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Rita Rudner Quotes

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping Picture Quote #1

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire? Picture Quote #1

Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don’t like flowers. I have a great idea for a scent that will attract men - how about New Car Interior? Picture Quote #1

I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet Picture Quote #1

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie Picture Quote #1

When I want to end a relationship I just say, ‘You know, I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have your children.’ Sometimes they leave skid marks Picture Quote #1

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Good weather all the week, but come the weekend the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot they complain, too cold they complain, and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV Picture Quote #1

I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, ‘Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.’ So he went out and bought a present for my mother Picture Quote #1

Yes, I’ve now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it’s a lower case l Picture Quote #1

Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to Picture Quote #1

I worry about Las Vegas schools. I hear in math, they only teach them to count to 21 Picture Quote #1

Men have better self-images than women. You know what I’ve never seen in a men’s magazine? A makeover Picture Quote #1

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Eye contact is a method utilised by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Many women find it difficult to look a man directly in the eyes, not because of shyness, but because a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest Picture Quote #1

Natural childbirth scares me. I think before you have natural childbirth you should find out how big the baby is. Three pounds -- natural childbirth. Anything over three pounds -- heroin Picture Quote #1

I’ll never understand why people go to movie theaters to have conversations. Going to the movies to talk is like going to a restaurant to cook. The idea is that you have paid your money to have someone do something better than you can do it yourself Picture Quote #1

Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano Picture Quote #1

I adore being hitched. It’s so extraordinary to discover one unique individual you need to irritate for whatever remains of your life Picture Quote #1

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don’t know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I’ll break up with someone on purpose Picture Quote #1

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I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn’t much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around Picture Quote #1

All men think that they’re nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names Picture Quote #1

When you’re a dancer, you start with the basics. You don’t all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third Picture Quote #1

Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift Picture Quote #1

While I do occasionally order items on the Internet, it’s hard to teach an old shopper new tricks. I’m convinced that the catalogue will eventually disappear, but not until the last baby boomers have kicked off their smelly Nikes and been buried in mulch Picture Quote #1

Barbie ruined my life! It’s a really bad image for women. For a long time I thought I was deformed - because my heels didn’t touch the ground. I was walking around on tiptoes. What’s up with that? I think that it’s a bad thing for a woman to try to emulate Picture Quote #1

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Nobody is really happy with what’s on their head. People with straight hair want curly, people with curly want straight, and bald people want everyone to be blind Picture Quote #1

Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders’ outfits get tighter and briefer, and players’ shorts get baggier and longer Picture Quote #1

Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches Picture Quote #1

I’m going to start water skiing someday...as soon as I can separate it from being dragged by a boat Picture Quote #1

I love to sleep. Do you? Isn’t it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious Picture Quote #1

Every audience has a personality. Some of them don’t have the best personalities, but you’re on a date with them for an hour and a half, so you just make the best of it Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping (Rita Rudner Quotes) Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire? (Rita Rudner Quotes) Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don’t like flowers. I have a great idea for a scent that will attract men - how about New Car Interior? (Rita Rudner Quotes) I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet (Rita Rudner Quotes) Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie (Rita Rudner Quotes) When I want to end a relationship I just say, ‘You know, I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have your children.’ Sometimes they leave skid marks (Rita Rudner Quotes) Good weather all the week, but come the weekend the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot they complain, too cold they complain, and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV (Rita Rudner Quotes) I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, ‘Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.’ So he went out and bought a present for my mother (Rita Rudner Quotes) Yes, I’ve now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it’s a lower case l (Rita Rudner Quotes) Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to (Rita Rudner Quotes) I worry about Las Vegas schools. I hear in math, they only teach them to count to 21 (Rita Rudner Quotes) Men have better self-images than women. You know what I’ve never seen in a men’s magazine? A makeover (Rita Rudner Quotes) Eye contact is a method utilised by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Many women find it difficult to look a man directly in the eyes, not because of shyness, but because a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest (Rita Rudner Quotes) Natural childbirth scares me. I think before you have natural childbirth you should find out how big the baby is. Three pounds -- natural childbirth. Anything over three pounds -- heroin (Rita Rudner Quotes) I’ll never understand why people go to movie theaters to have conversations. Going to the movies to talk is like going to a restaurant to cook. The idea is that you have paid your money to have someone do something better than you can do it yourself (Rita Rudner Quotes) Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano. (Rita Rudner Quotes) I adore being hitched. It’s so extraordinary to discover one unique individual you need to irritate for whatever remains of your life. (Rita Rudner Quotes) I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don’t know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I’ll break up with someone on purpose. (Rita Rudner Quotes) I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn’t much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around. (Rita Rudner Quotes) All men think that they’re nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names. (Rita Rudner Quotes) When you’re a dancer, you start with the basics. You don’t all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third. (Rita Rudner Quotes) Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift. (Rita Rudner Quotes) While I do occasionally order items on the Internet, it’s hard to teach an old shopper new tricks. I’m convinced that the catalogue will eventually disappear, but not until the last baby boomers have kicked off their smelly Nikes and been buried in mulch. (Rita Rudner Quotes) Barbie ruined my life! It’s a really bad image for women. For a long time I thought I was deformed - because my heels didn’t touch the ground. I was walking around on tiptoes. What’s up with that? I think that it’s a bad thing for a woman to try to emulate. (Rita Rudner Quotes) Nobody is really happy with what’s on their head. People with straight hair want curly, people with curly want straight, and bald people want everyone to be blind. (Rita Rudner Quotes) Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders’ outfits get tighter and briefer, and players’ shorts get baggier and longer. (Rita Rudner Quotes) Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches. (Rita Rudner Quotes) I’m going to start water skiing someday...as soon as I can separate it from being dragged by a boat. (Rita Rudner Quotes) I love to sleep. Do you? Isn’t it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious. (Rita Rudner Quotes) Every audience has a personality. Some of them don’t have the best personalities, but you’re on a date with them for an hour and a half, so you just make the best of it. (Rita Rudner Quotes)

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