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Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it’s annoying Picture Quote #1

I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK Picture Quote #1

That would be cool if the earth’s crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons Picture Quote #1

I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, What kind of cigars do you like? I answered, It’s a Boys Picture Quote #1

People teach their dogs to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky Picture Quote #1

The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up! Picture Quote #1

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I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It’s like I ain’t going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end! Picture Quote #1

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets Picture Quote #1

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down Picture Quote #1

I like cinnamon rolls, but I don’t always have time to make a pan. That’s why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I’d rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes Picture Quote #1

My sister Wendy has a husband and two children, and they have a family photo on top of the VCR, where they’re all looking slightly to the left. As though something is going on over there! I guess something happened over to the left that made everybody happy! Except my sister is cross-eyed, so she can’t quite pull it off. One eye is right-on Picture Quote #1

If I was a locksmith, I’d be pimping that out man. I’ll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending Picture Quote #1

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I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It’s ZERO. I tried to call from here, some other woman answered. You sound older! Picture Quote #1

I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that Picture Quote #1

I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, I’m mailing those cookies to my friend. So I couldn’t have one. You shouldn’t make cookies untouchable Picture Quote #1

You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, we’re going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He’s crazy Picture Quote #1

If I’m out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, Say thanks! Picture Quote #1

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything Picture Quote #1

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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap Picture Quote #1

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me Picture Quote #1

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults Picture Quote #1

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle Picture Quote #1

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down Picture Quote #1

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work Picture Quote #1

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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them Picture Quote #1

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means. It's dirty Picture Quote #1

A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human Picture Quote #1

I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I’m upside down Picture Quote #1

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others Picture Quote #1

I like it when people laugh for no reason... Like that lady over there Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it’s annoying. (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK. (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) That would be cool if the earth’s crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons. (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, What kind of cigars do you like? I answered, It’s a Boys. (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) People teach their dogs to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky. (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up! (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It’s like I ain’t going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end! (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets. (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down. (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I like cinnamon rolls, but I don’t always have time to make a pan. That’s why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I’d rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes. (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) My sister Wendy has a husband and two children, and they have a family photo on top of the VCR, where they’re all looking slightly to the left. As though something is going on over there! I guess something happened over to the left that made everybody happy! Except my sister is cross-eyed, so she can’t quite pull it off. One eye is right-on. (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) If I was a locksmith, I’d be pimping that out man. I’ll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending. (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It’s ZERO. I tried to call from here, some other woman answered. You sound older! (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that. (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, I’m mailing those cookies to my friend. So I couldn’t have one. You shouldn’t make cookies untouchable. (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, we’re going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He’s crazy. (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) If I’m out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, Say thanks! (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything. (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) This shirt is dry clean only. Which means. It's dirty (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I’m upside down (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I like it when people laugh for no reason... Like that lady over there (Mitch Hedberg Quotes)

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