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Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket Picture Quote #1

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny! Picture Quote #1

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall Picture Quote #1

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost it's flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality Picture Quote #1

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming Picture Quote #1

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all Picture Quote #1

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I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific Picture Quote #1

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later Picture Quote #1

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time. And last night, all those people were at my show Picture Quote #1

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that Picture Quote #1

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake Picture Quote #1

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life Picture Quote #1

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Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets Picture Quote #1

I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don’t relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military Picture Quote #1

I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it’s exact purpose! Picture Quote #1

You got to always take advantage of getting your room cleaned. You may think it’s nice not to have anybody in your room, like your privacy’s not being invaded. But there’s nothing like walking back into a clean room. You’ve got to remember that Picture Quote #1

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down Picture Quote #1

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once Picture Quote #1

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I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi circle Picture Quote #1

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me Picture Quote #1

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late Picture Quote #1

I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before Picture Quote #1

I’d like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart Picture Quote #1

I’m gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones Picture Quote #1

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It’s very dangerous to wave to people you don’t know because what if they don’t have hands? They’ll think you’re cocky Picture Quote #1

It’s weird... people say they’re not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? Picture Quote #1

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero? Picture Quote #1

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set Picture Quote #1

People teach their dogs to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky Picture Quote #1

Spaghetti... I can’t eat spaghetti, there’s too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I’ll have 1,000 pieces of noodles Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny! (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost it's flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time. And last night, all those people were at my show (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don’t relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it’s exact purpose! (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) You got to always take advantage of getting your room cleaned. You may think it’s nice not to have anybody in your room, like your privacy’s not being invaded. But there’s nothing like walking back into a clean room. You’ve got to remember that (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi circle (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I’d like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I’m gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) It’s very dangerous to wave to people you don’t know because what if they don’t have hands? They’ll think you’re cocky (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) It’s weird... people say they’re not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero? (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) People teach their dogs to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) Spaghetti... I can’t eat spaghetti, there’s too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I’ll have 1,000 pieces of noodles (Mitch Hedberg Quotes)

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