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Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down Picture Quote #1

When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away Picture Quote #1

If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I’d be making money in a very weird way Picture Quote #1

I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That’s a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap Picture Quote #1

I like rice. Rice is great if you’re hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don’t know how to show it Picture Quote #1

Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can’t do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys Picture Quote #1

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Incubated. And then raised. And then beheaded. And then plucked. And then cut up. And then put on a grill. And then put on a bun. Damn, it’s gonna take a while. I don’t have time. Scrambled! Picture Quote #1

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread Picture Quote #1

I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that Picture Quote #1

When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns Picture Quote #1

I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That’s way more satisfying Picture Quote #1

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen Picture Quote #1

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I like cinnamon rolls, but I don’t always have time to make a pan. That’s why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I’d rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes Picture Quote #1

Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don’t do it. One day I’m gonna, though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That’s ridiculous, but it’s true. I always fight with wearing a beret Picture Quote #1

I’ve got a wallet, it’s orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn’t make any sense at all Picture Quote #1

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential Picture Quote #1

I don’t have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff Picture Quote #1

Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I’m in front of a fireplace, I’m hilarious Picture Quote #1

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I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper Picture Quote #1

I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring Picture Quote #1

Whenever I go to shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, I’m gonna go shave, too Picture Quote #1

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? they would never solve the crime. Look at that dead guy. Let’s go that way Picture Quote #1

We’re gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes. You know what sweeten means, right? That’s a showbiz term for add sugar to Picture Quote #1

I don’t have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it so I’d buy a baby naming book. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on Picture Quote #1

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I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say I’m hungry, so it died Picture Quote #1

The number one cause of alcoholic relapse in winged insects is being trapped in a pint glass with an ashtray Picture Quote #1

If you have dentures, don’t use artificial sweetener, cause you’ll get a fake cavity Picture Quote #1

A fly was very close to being called a land, cause that’s what they do half the time Picture Quote #1

I saw a sheet lying on the floor, it must have been a ghost that had passed out... So I kicked it Picture Quote #1

I angered the clerk in a clothing shop today. She asked me what size I was and I said actual, because I am not to scale Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I’d be making money in a very weird way (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That’s a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I like rice. Rice is great if you’re hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don’t know how to show it (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can’t do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) Incubated. And then raised. And then beheaded. And then plucked. And then cut up. And then put on a grill. And then put on a bun. Damn, it’s gonna take a while. I don’t have time. Scrambled! (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That’s way more satisfying (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I like cinnamon rolls, but I don’t always have time to make a pan. That’s why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I’d rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don’t do it. One day I’m gonna, though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That’s ridiculous, but it’s true. I always fight with wearing a beret (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I’ve got a wallet, it’s orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn’t make any sense at all (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I don’t have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I’m in front of a fireplace, I’m hilarious (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) Whenever I go to shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, I’m gonna go shave, too (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? they would never solve the crime. Look at that dead guy. Let’s go that way (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) We’re gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes. You know what sweeten means, right? That’s a showbiz term for add sugar to (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I don’t have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it so I’d buy a baby naming book. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say I’m hungry, so it died (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) The number one cause of alcoholic relapse in winged insects is being trapped in a pint glass with an ashtray (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) If you have dentures, don’t use artificial sweetener, cause you’ll get a fake cavity (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) A fly was very close to being called a land, cause that’s what they do half the time (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I saw a sheet lying on the floor, it must have been a ghost that had passed out... So I kicked it (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I angered the clerk in a clothing shop today. She asked me what size I was and I said actual, because I am not to scale (Mitch Hedberg Quotes)

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