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Lewis Black Quotes

I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing. No health insurance, so if something happened I was screwed. I was lucky my parents had money and my brother was willing to support me for a long time. Once I started doing standup, I had an income, and that was amazing to me Picture Quote #1

I love anything that gets me outside of my own head. I love music because it’s really just - I tried to play piano as a kid. I was awful. It didn’t help, and this is absolutely true, that my piano teacher had arthritis. And that’s not a good way to learn Picture Quote #1

Now, they say that New Zealand is beautiful and I do not know -- because after 22 hours on a plane any landmass would be beautiful Picture Quote #1

When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn’t be here. You should be shopping. Our economy depends on you! You should be out there buying stuff.’ Picture Quote #1

I had more material on weather than anyone else, I guess, ... back when I was traveling a lot on the road as a standup comic, between airport security and the weather... I just wanted to be prepared for sitting in the airport Picture Quote #1

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I’m concerned Picture Quote #1

When you compare Christmas to Hanukkah, there’s no comparison. Christmas is great. Hanukkah sucks! First night you get socks. Second night, an eraser, a notebook. It’s a Back-to-School holiday! Picture Quote #1

The Republicans are the party of bad ideas. The Democrats are the party of no ideas Picture Quote #1

We have a two-party system: The Democratic Party, which is a party of NO ideas, and the Republican Party, which is a party of BAD ideas Picture Quote #1

The thing is, whenever I see Hillary Clinton, I feel like I have to vote for her. She makes me feel guilty because I feel like I should vote for her so that she’ll feel better about herself because she’d been in such a bad marriage Picture Quote #1

Democrats should be focused on which way we can help the most people in this country, and Republicans should be focused on how to do that in the most fiscally responsible manner possible Picture Quote #1

It’s a big thing now: A lot of people want to be assistants to celebrities. If you’re pursuing that, you’re an idiot. You’re a moron. The shortest distance between two points is not a celebrity, or being next to a celebrity Picture Quote #1

Interesting thing about being rich is once you pay your taxes, you’re still rich Picture Quote #1

This is what I’ve been waiting for my whole life. A President who’s not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a**hole Picture Quote #1

One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I’m still going to be rich Picture Quote #1

It took forever for me to get work because I was a political comic, and now it’s become good business, and God knows how long that’ll last. You have to do it night after night after night to kind of make it. I still find myself on ‘Piers Morgan’ or on some show and I think, ‘I hope this is funny.’ Picture Quote #1

I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I’m not Picture Quote #1

No matter what, your parents are going to worry about you. I had a tour bus, and my mother still thought I was broke. Remember: It’s your life, not theirs. Just because your parents sent you to college doesn’t mean they bought the rest of your life Picture Quote #1

Most of the longer-term relationships I’ve known have been gay relationships. They seem to be able to hang out longer Picture Quote #1

When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they’ve lost their grip Picture Quote #1

I have N’Sync and Aerosmith and Britney Spears. I have a trifecta from hell Picture Quote #1

Equestrian, by the by, is the gayest word in the English language. In fact, I thought Brokeback Mountain should have been called Two Equestrians Picture Quote #1

I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it’s a healthy outlet for them. If they weren’t covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they’d be doing something that was really, really creepy Picture Quote #1

If we’re not going to tax the rich anymore, we’re going to create class warfare Picture Quote #1

Johnny Vassilaros is the man who has created the finest cup of coffee ever served in the city of New York Picture Quote #1

See... What I felt they should have done, for our first public works project, is build a giant wall... across the entire border of Canada. Because that’s where the cold air comes from Picture Quote #1

Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it’s the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green Picture Quote #1

The last person to get across that town in under three hours was yelling The British are coming! The British are coming! Picture Quote #1

The tortoise moves very slowly, it moves towards whatever the goal is, to keep a democratic capitalistic society functioning Picture Quote #1

The kids say golf taught them this and that. I get it with the military: A guy joins the military because he needs discipline and has to find himself. But don’t tell me, ‘Golf helps you find yourself.’ I’ve been playing my whole life, and I’m still looking for myself Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

Text Quotes

I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing. No health insurance, so if something happened I was screwed. I was lucky my parents had money and my brother was willing to support me for a long time. Once I started doing standup, I had an income, and that was amazing to me (Lewis Black Quotes) I love anything that gets me outside of my own head. I love music because it’s really just - I tried to play piano as a kid. I was awful. It didn’t help, and this is absolutely true, that my piano teacher had arthritis. And that’s not a good way to learn (Lewis Black Quotes) Now, they say that New Zealand is beautiful and I do not know -- because after 22 hours on a plane any landmass would be beautiful. (Lewis Black Quotes) When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn’t be here. You should be shopping. Our economy depends on you! You should be out there buying stuff.’ (Lewis Black Quotes) I had more material on weather than anyone else, I guess, ... back when I was traveling a lot on the road as a standup comic, between airport security and the weather... I just wanted to be prepared for sitting in the airport. (Lewis Black Quotes) You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I’m concerned (Lewis Black Quotes) When you compare Christmas to Hanukkah, there’s no comparison. Christmas is great. Hanukkah sucks! First night you get socks. Second night, an eraser, a notebook. It’s a Back-to-School holiday! (Lewis Black Quotes) The Republicans are the party of bad ideas. The Democrats are the party of no ideas. (Lewis Black Quotes) We have a two-party system: The Democratic Party, which is a party of NO ideas, and the Republican Party, which is a party of BAD ideas. (Lewis Black Quotes) The thing is, whenever I see Hillary Clinton, I feel like I have to vote for her. She makes me feel guilty because I feel like I should vote for her so that she’ll feel better about herself because she’d been in such a bad marriage. (Lewis Black Quotes) Democrats should be focused on which way we can help the most people in this country, and Republicans should be focused on how to do that in the most fiscally responsible manner possible. (Lewis Black Quotes) It’s a big thing now: A lot of people want to be assistants to celebrities. If you’re pursuing that, you’re an idiot. You’re a moron. The shortest distance between two points is not a celebrity, or being next to a celebrity. (Lewis Black Quotes) Interesting thing about being rich is once you pay your taxes, you’re still rich (Lewis Black Quotes) This is what I’ve been waiting for my whole life. A President who’s not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a**hole. (Lewis Black Quotes) One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I’m still going to be rich. (Lewis Black Quotes) It took forever for me to get work because I was a political comic, and now it’s become good business, and God knows how long that’ll last. You have to do it night after night after night to kind of make it. I still find myself on ‘Piers Morgan’ or on some show and I think, ‘I hope this is funny.’ (Lewis Black Quotes) I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I’m not (Lewis Black Quotes) No matter what, your parents are going to worry about you. I had a tour bus, and my mother still thought I was broke. Remember: It’s your life, not theirs. Just because your parents sent you to college doesn’t mean they bought the rest of your life. (Lewis Black Quotes) Most of the longer-term relationships I’ve known have been gay relationships. They seem to be able to hang out longer. (Lewis Black Quotes) When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they’ve lost their grip (Lewis Black Quotes) I have N’Sync and Aerosmith and Britney Spears. I have a trifecta from hell. (Lewis Black Quotes) Equestrian, by the by, is the gayest word in the English language. In fact, I thought Brokeback Mountain should have been called Two Equestrians. (Lewis Black Quotes) I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it’s a healthy outlet for them. If they weren’t covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they’d be doing something that was really, really creepy. (Lewis Black Quotes) If we’re not going to tax the rich anymore, we’re going to create class warfare (Lewis Black Quotes) Johnny Vassilaros is the man who has created the finest cup of coffee ever served in the city of New York. (Lewis Black Quotes) See... What I felt they should have done, for our first public works project, is build a giant wall... across the entire border of Canada. Because that’s where the cold air comes from. (Lewis Black Quotes) Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it’s the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green. (Lewis Black Quotes) The last person to get across that town in under three hours was yelling The British are coming! The British are coming! (Lewis Black Quotes) The tortoise moves very slowly, it moves towards whatever the goal is, to keep a democratic capitalistic society functioning. (Lewis Black Quotes) The kids say golf taught them this and that. I get it with the military: A guy joins the military because he needs discipline and has to find himself. But don’t tell me, ‘Golf helps you find yourself.’ I’ve been playing my whole life, and I’m still looking for myself. (Lewis Black Quotes)

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