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Mitch Hedberg Quotes

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower Picture Quote #1

A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef Picture Quote #1

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too Picture Quote #1

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps Picture Quote #1

Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having Picture Quote #1

No, I was just good at holding ice cream cones Picture Quote #1

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Then let’s print up some flyers! Picture Quote #1

I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language Picture Quote #1

We don’t have to fix anything Picture Quote #1

Onions make me sad. A lot of people don’t realize that Picture Quote #1

I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves Picture Quote #1

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage Picture Quote #1

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People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on Picture Quote #1

I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat Picture Quote #1

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too Picture Quote #1

To the people in the bathroom: How’s it going in there? Picture Quote #1

I had one anchovy, that’s why I didn’t have two anchovies Picture Quote #1

Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, ‘I’m gonna go shave, too.’ Picture Quote #1

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I’m not into sports. I mean...I like Gatorade, but that’s as far as it goes Picture Quote #1

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen Picture Quote #1

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That’s like a free compliment and you don’t even gotta be smart to notice it Picture Quote #1

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.’ Picture Quote #1

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something Picture Quote #1

On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’ Picture Quote #1

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What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you’re feeling sick but sociable Picture Quote #1

Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved Picture Quote #1

I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, ‘man, just be yourself.’ Picture Quote #1

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need to dial 9 I say Yeah. Especially if it’s in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick Picture Quote #1

Swiss Cheese is a rip-off It’s the only cheese I can bite into and miss Picture Quote #1

It’s hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa Where’s my wallet But, hey this song is funky Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) No, I was just good at holding ice cream cones (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) Then let’s print up some flyers! (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) We don’t have to fix anything (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) Onions make me sad. A lot of people don’t realize that (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) To the people in the bathroom: How’s it going in there? (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I had one anchovy, that’s why I didn’t have two anchovies (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, ‘I’m gonna go shave, too.’ (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I’m not into sports. I mean...I like Gatorade, but that’s as far as it goes (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That’s like a free compliment and you don’t even gotta be smart to notice it (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.’ (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’ (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you’re feeling sick but sociable (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, ‘man, just be yourself.’ (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need to dial 9 I say Yeah. Especially if it’s in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) Swiss Cheese is a rip-off It’s the only cheese I can bite into and miss (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) It’s hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa Where’s my wallet But, hey this song is funky (Mitch Hedberg Quotes)

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