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Rita Rudner Quotes

I just don’t get cats. To me, they’re a waste of fur Picture Quote #1

I jogged for three miles once. It was the worst three hours of my life Picture Quote #1

An amicable divorce is like a ventilated condom; it just doesn’t work Picture Quote #1

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them Picture Quote #1

I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal Picture Quote #1

I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go Picture Quote #1

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I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962 Picture Quote #1

To me, life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside Picture Quote #1

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head Picture Quote #1

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry Picture Quote #1

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life Picture Quote #1

The old theory was

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I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit ups Picture Quote #1

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke? Picture Quote #1

It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life Picture Quote #1

Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes Picture Quote #1

Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing away their comic books. They would be valuable now Picture Quote #1

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. They don’t understand them, and they don’t want to get near them. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun Picture Quote #1

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Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night, change its diapers, and give it a bottle, but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn’t have to Picture Quote #1

I’m not sure if my husband is going to be there when I actually have the baby. He said the only way he’s going to be in the room when there’s a delivery is if there’s a pizza involved Picture Quote #1

Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy Picture Quote #1

My mother was the worst cook ever. In school, when we traded lunches, I had to throw in an article of clothing Picture Quote #1

I can see close up and my husband can see far away, so we’re covered. He tells me who’s in the movie and I tell him what’s in his sandwich. Together we’re human bifocals Picture Quote #1

The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else Picture Quote #1

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Men don’t live well by themselves. They don’t even live like people. They live like bears with furniture Picture Quote #1

My father was never very friendly. When I was growing up, I thought the doorbell ringing was a signal to pretend you weren’t home Picture Quote #1

I have a hold limit that I’ve set for myself. I hold until I start to imagine myself killing the person on the other end. Then I hang up and regroup Picture Quote #1

At the end of every year, I add up the time that I have spent on the phone on hold and subtract it from my age. I don’t count that time as really living. I spend more and more time on hold each year. By the time I die, I’m going to be quite young Picture Quote #1

Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of the women they’re married to Picture Quote #1

Women are more accommodating. If a woman drinks the last glass of apple juice in the refrigerator, she’ll make more apple juice. If a man drinks the last glass of apple juice, he’ll just put back the empty container Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

I just don’t get cats. To me, they’re a waste of fur (Rita Rudner Quotes) I jogged for three miles once. It was the worst three hours of my life (Rita Rudner Quotes) An amicable divorce is like a ventilated condom; it just doesn’t work (Rita Rudner Quotes) Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them (Rita Rudner Quotes) I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal (Rita Rudner Quotes) I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go (Rita Rudner Quotes) I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962 (Rita Rudner Quotes) To me, life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside (Rita Rudner Quotes) My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head (Rita Rudner Quotes) I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry (Rita Rudner Quotes) I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life (Rita Rudner Quotes) The old theory was "Marry an older man, because they're more mature." but the new theory is: "Men don't mature. marry a younger one." (Rita Rudner Quotes) I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit ups (Rita Rudner Quotes) Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke? (Rita Rudner Quotes) It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life (Rita Rudner Quotes) Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes (Rita Rudner Quotes) Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing away their comic books. They would be valuable now (Rita Rudner Quotes) All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. They don’t understand them, and they don’t want to get near them. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun (Rita Rudner Quotes) Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night, change its diapers, and give it a bottle, but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn’t have to (Rita Rudner Quotes) I’m not sure if my husband is going to be there when I actually have the baby. He said the only way he’s going to be in the room when there’s a delivery is if there’s a pizza involved (Rita Rudner Quotes) Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy (Rita Rudner Quotes) My mother was the worst cook ever. In school, when we traded lunches, I had to throw in an article of clothing (Rita Rudner Quotes) I can see close up and my husband can see far away, so we’re covered. He tells me who’s in the movie and I tell him what’s in his sandwich. Together we’re human bifocals (Rita Rudner Quotes) The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else (Rita Rudner Quotes) Men don’t live well by themselves. They don’t even live like people. They live like bears with furniture (Rita Rudner Quotes) My father was never very friendly. When I was growing up, I thought the doorbell ringing was a signal to pretend you weren’t home (Rita Rudner Quotes) I have a hold limit that I’ve set for myself. I hold until I start to imagine myself killing the person on the other end. Then I hang up and regroup (Rita Rudner Quotes) At the end of every year, I add up the time that I have spent on the phone on hold and subtract it from my age. I don’t count that time as really living. I spend more and more time on hold each year. By the time I die, I’m going to be quite young (Rita Rudner Quotes) Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of the women they’re married to (Rita Rudner Quotes) Women are more accommodating. If a woman drinks the last glass of apple juice in the refrigerator, she’ll make more apple juice. If a man drinks the last glass of apple juice, he’ll just put back the empty container (Rita Rudner Quotes)

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