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Richard Jeni Quotes

We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half Picture Quote #1

You know what the average person is? Average Picture Quote #1

We would need less gun control if we had better birth control Picture Quote #1

Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year Picture Quote #1

I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for ‘massive head trauma’ that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can’t sit still for anything that’s boring Picture Quote #1

If you’re going to war over religion, now you’re just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend Picture Quote #1

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Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they’re not getting up early on a Sunday Picture Quote #1

Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn’t higher education, this was Amway with a football team! Picture Quote #1

It’s always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you’ve ever been in a situation: ‘You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun’s out, we’re on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for? Picture Quote #1

In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will Picture Quote #1

Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable Picture Quote #1

Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it’s pretty much all luck Picture Quote #1

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Choosing to have a child you can’t take care of is like farting in an elevator. Sure you got it out, but not it’s everyone else’s problem Picture Quote #1

If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less painful career Picture Quote #1

Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower Picture Quote #1

There is no romance without some lying. That’s what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life Picture Quote #1

I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was! Picture Quote #1

Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death Picture Quote #1

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In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example Picture Quote #1

If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway Picture Quote #1

America: Twenty million illegal aliens can’t be wrong! Picture Quote #1

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future Picture Quote #1

Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend Picture Quote #1

When one guy sees an invisible man he’s a nut case; ten people see him it’s a cult; ten million people see him it’s a respected religion Picture Quote #1

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It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones! Picture Quote #1

Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half (Richard Jeni Quotes) You know what the average person is? Average (Richard Jeni Quotes) We would need less gun control if we had better birth control (Richard Jeni Quotes) Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year. (Richard Jeni Quotes) I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for ‘massive head trauma’ that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can’t sit still for anything that’s boring. (Richard Jeni Quotes) If you’re going to war over religion, now you’re just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend. (Richard Jeni Quotes) Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they’re not getting up early on a Sunday. (Richard Jeni Quotes) Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn’t higher education, this was Amway with a football team! (Richard Jeni Quotes) It’s always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you’ve ever been in a situation: ‘You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun’s out, we’re on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for? (Richard Jeni Quotes) In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will (Richard Jeni Quotes) Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable. (Richard Jeni Quotes) Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it’s pretty much all luck. (Richard Jeni Quotes) Choosing to have a child you can’t take care of is like farting in an elevator. Sure you got it out, but not it’s everyone else’s problem. (Richard Jeni Quotes) If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less painful career. (Richard Jeni Quotes) Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower. (Richard Jeni Quotes) There is no romance without some lying. That’s what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life. (Richard Jeni Quotes) I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was! (Richard Jeni Quotes) Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death. (Richard Jeni Quotes) In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example. (Richard Jeni Quotes) If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway (Richard Jeni Quotes) America: Twenty million illegal aliens can’t be wrong! (Richard Jeni Quotes) I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future (Richard Jeni Quotes) Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend (Richard Jeni Quotes) When one guy sees an invisible man he’s a nut case; ten people see him it’s a cult; ten million people see him it’s a respected religion (Richard Jeni Quotes) It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones! (Richard Jeni Quotes)