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Mark Twain Quotes
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Friendship Quotes
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Text Quotes
What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey (Mark Twain Quotes)
To be, or not to be; that is the bare bodkin That makes calamity of so long life; (Mark Twain Quotes)
Sufficient unto the day is one baby. As long as you are in your right mind don’t you ever pray for twins. Twins amount to a permanent riot; and there ain’t any real difference between triplets and a insurrection. - The Babies speech 1879 (Mark Twain Quotes)
The Bible has noble poetry in it... and some good morals and a wealth of obscenity, and upwards of a thousand lies (Mark Twain Quotes)
In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language (Mark Twain Quotes)
Where is it written that if you don’t like religion you are somehow disqualified from being a legitimate American? What was Mark Twain, a Russian? (Mark Twain Quotes)
I always take Scotch whiskey at night as a preventive of toothache. I have never had the toothache; and what is more, I never intend to have it (Mark Twain Quotes)
December is the toughest month of the year. Others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, October, August, and February (Mark Twain Quotes)
The proverb says that Providence protects children and idiots. This is really true. I know because I have tested it (Mark Twain Quotes)
I ascribe to Mark Twain’s theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House (Mark Twain Quotes)
One must travel, to learn. Every day, now, old Scriptural phrases that never possessed any significance for me before, take to themselves a meaning (Mark Twain Quotes)
If you want me to give you a two-hour presentation, I am ready today. If you want only a five-minute speech, it will take me two weeks to prepare (Mark Twain Quotes)
The joy of killing! the joy of seeing killing done - these are traits of the human race at large (Mark Twain Quotes)
A man once said, ‘All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.’ Mark Twain, you know. He had a fine mustache. Men of wisdom so often do (Mark Twain Quotes)
What God lacks is convictions- stability of character. He ought to be a Presbyterian or a Catholic or something- not try to be everything (Mark Twain Quotes)
Humor must be one of the chief attributes of God. Plants and animals that are distinctly humorous in form and characteristics are God’s jokes (Mark Twain Quotes)
I pity the fellow who has to create a dialect or paraphrase the dictionary to get laughs. I can’t spell, but I have never stooped to spell cat with a ‘k’ to get at your funny bone. I love a drink, but I never encouraged drunkenness by harping on its alleged funny side (Mark Twain Quotes)
English humor is hard to appreciate, though, unless you are trained to it. The English papers, in reporting my speeches, always put ‘laughter’ in the wrong place (Mark Twain Quotes)
In God We Trust. I don’t believe it would sound any better if it were true (Mark Twain Quotes)
I do not know what we should do without the pulpit. We could better spare the sun-the moon, anyway (Mark Twain Quotes)
A religion that comes of thought, and study, and deliberate conviction, sticks best. The revivalized convert who is scared in the direction of heaven because he sees hell yawn suddenly behind him, not only regains confidence when his scare is over, but is ashamed of himself for being scared, and often becomes more hopelessly and malignantly wicked than he was before (Mark Twain Quotes)
The Koran does not permit Mohammedans to drink. Their natural instincts do not permit them to be moral. They say the Sultan has eight hundred wives. This almost amounts to bigamy (Mark Twain Quotes)
Two days overdue, THE WORLD’S WORK has not reached me. Pray make a note of this. I would rather not have to resort to violence (Mark Twain Quotes)
I had longed to be a butterfly, and I was one at last. I attended private parties in sumptuous evening dress, simpered and aired my graces like a born beau, and polkaed and schoisched with a step peculiar to myself - and the kangaroo (Mark Twain Quotes)
It was on the 10th day of May - 1884 - that I confessed to age by mounting spectacles for the first time, and in the same hour I renewed my youth, to outward appearance, by mounting a bicycle for the first time. The spectacles stayed on (Mark Twain Quotes)
I am an anti-imperialist. I am opposed to having the eagle put its talons on any other land (Mark Twain Quotes)
The statesmen will invent cheap lies, putting the blame upon the nation that is being attacked, and every man will be glad of these conscience-soothing falsities (Mark Twain Quotes)
Give an Irishman lager for a month and he’s a dead man. An Irishman’s stomach is lined with copper, and the beer corrodes it. But whiskey polishes the copper and is the saving of him (Mark Twain Quotes)
Such is luck! And such the treatment which honest, good perservance gets so often at the hands of unfair and malicious Nature! (Mark Twain Quotes)
All my life I have been honest-comparatively honest. I could never use money I had not made honestly-I could only lend it (Mark Twain Quotes)