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Marya Hornbacher Quotes

This is the very boring part of eating disorders, the aftermath. When you eat and hate that you eat. And yet of course you must eat. You don’t really entertain the notion of going back. You, with some startling new level of clarity, realize that going back would be far worse than simply being as you are. This is obvious to anyone without an eating disorder. This is not always obvious to you Picture Quote #1

I have never been normal about my body. It has always seemed to me a strange and foreign entity. I don’t know that there was ever a time when I was not conscious of it. As far back as I can think, I was aware of my own corporeality, my physical imposition on space Picture Quote #1

I do not remember very many things from the inside out. I do not remember what it felt like to touch things, or how bathwater traveled over my skin. I did not like to be touched, but it was a strange dislike. I did not like to be touched because I craved it too much. I wanted to be held very tight so I would not break. Even now, when people lean down to touch me, or hug me, or put a hand on my shoulder, I hold my breath. I turn my face. I want to cry Picture Quote #1

I have a remarkable ability to delete all better judgement from my brain when I get my head set on something. I have no sense of moderation, no sense of caution. I have no sense pretty much Picture Quote #1

I have not lost my fascination with death. I have not become a noticeably less intense person. I have not, nor will I ever, completely lose the longing for that something, that thing that I believe will fill an emptiness inside me. I do believe that the emptiness was made greater by the things that I did to myself Picture Quote #1

In her presence, I was reminded again of why I was an anoretic: fear. Of my needs, for food, for sleep, for touch, for simple conversation, for human contact, for love. I was an anoretic because I was afraid of being human. Implicit in human contact is the exposure of the self, the interaction of the selves. The self I’d had, once upon a time, was too much. Now there was no self at all. I was a blank Picture Quote #1

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Soon madness has worn you down. It’s easier to do what it says than argue. In this way, it takes over your mind. You no longer know where it ends and you begin. You believe anything it says. You do what it tells you, no matter how extreme or absurd. If it says you’re worthless, you agree. You plead for it to stop. You promise to behave. You are on your knees before it, and it laughs Picture Quote #1

In our absence, the violet early evening light pours in the bay window, filling the still room like water poured into a glass. The glass is delicate. The thin, tight surface of the liquid light trembles. But it does not break. Time does not pass. Not yet Picture Quote #1

All of us carry around countless bags of dusty old knickknacks dated from childhood: collected resentments, long list of wounds of greater or lesser significance, glorified memories, absolute certainties that later turn out to be wrong. Humans are emotional pack rats. These bags define us Picture Quote #1

You wake up one morning and there it is, sitting in an old plaid bathrobe in your kitchen, unpleasant and unshaved. You look at it, heart sinking. Madness is a rotten guest Picture Quote #1

Somewhere in the back of my brain there exists this certainty: The body is no more than a costume, and can be changed at will. That the changing of bodies, like costumes, would make me into a different character, a character who might, finally, be alright Picture Quote #1

The anoretic operates under the astounding illusion that she can escape the flesh, and, by association, the realm of emotions Picture Quote #1

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All of us have theories about the world and about ourselves. We will go to great lengths to prove ourselves right because it keeps the world in our head coherent and understandable Picture Quote #1

I had a love affair with books, with characters and their words. Books kept me company. When the voices of the book faded, as with the last long chord of a record, the back cover crinkling closed, I could swear I heard a door click shut Picture Quote #1

We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need Picture Quote #1

It is, at the most basic level, a bundle of contradictions: a desire for power that strips you of all power. A gesture of strength that divests you of all strength Picture Quote #1

Never, never underestimate the power of desire. If you want to live badly enough, you can live. The great question, at least for me, was: How do I decide I want to live? Picture Quote #1

That’s the nice thing about dreams, the way you wake up before you fall Picture Quote #1

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My bones are brittle, my heart weak and erratic, my esophagus and stomach riddled with ulcers, my reproductive system shot, my immune system useless... I’m not going to have a happy ending Picture Quote #1

I grew into it. It grew into me. It and I blurred at the edges, became one amorphous, seeping, crawling thing Picture Quote #1

We think of bulimia and anorexia as either a bizarre psychosis, or as a quirky little habit, a phase, or as a thing that women just do. We forget that it is a violent act, that it bespeaks a profound level of anger toward and fear of the self Picture Quote #1

And yet you are all that you have, so you must be enough. There is no other way Picture Quote #1

Me and my needs were driving my mother away. Me and my needs retreated to my closet, disappeared into fairy tales. I started making up a world where my needs wouldn´t exist at all Picture Quote #1

... Someone speaks in soft tones to me and says I am psychotic, but it’s going to be all right. I put on my hat, unperturbed, and ask for some crayons Picture Quote #1

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Madness strips you of memory and leaves you scrabbling around on the floor of your brain for the snatches and snippets of what happened, what was said, and when Picture Quote #1

For me, the first sign of oncoming madness is that I’m unable to write Picture Quote #1

The joy is an absurd yellow tulip, popping up in my life, contradicting all the evidence that shows it should not be there Picture Quote #1

We were at another funeral party. I wasn’t sure who had died this time, but it was a suicide, and upsetting because it was completely out of season. No on killed themselves in summertime. It was rude Picture Quote #1

I mean, we all know the dangers of starving, but bulimia? That can’t be that bad. It’s only bad when you get really thin. Who worries about bulimics? They’re just gross Picture Quote #1

The madness is there, and will always be there. But it will keep sleeping, as long as I don’t wake it up Picture Quote #1

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This is the very boring part of eating disorders, the aftermath. When you eat and hate that you eat. And yet of course you must eat. You don’t really entertain the notion of going back. You, with some startling new level of clarity, realize that going back would be far worse than simply being as you are. This is obvious to anyone without an eating disorder. This is not always obvious to you (Marya Hornbacher Quotes) I have never been normal about my body. It has always seemed to me a strange and foreign entity. I don’t know that there was ever a time when I was not conscious of it. As far back as I can think, I was aware of my own corporeality, my physical imposition on space (Marya Hornbacher Quotes) I do not remember very many things from the inside out. I do not remember what it felt like to touch things, or how bathwater traveled over my skin. I did not like to be touched, but it was a strange dislike. I did not like to be touched because I craved it too much. I wanted to be held very tight so I would not break. Even now, when people lean down to touch me, or hug me, or put a hand on my shoulder, I hold my breath. I turn my face. I want to cry (Marya Hornbacher Quotes) I have a remarkable ability to delete all better judgement from my brain when I get my head set on something. I have no sense of moderation, no sense of caution. I have no sense pretty much (Marya Hornbacher Quotes) I have not lost my fascination with death. I have not become a noticeably less intense person. I have not, nor will I ever, completely lose the longing for that something, that thing that I believe will fill an emptiness inside me. I do believe that the emptiness was made greater by the things that I did to myself (Marya Hornbacher Quotes) In her presence, I was reminded again of why I was an anoretic: fear. Of my needs, for food, for sleep, for touch, for simple conversation, for human contact, for love. I was an anoretic because I was afraid of being human. Implicit in human contact is the exposure of the self, the interaction of the selves. The self I’d had, once upon a time, was too much. Now there was no self at all. I was a blank (Marya Hornbacher Quotes) Soon madness has worn you down. It’s easier to do what it says than argue. In this way, it takes over your mind. You no longer know where it ends and you begin. You believe anything it says. You do what it tells you, no matter how extreme or absurd. If it says you’re worthless, you agree. You plead for it to stop. You promise to behave. You are on your knees before it, and it laughs (Marya Hornbacher Quotes) In our absence, the violet early evening light pours in the bay window, filling the still room like water poured into a glass. The glass is delicate. The thin, tight surface of the liquid light trembles. But it does not break. Time does not pass. Not yet (Marya Hornbacher Quotes) All of us carry around countless bags of dusty old knickknacks dated from childhood: collected resentments, long list of wounds of greater or lesser significance, glorified memories, absolute certainties that later turn out to be wrong. Humans are emotional pack rats. These bags define us (Marya Hornbacher Quotes) You wake up one morning and there it is, sitting in an old plaid bathrobe in your kitchen, unpleasant and unshaved. You look at it, heart sinking. Madness is a rotten guest (Marya Hornbacher Quotes) Somewhere in the back of my brain there exists this certainty: The body is no more than a costume, and can be changed at will. That the changing of bodies, like costumes, would make me into a different character, a character who might, finally, be alright (Marya Hornbacher Quotes) The anoretic operates under the astounding illusion that she can escape the flesh, and, by association, the realm of emotions (Marya Hornbacher Quotes) All of us have theories about the world and about ourselves. We will go to great lengths to prove ourselves right because it keeps the world in our head coherent and understandable (Marya Hornbacher Quotes) I had a love affair with books, with characters and their words. Books kept me company. When the voices of the book faded, as with the last long chord of a record, the back cover crinkling closed, I could swear I heard a door click shut (Marya Hornbacher Quotes) We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need (Marya Hornbacher Quotes) It is, at the most basic level, a bundle of contradictions: a desire for power that strips you of all power. A gesture of strength that divests you of all strength (Marya Hornbacher Quotes) Never, never underestimate the power of desire. If you want to live badly enough, you can live. The great question, at least for me, was: How do I decide I want to live? (Marya Hornbacher Quotes) That’s the nice thing about dreams, the way you wake up before you fall (Marya Hornbacher Quotes) My bones are brittle, my heart weak and erratic, my esophagus and stomach riddled with ulcers, my reproductive system shot, my immune system useless... I’m not going to have a happy ending (Marya Hornbacher Quotes) I grew into it. It grew into me. It and I blurred at the edges, became one amorphous, seeping, crawling thing (Marya Hornbacher Quotes) We think of bulimia and anorexia as either a bizarre psychosis, or as a quirky little habit, a phase, or as a thing that women just do. We forget that it is a violent act, that it bespeaks a profound level of anger toward and fear of the self (Marya Hornbacher Quotes) And yet you are all that you have, so you must be enough. There is no other way (Marya Hornbacher Quotes) Me and my needs were driving my mother away. Me and my needs retreated to my closet, disappeared into fairy tales. I started making up a world where my needs wouldn´t exist at all (Marya Hornbacher Quotes) ... Someone speaks in soft tones to me and says I am psychotic, but it’s going to be all right. I put on my hat, unperturbed, and ask for some crayons (Marya Hornbacher Quotes) Madness strips you of memory and leaves you scrabbling around on the floor of your brain for the snatches and snippets of what happened, what was said, and when (Marya Hornbacher Quotes) For me, the first sign of oncoming madness is that I’m unable to write (Marya Hornbacher Quotes) The joy is an absurd yellow tulip, popping up in my life, contradicting all the evidence that shows it should not be there (Marya Hornbacher Quotes) We were at another funeral party. I wasn’t sure who had died this time, but it was a suicide, and upsetting because it was completely out of season. No on killed themselves in summertime. It was rude (Marya Hornbacher Quotes) I mean, we all know the dangers of starving, but bulimia? That can’t be that bad. It’s only bad when you get really thin. Who worries about bulimics? They’re just gross (Marya Hornbacher Quotes) The madness is there, and will always be there. But it will keep sleeping, as long as I don’t wake it up (Marya Hornbacher Quotes)

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