. Nothing bad ever happens to Jews again (Jon Stewart Quotes) You're on CNN. The show that leads into me is puppets making crank phone calls. What is wrong with you? (Jon Stewart Quotes) We look at, the absurdity of the system provides us the most material. and that is best served by sort of the theater of it all, you know, which, by the way, thank you both, because it's been helpful (Jon Stewart Quotes) You know what's interesting, though? You're as big a dick on your show as you are on any show (Jon Stewart Quotes)

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