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Milton Berle Quotes
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Friendship Quotes
Love Quotes
Life Quotes
Funny Quotes
Motivational Quotes
Inspirational Quotes
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Text Quotes
Laughter is an instant vacation (Milton Berle Quotes)
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door (Milton Berle Quotes)
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think (Milton Berle Quotes)
My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother (Milton Berle Quotes)
Valentine’s Day is like Armistice Day - you declare a truce (Milton Berle Quotes)
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong (Milton Berle Quotes)
I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm (Milton Berle Quotes)
Experience is what you have after you’ve forgotten her name (Milton Berle Quotes)
Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand - and they feel glorious (Milton Berle Quotes)
I’d rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I’d rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are (Milton Berle Quotes)
All my wife wanted for Valentine’s Day was a little card - American Express (Milton Berle Quotes)
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? (Milton Berle Quotes)
A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living. (Milton Berle Quotes)
I don’t mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you’re insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon. (Milton Berle Quotes)
This man’s wife told him, For Christmas, surprise me. On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, Boo! (Milton Berle Quotes)
I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, It doesn’t do anything. It’s just a Christmas gift. (Milton Berle Quotes)
It’s always consoling to know that today’s Christmas gifts are tomorrow’s garage sales (Milton Berle Quotes)
At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked. (Milton Berle Quotes)
One of those Christmas songs says, You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout. How’s my wife going to get along? (Milton Berle Quotes)
Valentine’s Day - a nice holiday because it’s the first day of the rest of your wife (Milton Berle Quotes)
Valentine’s Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot (Milton Berle Quotes)
Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help. (Milton Berle Quotes)
If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door, but only as long as it’s not visible from the street. (Milton Berle Quotes)
I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he’s working (Milton Berle Quotes)
On Valentine’s Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse (Milton Berle Quotes)
My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul. That’s just like her. She kept the good parts for herself. (Milton Berle Quotes)
Money can’t buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places. (Milton Berle Quotes)
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours (Milton Berle Quotes)
They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones (Milton Berle Quotes)
It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales (Milton Berle Quotes)