|

|

Advertisements

Mitch Hedberg Quotes

That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, It’s cool, he’s with me Picture Quote #1

My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you’re going to quiz me you have to insert a pause Picture Quote #1

I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said ‘Where do you see yourself in five years?’ I said, ‘Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!’ Picture Quote #1

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly Picture Quote #1

I got a king-sized bed. I don’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he’d be comfortable Picture Quote #1

Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn’t even get his degree Picture Quote #1

Advertisements

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide Picture Quote #1

I like baked potatoes. I don’t have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I’ll just throw one in there, even if I don’t want one, because by the time it’s done, who knows? Picture Quote #1

I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord Picture Quote #1

I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That’s simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? Yeah, but they’re comfortable! Picture Quote #1

Y’know, you can’t please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show Picture Quote #1

I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, Doesn’t wine give you a headache? Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing! Picture Quote #1

Advertisements

I read that MTV’s Real World got 40,000 applications. That’s amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008 Picture Quote #1

A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he’s afflicted, but I’m not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I’d get all mad. Come on, man, there has to be more to that story Picture Quote #1

If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly Picture Quote #1

I’ve never stayed at a bed and breakfast. If I did, I figure you would start to get hungry! Is that all you got around here? Well, maybe you can direct me to a chair lunch dinner Picture Quote #1

I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don’t relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military Picture Quote #1

I don’t think stand-up is being appreciated as much as it could be and I don’t think it has for a long time. There’s some great stand-up comics who come to a town and if they’re not a name, they don’t attract a crowd but in reality there are brilliant people out there Picture Quote #1

Advertisements

I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before Picture Quote #1

2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That’s why 2 was created Picture Quote #1

I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match It’s a fight to the finish. That’s a good place to end Picture Quote #1

Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I’m in front of a fireplace, I’m hilarious Picture Quote #1

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong Picture Quote #1

I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That’s what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme a call, maybe we’ll have lunch. If I’m lucky! Picture Quote #1

Advertisements

I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50 Picture Quote #1

If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out Picture Quote #1

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late Picture Quote #1

I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job at Mrs. Paul’s Picture Quote #1

I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi circle Picture Quote #1

I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids Picture Quote #1

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

Advertisements

Text Quotes

That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, It’s cool, he’s with me (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you’re going to quiz me you have to insert a pause (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said ‘Where do you see yourself in five years?’ I said, ‘Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!’ (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I got a king-sized bed. I don’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he’d be comfortable (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn’t even get his degree (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I like baked potatoes. I don’t have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I’ll just throw one in there, even if I don’t want one, because by the time it’s done, who knows? (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That’s simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? Yeah, but they’re comfortable! (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) Y’know, you can’t please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show. (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, Doesn’t wine give you a headache? Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing! (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I read that MTV’s Real World got 40,000 applications. That’s amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008. (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he’s afflicted, but I’m not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I’d get all mad. Come on, man, there has to be more to that story. (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I’ve never stayed at a bed and breakfast. If I did, I figure you would start to get hungry! Is that all you got around here? Well, maybe you can direct me to a chair lunch dinner. (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don’t relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military. (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I don’t think stand-up is being appreciated as much as it could be and I don’t think it has for a long time. There’s some great stand-up comics who come to a town and if they’re not a name, they don’t attract a crowd but in reality there are brilliant people out there. (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before. (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) 2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That’s why 2 was created. (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match It’s a fight to the finish. That’s a good place to end. (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I’m in front of a fireplace, I’m hilarious. (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong. (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That’s what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme a call, maybe we’ll have lunch. If I’m lucky! (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50 (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out. (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late. (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job at Mrs. Paul’s. (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi circle. (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids. (Mitch Hedberg Quotes)

1 2 3 4 5 6 7